Another safe space. š *TW*
Adding a TW just in case Ā
Hi everyone,Ā
my name is Ni. Iām 14 years old - right now anyways. I use she/they pronouns.
I feel weird for making this forum thread butā¦. Somehow I feel the need to make another forum where I can rant and vent about life and the things that happen at home š and just - in my head. (I wonder if that sounded weird? š )Ā
a lot of the time I think of things to write and donāt write them in my other diary space. š sometimes thereās just so much anxiety involved and itās hard to post somethingā¦ so many thoughts run through my head. And yeah. :')Ā
Quite sure none of that made any sense xD my brain is a mess. š¤§ but heyā¦ maybe thatās okay. Life is messy and things can get messy in our own heads.Ā
Iām not 100% sure if iām okay with replies or not in this space. i think iām okay with replies from friends/people i already know here š but not regular replies. If that makes any sense š¤§ lmao.Ā
i'm so terrified, and tired. It's showing, too, which is the worst part. i dont feel like "one" for much. Fissociating very badly but i hate calling it that lol Aeems like im over denial lmao.Ā
Im so tired. im so done.Ā
iā¦..Ā
We tried so hard. i tried. why didn't you let me?Ā
To protect me? from what? What is there to hide? what are you people even doing? I hate just hearing voices and whenever i actually *** need you your never there. Yk what i mean? Been spacing out/panicking but im not "letting" myself have the panic attacks. Normally i can go yo the batheoom and let them pass bit idk idk idk idkĀ
She stayed home alone and she made me go to the doc with Dad shes crazy shes gone mad Ik she wants to go back home but im afraid to say it. so much moving. I want to scream at them that i need to move houses bc its so triggeringĀ
I'm either paranoid, or they see everything. they know. orā¦ā¦ Idk.Ā
Idk dude.Ā
(Ignoring Gremlin and posting this. Ima just ignore gremlin for a little while now cos i need to scream lol) *waits for punishment by the voices later* smh lolĀ
shes gonnwake up soon
ite going to br kay its going to emoau its gojgnto he okay its going to be okay its going to ne okah its going tomhe okay its going to he okay its going to be oksynits goijgntomhe okay its goijg tomhe okay its goijg tomhe okay its going to nr okah its goig to be okay its going to be okay its going tomne okayĀ
Imagination is such a curse and a blessing at the same timeĀ
we lost you didn't weĀ
did we lose youĀ
we lost everyone didn't weĀ
did we did you didā¦Ā
everyone is so tired and just needs a breakĀ
from life, from life, from life.Ā
there was the habitual new-diary-creating every once in a while, then the shame, then the deletion. rinse and repeat. but i'm not doing that again. Not now anyway.Ā
*tries very hard to ignore the cringe of past posts*Ā
i missā¦Ā
What do i miss? Ā
ā¦.
But something is missing.Ā
blocked out. Don't process it. let's have you forget, and then you can be a new person and keep living. Chew on this, and this, and this. don't think about that. We don't think about that stuff. ignore questions. chances to elaborate. It's gross. No. No one wants to hear about that. let them assume what they want to assume. Don't elaborate. not your business. Except it's only your business. anyhow it's not their business, so shut up.Ā
one. two. three. four. five? six. seven. eight?Ā
four. or eight.Ā
Four.
ugh. Eight.Ā
people. They all know. i told one. The first. i don't trust her too much anymore. People don't keep secrets. they don't do that.Ā
Brain instructs: despite the discomfort, avoid all discussions of it at all costs. do. not. initiate. such. conversations. I don't. I'm very obedient. towards brain, at least.Ā
Good plan? Bad plan? doesn't matter. plan is plan. Don't really do what we have to do all the time, but we're going to do what we want to anyhow. plan is plan.Ā
there is the void. And there is the loud, screeching silence. the silence is a wall. ah, good job, brain. your treatment worked well. thanks for the help šĀ
Hey @LoveMyMoonflowers,Ā
I know Iām a stranger to you. You donāt know me. You might be anxious about me writing to you over here, and if you are, just let me know, and Iāll remove this post from here. But I was reading through the things you wrote. On here. And I was like, wait a minute, donāt I do that? Donāt I have those things too? I write in paragraphs, I rant and rant with no end in sight, I have a crazy mom who makes the normal days seem like an optical illusion. My point is not about me. I saw you through your writing. I saw how confused and scared and angry and frustrated you were in those lines. Like you donāt belong here. Like youāre a defect in the normal world. Like you canāt do anything right. Like how your crazy mind and crazy home is breaking you bit by bit. Like NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. Dearest Ni ( if itās ok to call you that, if not then dear Mr./Ms. Moon ), please believe me when I tell you, I have been through the same. You are not alone in your pain. Iām sure I didnāt have it as bad as you do, but I have gone through my fair share of pain and trauma. Donāt worry about me, Iāve healed as best I can. The main reason I wanted to tell you this is because, I know how it feels. When the brain goes cray-cray. When no amount of ātherapyā or ātreatmentā ever made a dent in your pain. And those moments of pure excruciating agony. You know what Iām talking about. I donāt need to explain that to you. Life becomes a mess, and then the mind goes numb. I know, I know. The fear, the make believe, the dangerous coping strategies. Life may not be the best, but we have each other. It might not make sense, but we have each other to help make sense of it. Weāre there for you, moonie.Ā I, am there for you. I donāt often come to cups these days, not as often as I used to before, but do know that this juicy bundle of grapes ( not in that way, ok? Iām a boy ) is always here for you whenever you need him. Someone out there loves you, moonie. Someone out there cares for you.Ā
Signing off for now,Ā
Sir Grapes the Third š
the problem is that when i tell myself to put it on the shelf for a few months, its never going to stay there. stuff the demons in a box but they're going to burst out eventually, come back to haunt you. When you have things on that shelf, and in that box, and you were supposed to process it, but never did, and you just kept existing... can you even call yourself "happy" without lying to yourself?Ā
I never maintain that state except for a few months but then the old things return to bite me and...
idk.Ā
why did i even let it affect me because it wasnt even *** bad
