A point in time

I'm proud of myself today.
I rode my bike, getting there wasn't too hard, getting home took me an hour.
I reached the top of a hill and i was walking and i got fed up "why can't i make it up this stupid hill, why is this so much harder than it used to be?" i wasn't even enjoying it. I felt so disappointed in myself that I thought, "i'm not doing this again". then having only just realised that i did this, i turned my mind around. the facts are these.

I got on my bike
I rode 3kms to my train station.
I then walked/rode 5.4kms home

I persisted
I kept going despite sheer exhaustion
That was me.
I didn't procrastinate another week, I did it
I achieve something today.

I'm taking a shorter route next week :P

Three days in a row... who thought i'd be consistent (notes of sarcasm)

bad mood
bad day
trgiggering day
it sucks
i hate it
memories
memories suck
yeah i said it

lets focus on the positive
i was open with my pastor about my studies
how the assignments are still getting to me, so i withdrew, again. online units and assignments get to me
i got to spend time with the most gorgeous 2 year old girl that I absolutely love and adore where she runs into my arms and is so excited to see me, i know that it helps her parents too
I just got distracted, designing a 4oz babyccino keepcup for said 2 year old.

i remembered again today, my biological father selling me to a boy in my class.

the sermon at church today brought up a lot of stuff, about the institutional abuse, how they made me believe that I could control what God did, how every time we went out and it started raining, one of the mentors would scream out "clouds, hold your rain in jesus name" like they could control the weather, like they could manipulate God into doing what they wanted and that when when i tried, theyd just say "stop attention seeking" and i'd get punished. that's what today brought up and i can't tell anyone because no one understands! no one! yes i'm catastrophising. i'm sure people do understand, i just struggle to find them.

so yes today has been hard. and yes right now i feel worthless.

It was a little easier today. just a little easier.

Its a bit like jetlag, that after a hard day, you kind of get an emotional lag, you get what i mean?

I mean, I started off well, I had my usual 8am start and we talked about my strengths, how well I'm doing, I shared my poetry with him (him being my pastor, kind of like my dad) and we talked about homework, how i had been checking the facts, how i have 20 scenarios that I answer questions to and i have to do one a day and well, we practiced one today and so soon itll be automatic, that i'll be able to implement it in my own life, well i hope so.

then i had to study, i don't know what happens but when i started typing the assignment, my hands started going stiff, and i started freaking out a little.

now i hear the words "get it over with" going through my head
and within minutes i start remembering again, just one memory this time

just breathe, breathe, i'm safe, i'm safe, its ok, he's not here, he can't hurt me anymore, he cant hurt me, he doesn't even know where i am, he cant hurt me again.

i think thats enough for today, i need to settle.

I know that it's been a few days since i posted in here, but yesterday was pretty amazing, but i dont really want to talk about it, am kind of done talking about it, but what i do know that i am thankful, for all that i've done, all that i've accomplished, you know?

maybe soon i'll tell you about it.

It feels like one of those days, it feels like a cycle, but the fact is i got triggered at church on sunday because of a course that i had to do, that i had to do this safe church course which is about protecting our children and keeping an eye out for abuse and the signs for it.

It reminded me of the day that changed my life.
I had posted online about narc abusing me and my youth pastor found it, he showed my senior pastor and then i get dragged into his office with narc, youth pastors wife (because they needed a female, there were better females they could have asked) and my senior pastor. they asked me if i wrote that, i didn't lie, i had written it. they called me a liar. I started self-harming then, i attempted suicide then. I self harmed for 2 years and then started writing poetry instead.

After that I didn't see the point in telling the truth anymore, that i would just make up stuff until they believed me, until the truth got lost in the lies, that's what i call it anyway, until it was more fiction than fact.

So I started asking the question, how is my church any different, because this church had similar policies, but they didn't matter when it came to my dad, i had trained in these safe church policies before, but how do i know now that this church is any different when it comes to abuse.

because i've seen different, i've experienced different. this church now, they love me like a daughter, they treasure me, my pastor says so, that i'm different and i will live to be different, like every christian is meant to.

but i'm still coming to terms with that, seeing how it is different, how this church is so different. the last church didn't love me, they never loved me otherwise they would have done something about the abuse, about the rape, but this church does love me and i know that they wouldn't let that kind of thing happen to a child, to an adult, that my pastor apologised in front of the whole congregation when he did something wrong, my old church would never have done that, actually never did do that.

this church is different, my pastor loves me like a daughter, if i ever get married, he will be the one that gives me away, he knows that i see him as a dad and he's helped to teach me not to be afraid to express my emotions.

a church with that kind of pastor, who apologises, who helps and who took the time to get to know me, that's not a pastor or a church that lets abuse happen. now i need to keep trying to believe that. checking the facts.

An observation that i will probably forget if I leave it until morning.

I find it interesting that how I gauge how well I did on a particular day isn't by how much work I did or how many things I ticked off my to do list, but also how much crap, stigma, how badly I was treated and still came out optimistic and smiling even though I recognise the crap, and it hurts.

I put up with faeces today, I again got ignored, treated as an outcast again by the "Christian" students that I've been trying with all semester only to again be ignored and rejected because that's the culture, and I'm not talking about first years but rather the upper years who are rude and insensitive towards me.

No, I did well today because i was still tenacious in going and persisting with their crap and i still managed to keep smiling and being optimistic despite it.

I hate that though, that my "day gauge" includes that as a criteria

So yes i did well today.

I've been thinking recently, about them, the psychological abuse I endured at their hands.

Study is hard for me, not the study part, the assignment part.

There was a day and i had my finals to do. She pulled up my sleeves to see if I'd written anything on my arms to cheat. She did this in front of the whole classroom.

I was made to study there

And it makes me feel trapped and isolated again

Part of me

I look upon this circumstance
A life that i feel worth living
How family's not a part of that
Not how it's meant to be

I look upon what's said and done
My life up to now
I think upon, I look upon
This hidden part of me

I don't talk about them
Think or associate
It hurts too much what they did
But it's still a part of me

I think about suggestions
All about the pain
I try to see the good times
In amongst the rain

I think of how he raised me
Raped and abused
I was never his daughter
Just something to be used

I don't want to see them
But i love them just the same
How my God loves me
Raising me a different way

Part of me misses them
Not the abuse
I don't miss my dad
All he did was use

I don't want to reach to him
But I want to reach to them
My life is worse with them in it
I was suicidal then

My mental health it worsened
I'd be stupid to go back
But a part of me it loves them
Having lost sight of the track

What would it mean to them?
What would it mean to mum
I miss her oh so greatly
I could never miss him

So i guess this means i'll do it
Because my God loves me
Treat them like tax collectors
Show them love for me

So yes once more I reach
A softening in my heart
For God to piece together
When my heart breaks apart

I kind of need to get this out, people to understand.

I had to have an internal ultrasound today, for a person who has been raped and still remembers (i don't think i'll ever forget) this was big for me to do, to trust someone to do that.

It reminded me so much of what my dad did to me, how it felt and i got really scared, but i kept seeing her, i told her beforehand and she kept checking on me, i was smart telling her that, it means that she was extra gentle and let me know every time she had to do something different. i think she would have been gentle anyway, but it helped.

I'm still calming down even though it was 2.5 hours ago, it was really hard, but i did well today and i bought coffee afterwards and i'm in a library now and i have bible study tonight, yes i do like my bible study and i wouldnt change it for the world. I'm ahead of my assignments and i'm even talking to a guy listener on here (didn't think that would happen).

I have pad thai for dinner, i like pad thai, i think this is what you call self-soothing, because i'm being kind to myself, i'm loving myself by taking care of myself after a really hard day.

I have people who are proud of me now too, having the ultrasound today, people who know are actually proud of me. they said so. it's actually nice to hear.

deep breaths now.

@agreeableKite4304 - just so someone will notice

I'm the daughter of a narcissistic sociopathic paedophile and yes that means everything you think that means

I was born and raised in hell, made to look like heaven.

For as long as I can remember it's been my fault, there's something wrong with my head, I'm delusional, I'm making it up, I'm crazy, I'm the one that has to change, I need to give them a second chance, that it always has to be me.

Even in my church, I'm the problem, I went no contact, I shouldn't have done that, it's not that bad, you're making it up again.

I look around and I see a list of all the things I can't talk about with them, like bricks building up a wall shutting me out.

But what if I'm not the problem.

What if they're too scared to understand, a first world church having a third world problem? Sexual abuse? But that's not a problem we have!

No, it is, you're just too scared to admit it because then you have to admit it could happen to you.

And there's another brick in the wall.