Dissociation
I just need to get this out.
The more things happen in my life and the faster it goes, the harder I lose pieces and dissociate. I dont have time to heal, or I just dont know how.
I just literally dont feel real.
I feel inauthentic most of the time. No one notices me. I feel insignificant to peoples lives. I dont feel loved. I dont feel anything at all. And I know its a problem because I do have people in my life. I just disappoint them constantly. I dont feel like I fit in. Im so fucking out of it i cant recall what role I play for the people in my life most of the time. Im losing track.
I think my parents fucked me up. They neglected me as a child and abused me and hit me and it just fuckjg hurt. Now Im an adult and Im still messed up. My parents arent in my life anymore but they're still ruining me. Why cant I feel anything
I dont want to dissociate anymore
@xolaris
Hi Xolaris,
Dissociation can be very unpleasant to live with. I've been thinking a lot about dissociation lately, about why it exists at all, and I think the fact that it is a common symptom of trauma is a really telling feature. I feel like it comes down to a really strong desire to not be us anymore, or to not want to be in our body, or not wanting to be in this world. Feeling such a strong aversion to those things that we literally start to create barriers in our mind that separate us from these things. Do you find that you blame yourself for what your parents did? Perhaps they told you that you were bad or that you deserved it, and they did this over and over and over. As adults we look back and can objectively see that what happened was wrong and was not our faults.... but we have internalized what they said to us. We have taken "we are bad" and it is now a part of us. And we hate ourselves because we are bad, so we try to separate and push away farther and farther.... until dissociation happens.
For me I was so disgusted with my body, with myself. I hated so much about myself that I just needed... to go away. And my brain helped me do that. I did a lot of escapist things, but mostly I read novels. I got to be other people in other places. I read like 16 hours a day for a long time. For many years I was not a functional human being. Then I decided I needed therapy and after a couple years of hard work... I no longer suffer from dissociative symptoms. I don't need to... "go there" anymore. Dissociation is draining on our brains, bodies, and emotions. I didn't realize how draining it was until I was getting better and was only occasionally dissociating instead of all the time.
Have you ever seen a therapist for it? If you have, how were your experiences? If you haven't I can promise you that you deserve to have a life beyond your dissociation. You deserve to be happy, and I honestly believe that you can be. Many on this forum are at various points in their healing journey. Thank you so much for reaching out and telling some of your story with us. It isn't easy to do; You are stronger than you know.
