How Do Christmas/The Holidays Cause You To Feel?

@BeeLeigh

It's great you're able to associate holidays with such positive things! I love seeing this!

@scarletPear1945

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@archerzvy I can only imagine how much dread and worry you're feeling, anticipating being treated so poorly by your extended family as you have before. A lot of emotional abuse from the sounds of it, none of which is okay. I'm glad you made it a point to distinguish their words with quotations as a way of getting some separation from them. They don't get a free pass. They don't have a right to emotionally abuse you. They don't have a right to answers from you for their invasive questions.

I'm glad you have at least a small part of the holidays you can look forward to. I wonder if doing some planning to cope ahead would be helpful for you. It sounds like this situation isn't going to go well, and it would help you better get through it if you can anticipate some of the uncomfortable stuff so you have a plan for how you'll address it. (Cope Ahead is a skill from the chapter Emotion Regulation of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy or DBT; in case you need search terms for more useful skills and information to help you cope with this current challenge or future challenges).

Some ideas I could imagine might be helpful would be:
- Anticipating the kind of questions you'll get, especially with regards to being trans, and deciding which questions you feel comfortable answering and which you do not. You'll set a boundary with yourself to not step over into answering any questions other than the ones you've decided you're comfortable enough with answering. Remember, they're not entitled to information about you, no matter how much they pressure or scorn you. They're wrong to pressure and scorn. You don't deserve that treatment. You're allowed to stand up for yourself. Keep this list in mind for strength. 7cups Boundaries self-help course may have useful tips for setting limits with your family members.

- While you're with them, keep reminding yourself of how much time you've accomplished putting up with them. This will frame it to where you are succeeding in perservering over this difficult challenge. If that doesn't work, keep reminding yourself that you only have x amount of time left to go before you can go home where you (hopefully) feel less stressed and concerned about emotional abuse and invasive questions. Your extended family's nastiness will (hopefully) be contained to just the holidays and you'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel if you can keep the time you leave them in mind.

- Write down what questions you think you'll get, separate the ones you're willing to respond to from the ones you're not, and write out the responses for both categories. For the ones you're not comfortable answering, you can think of an "I" statement to say in response. An "I" statement goes like this, "When you do/ say/ do (x), I feel (y)." Framing it this way communicates that you and your feelings are the topic of discussion, not them or their behaviour. Simply, you could say, "I don't feel comfortable answering that." You can use the broken record method and repeat yourself when they keep asking. They'll hopefully get the message and stop. If they really don't get the message, you can elaborate, "When you ask me (x), I feel really uncomfortable. If you continue asking me (x), I'm going to leave the table and find a place to be alone/ leave altogether." If they get angry that you've set a boundary with them, follow through with the consequence you described. "I'm leaving the table now because I feel very uncomfortable. As I have told you, when you ask me (x), I feel very uncomfortable. I've repeated this many times and you continue. In addition to feeling uncomfortable, I now feel very angry for having to repeat myself so often. I will return when you can show me you understand my feelings. Until then, I'm going to find a place to be alone. Do not follow me." Or just leave altogether. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

- If you have a hard time identifying your emotions and describing them, or if you have a hard time knowing if they're valid, start with these sheets. It describes each emotion and the situations where it makes sense to feel them. If you're feeling an emotion which it fits the facts of the situation, it's justified. It's just a matter of intensity after that, and if you're dealing with emotional abuse, it's safe to say you'll be justified in feeling emotions quite intensely. Use this model for observing and describing emotions to gain insight into your own experience. Sometimes, when we're in emotionally invalidating environments, we learn to have emotions about our emotions, so this model helps you notice if there's secondary emotions at work, for example, guilt after getting angry.

- Keep in mind that the "I" statements work for when someone makes a cruel joke or passive-aggressive rude joke too. Just remember, "When you say (x), I feel (y). Please don't say that again."

- (Only do this one if you feel it's a safe option for you. Your safety and well-being is the #1 priority. Sometimes, not having things in writing is easier, sometimes it's harder. Use your judgement. You know you and your situation the best) Write out a list of questions and answers and email it in advanced to your extended family, if you think that might help answer their questions without being directly confronted. Make your request known in the email that you're answering these questions now so that it will not be a topic of discussion at the family get together.

- Plan a place to retreat to so you can feel safe. Think of a room at whatever home you'll be attending the get together at where you can retreat to for space and time to decompress and self-soothe. If you think they'll engulf you anyway, anticipate this and find alternate transportation to get away, even if it's to a nearby 24/7 McDonalds or whatever. Anywhere is better than a place where you can't even be alone and away from people engulfing you.

- Make a plan and bring along self-soothing activities so that you can calm your nerves and soothe any emotional distress, if it occurs. Bring activities, stim toys, music, guided meditations, a good book, a mobile with games on it, a quiet room with a friendly household animal (they don't judge ). Whatever you need to help you get through this difficult time.

- If you have understanding friends, ask them if they can be on standby to take a call from you if you're stuck and need emotional support. By telling them in advance that you'll likely be needing them, they'll hopefully be better able to accomodate you. If that fails, make plans with a trusted listener you've spoken to before on 7cups. And if that fails, a crisis line, perhaps for LGBT+ people. Whomever you feel would best understand your struggle. Add these numbers to your phone or write them down/ type and print off a protocol for how you'll cope. Challenge any myths that keep you from standing up for yourself.

- Make your supplies list, gather your supplies, set up the necessary supports, do whatever you need to do pre-emptively to prepare. Then, before it's time to meet up, write out a protocol of all the supports you've set up for yourself and put that list somewhere easily accessible. Sometimes, when we get anxious or emotionally activated, we can forget details and to use the coping skills we've planned ahead. The STOPP skill can help you in the moment to remind yourself to refer to your list, so you can remember to use what you've planned to help you through everything.

I wish you all the best with getting through the holiday season. You deserve love, respect, support, care, and to enjoy your holiday. If you can't always have those things from your blood relatives, at least know you're worth more than they treat you, that your time with them is temporary, and that there are others out there in the world who genuinely care about you. Soon, you'll be able to surround yourself with people who genuintely feel like a supportive family, regardless of whether they're blood related or not. You're a worthwhile human being. Keep that hope alive. :) <3

@RideaRainbow

Some nice ideas, here. Thanks for sharing

@TangerineCuddleParty

Some nice items, here!

@emotionalMaple9419

You're going to get through this, and we'll be with you while you do. We're all here for you, you're not alone on this boat.

@emotionalMaple9419

ohhh am sorry Maple, am here if you wanna pm some time.

But remember this too shall pass.

And January isn't too far off .

@LatinNightSky

Im sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Hoping Christmas can become a positive, happy occasion for you once again.

@N0TW0RTHL3SS

This is sound insight; anyone can strive to ‘begin anew

@croissansts

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