Another safe space. 💙 *TW*

The words like to disappear after I think them. See - brains are parasites. Always taking and never really giving back. They make you anxious, depressed, crazy, and they get all warped... you want to scream. You want to let it out and express. You don't, though. Because not only do brains frick you up badly, but they also prevent you from being able to scream about it. Stripping you of that right to scream and say… something, anything. Uncensored. The shame. The guilt. Fear, and heck, it wasn't that bad, you idiot, and why do you STILL imagine even worse scenarios? You'll be fine, fine, fine, fine. Fine…

And why is someone always watching? Freaking f**k off? There are eyes in the screens and in the emails, and in the messages, and in the walls, and behind the door, there are shadows creeping, there are eyes, always watching, always peeping. There are always eyes in the bathrooms and they bore into your back. there are shadows, and i imagine them, or feel them, breathe, looking over my shoulder. Or watching me from behind, leering. there are eyes in the rooms and there are eyes everywhere and it always feels like someone is watching.

I felt so small. Small. I remember that feeling. What a strange feeling it was. I was a baby again. What was I? No, no. not a baby. couldnt possibly. A monster. and a deer. And a child. But also a wolf. I was a leech. And a butterfly. And I was small, small, small, small, small.

Spinning on a wheelchair. That's what it felt like. Laughing. Did I sleep? I didn't. But didn't I dream about it? And then it happened. Or did I make the whole thing up? Why the *** do I still dwell on it?

I closed my eyes and my brain just *** hurt and I saw the faces and I didn't want to see them.

They all decided to shut up, and it's incredibly annoying, because while I think I did hate some of the arguments and chatter when they were there, it's even more confusing when they're all quiet. For *** ages. I made it up, didn't I?

It feels like a dream, that I just made up, and I wish it was, but it wasn't. or was it?

...

And yet it will always feel like a dream. Like the weird, freaky dreams I have. Pretty sure it's weird fanfiction of my life. Cursed fanfiction. "Oh hey lets elaborate on what happened, what could have happened, what never happened, what might have happened, what you dont know happened, all the stuff you remember and dont all mushed up!!!"

Not nightmares. Just disturbing. Lingering. Brain is like - "Oh, hey, had a good day? A decent day? A bad day? Whatever, let's replay some random old *** you don't want to remember, and how about we add some extras too? What about stuff that could have happened? Never happened? The debatable stuff that you dont know happened for sure and your utterly confused about it? We got you, we can add the WHOLE thing into tonights special dream tailor made just for you!!!"

See, my "dream" subscription or whatever, is just completely ***, and it won't let me cancel the subscription. XD its a life subscription. Brain - "sorry but you have to endure this for life." XD

(health)

wow i have a new thing to panic about. thats fun.

its actually worse than i thought XD and its my fault XD im so dumb wow