I just want to move on from stuff
*I'll be talking about rape so please be warned if you're sensitive to this*
Hi. I'm for lack of a better word stubborn, and discussing issues (or even letting myself be open about them) is such a big challenge for me. So I thought this would be a good step to get things off my chest. I'm transgender (male to female) long story short, I am very happy with the way I am now living my life ~ post coming out. However a lot of the time I feel disgusting. When I was 10, I was raped by a family friend. He made me dress as a girl. He would choke me until I passed out and let calling me "pretty for a boy". 8 years later. I still feel disgusting as a girl. I feel sick. I don't even know if I'm overreacting. So many people have had such worse experiences and I don't even know what to do anymore. Being who I am makes me feel disgusting. It's ruined any possibility I might of had at being intimate with someone. And i just don't know. It's something I want to move on from and I guess posting here might help. I don't know. Sorry I'm repeating myself. Thanks for taking the time to read this whoever was interested enough. I really, really, really appreciate it.
I'm so sorry that today isn't a good day for you. I can't imagine all the complex thoughts & emotions that must come from being attacked in such a terrible way, but I feel compelled to say the person who committed that crime against you is the disgusting one here. You have nothing to be ashamed of & although "downplaying" is a common reaction we use for protection after trauma (I understand, I've been there myself), I want you to know that we hear you & what happened to you was absolutely indefensible.
You are more than enough just as you are. You've travelled a long road that is far from smooth to become the strong, beautiful woman we see before us today. I can tell from your words that you are kind & good hearted. All the hardships you have faced have failed to extinguish that bright light - it's definitely shining for us all to see.
Sometimes juggling emotions seems an insurmountable task, but extend that kindness you eminate outwardly towards yourself & remember it's okay to acknowledge bad feelings. Taking things as you are, one day at a time is sometimes the only thing we can do. But worth remembering that each one that passes assists us on our ongoing journey of healing.
Sending you love.
@IAmHere83 wow that was really nice I don't really know what to say. It means a lot to me that anyone even read what I wrote, let alone responded to it. So thank you. I'm so sorry you've had simliliar experiences and I hope things are going okay for you. I do tend to downplay things a lot as a way of not letting it affect me (probably my Achilles heel ahaha) but I really do appreciate what you said a lot. I'm bad at ending things but thanks a lot, I genuinely mean that.
@Layne107
I'm so glad you posted. You're not alone and it's good that you share how you are feeling. I find that sharing the emotions helps me to stop them from getting bigger, though it doesn't always take them away.
It takes a lot of strength to share what you've been through, and I'm so please you trusted us to share. Keep sharing as you need or want to.
@Layne107
I'm very sorry about what you went through. The memories are mortifying when they keep playing over and over in our minds. I can imagine that you want to avoid these feelings, but you stated that you are trying to not be so avoidant. In saying that, I commend you. It's difficult to face the past, and even more difficult to share with others these events. You're very strong in doing so. If you keep up the good work of facing these memories (systematic desensitization), they will eventually lose thier hold over you, and your life will progress again (post-traumatic growth). It takes time and a lot of emotional work to get here, but you are on the right road for sure.
If you ever need someone to talk to, just pm me.
Good luck to you and I hope that you stay strong, even when it feels like there's no strength left. That is often when we shine the brightest.
Take care and much love!
@Elta thank you that's so nice omg. I'm trying, and it's a personal thing I want to work towards. I just want to et to a point where I don't constantly feel crappy because of it. But one step at a time I guess ahaha.