I am terrified of being judged/blamed
So I was raped in November of 2014.
Cause of the circumstances I kept denying that it was a trauma and refused to see how much it affected me, untill a few months ago when it all came crashing down on me.
I am still terrified of telling people how/where/when. Even my own therapiat cause I'm scared I'll be blamed saying it was my own fault for not being careful.
I want some validation, and will tell you about it. So I was on a website called Darkside for the kink community. There I connected with a man over 10 years older than myself. We started talking and made plans to meet up in a public place. I told my friend about where I was going and took other precaustions. Everything went fine and we decided to meet up again for a BDSM session with me, him and his submissive.
On the day when he had picked me up at the train and we enter his apartment there is a person there who is not his submiaaive. He'd invited a second dominant person and I was immediately very quiet and subdued. Completely stunnedle at the situation. After this came a number of instances where I wasn't asked, and couldn't say anything because I was either gagged or felt to nervous too.
I missed the laat train back home and had to spend the night. I remember feeling more nauseous and sick than ever before.
What was the worst for me was he never asked if I was okay with unprotected sex so I had to taake a day afterpill and he gave me Chlamydia.
I've never told anyone the full story.
@Nyala
Hi Nyala.
What do you think your therapist would say to you if you told them this story?
@Nyala what the man did to you is totally out of order. Not asking your permission or taking the necessary precautions to ensure your safety in those circumstances is gross negiglence. I hope that you have not continued to see this person as this kind of disregard at this point is very worrying.
Considering your fear of the therapist - I think I can safely say that we have all been there. It is a perfectly normal thing to be anxious about opening up to someone you do not know. Somebody who by oath has to keep records of contact with their clients. But they should not judge you. Ever. They are there to listen and to offer advice if need be. Fear of judgement likely comes from not feeling secure about something in your own life. Perhaps sit and have a good long think about what may have occurred before that point where you first began to feel this way.