Indi's corner

Have you ever had someone try to hurt you, succeed...then try to blame you for it???

As if you asked to be hurt in that way.

Then you tone down the story,make up reasonable excuses that arent true and try to explain the situation to a totally independent body in front of them and they accuse you of trying to damage their mental health because theycan see how hirtful and unreasonable their actions are....

Its all a bit too much right now.

"Ssshhh....be quiet"

Is what you would hear alot

If you could listen to my every thought

As I try to dispell what I see as an irrational fear

"Hush now"

As I push it aside just hoping it will disapear

"Don't be silly"

As I try to reason with them

Hoping they will see the error of their ways....

"Silence" you would hear me scream as their incessant chatter just wont cease......

Because they are multply and their numbers I cannot decrease

My voice starts getting drowned out as I recall what I have seen and it fuels them

They grow the more I try to prove them wrong

Leaving me feeling like an empty entity as they griw strong

Just trying to protect they say...

AS they march around with placards of images from my darkest days

Chanting...

"Hope out, fear stays".

If you could listen to my every thought and see all that I view...

I winder would you still call me paranoid

Or would you like me,start to wonder whether all those thoughts are true????

Im in trouble, I've put myself in a position where im in alot of trouble.

I dont know why im writing it here because there really isnt anything you can do.

I need to get myself out of this......

Im just hoping to have some strength and luck on my side...

I really hope everything works put because if it doesnt I dont know what im going to do.

I dont think ive ever put myself into such an awfully hard situation as this before.....

I didn't think things through, I made decisions based on panic and even when I saw that they were decisions that came with alot of risk, my pride didnt allow me to go back on these decisions.

This post is just acknowledging what ive done and im hoping that acknowledgment will inspire me and drive me to find a solution.

No more wallowing, this is serious, need to get up and move and try your hardest to make this work and figure out your options.

Im going to give my crazy free reign for a minute.....

Because just after posting my last post I recieved a message from a friend, a text message from someone as far as I know couldnt have any idea about what I just posted.

I mean it was very coincidental.

There has been alot of coincidences lately and its adding to my paranoia.

Its making me feel like im being watched....like im being tested and I just continually keep failing these tests.

Like everyone knows something and im not privy to this knowledge because I cant pass this test , so harder and harder obstacles are being put in my way.

Crazy right?

There is another theory about energy, when your close to someone if you send out signals that your in trouble they can just pick up on them....

I don't know.......

Im slightly freaking out and hoping for some calm.

Thank you all for your amazing replies and I promise I will reply to them again........it's just right now I've got other thoughts/memories plaguing me and I'm just writing them out here because sometimes it helps to write them out and let them rest in a spot.

Trigger warning RE: child abuse, fear, possibly foul language, not real sure what I'm going to write :)

I've been thinking about all stupid things I did as a kid, ways I reacted which must hast have seemed very strange to adults but were gut instinct reaction to fear, a need for compassion, attention of any kind.

I was about 7 or 8 maybe and I walked into my granny's house and there was sandwhiches and sweets on the table and no one in the room. I was helping myself to them and I got startled by my aunt......I didn't know her that well because she lived in another country and was just coming back to her home for a visit. When she came in I hid what I had in my hand behind my back........now this doesn't really make any sense because I was always allowed to eat anything my Gran's house and she had never shouted at me or hurt me in anyway, she was a legend and her house was my safe space.

But in general adults were to be feared and not to be trusted because they were hard to predict. Hard to know what would set them off .....so there I stood looking really guilty with my hands behind my back and understandbly, my aunt asked "what have you got behind your back?"

To which I replied stupidly"nuthing". Now my aunt must have thought I stole something, she had her bag there so she might have thought I had taken money, so she firmly asked me to show her my hands. I started bawling crying and put out 2 hands which had a sandwhich and a chocolate bar in it.

I think back and I chuckle a bit looking at the confusion in my aunts face, she said "you know they were going to waste and I am really glad you took them, but I'm sad that you lied to me". I started crying even more and said "sorry" and left the house again. Back then I had left totally confused about why the hell I had reacted that way. Why had I lied, why was I so scared???-I understand it now, life had conditioned me to fear adults.

Spent the rest of my aunts visit hiding away with pains in my stomach so afraid that she would tell that I had lied. -which she didn't, in fact she is a very kind aunt.

Why is this memory playing on my mind....it's not a very painful one.......I think it's because my mind is trying to remind me that children can do silly things when in pain ,afraid, hurting, confused..........there is a few more memories ratting around in relation to this, I've plenty of examples of times I acted irrationally as a child out of fear, seeking attention, craving compassion...........

I'll share one more, because recently I said here on a daily check in that I don't remember ever missing being supported and although that was true at the the time, because I'd forgotten about the first time I reached out for support as a teenager online.

It was back in the time that the internet was a dial up and it was new and exciting to a young teenager.

I was in a bad place as a teen and was immediately drawn to trying to find people like me because I hadn't come across anyone like me in real life. It didn't take too long before I found a forum and got addicted to it. I didn't share everything but I shared bits and it was too adults and shockingly enough they were comapssionate and understanding, there replies made me cry and I was so confused why they were being so nice. In particular there was one female who became like a mother figure to me. We communicated daily and I felt so loved and care for by her and I craved and I think I loved her too.

Then one day my internet was cut off, the bill was too high,which caused major issues in the house , alot of anger etc.and internet was banned completely from the house.

I was heart broken, to the point of feeling suicidal, here was the only person I had ever shared how I was feeling too and who seemed to understand, was supportive, compassionate, loving and caring and it was taken away from me...............that loss felt so painful it felt like I was going to die.

The thoughts that were going through my head was that she is going to be angry, think I just left and didn't care, didn't even say goodbye, she would think I was bad person..........

Then one day I got access to the internet at a friends house and finally I could tell this person what happened and I was sooo happy to see she hadn't reacted the way I thought she would, instead she wasn just very concerned for me. Begged me for my address so we could keep in touch that way............now I didn't want to say no because I didnt want to hurt her, didn't want her to be angry, also I really wanted her to keep in contact with me more than anything, in fact I had a plan in my head that maybe one day she would come and bring me away with her to meet live with her family and her children.

BUT despite all those hopes..........I was afraid, my fear was bigger than my hopes, i knew that if she sent a letter and my parents found it that I would be in serious trouble and couldn't think any other way around it, i was also very scared in a way that this lady would come to my house even though she was from a different counrty..........yes it was what I wanted and hoped for but it also scared me. What would happen, would she tell others if she knew where I was........I was scared so I lied.

I said I was so sorry about not being able to be on the net and how much I missed her which was all true, then I gave her a false address and name.

I never messaged her again even though I cried alot over the lack of contact and often worried about her. When I finally got regular internet service again she had left that forum.......she was the last and I think the only time I got really attached to a person who was a really supportive figure to me and who I felt really got me and understood.

There is no need to reply to this post, these memories don't make me sad or evoke any strong feelings for me, I'm just comtemplating something, musing over other situations and felt the need to let these thoughts rest here.

To anyone who has read this, I'm wishing you a very good day

I am feeling really inspired by Oprah today, I mean I think I always knew that she had a tough upbringing but I guess I didnt realise how tough and how much she overcame to become one of the richest women in the world, just wow.

I think what struck me was that she was sexually abused by 3 different men and she was able to say that out loud, very matter of factly. Thats something I struggle with is the number of people who hurt me, makes me feel like there is something about me that makes me seem like an easy victim or something.

I know that a big part or recovery and coping with trauma is acceptance and getting past the fear, being able to process it and not get floored by it.

I felt like that way once and now im seeing hope that I can feel that way again.

I have put my plan in motion and I hope it all works out with the grant, I really, really need it.

Next week I am going to find a new place to live and a new job and it's all going to be okay, I believe it, I believe this is going to be very tough but I am tough too.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that 😀😜

I see you in my minds eye

The scene contains you and me

I'm holding your hand and you no longer cry

As we are standing at the end of the dark tunnel feeling free

My view of the scene is obscured slightly by the lack of light hampering my view

But I see it and I know this vision is true...

I know this is our future

Because I believe in you ❤

Always seems to be one drama after another with me......

But afyer spending a week of not knowing where im going to sleep night after night and living out of my car, the tide seems to be turning and I seem to havefound what seems like the perfect place.

It feels like its where im meant to be. Its a really small room but the girls I will be living with seem fantastic and in general it seems like a nice spot.

Next step is to find a job and then all I need is for the grant to be approved and im on my way to making my dream a reality!

Im so sad that I couldnt bring my dog with me though....im already missing him so much🐕 but he is with a friend who is going to take good care of him until we can be together again and its only 3hrs away, I can visit when I get time.

Feeling hopeful today and I hope this feeling lasts ❤

I knew it was too good and easy to be true, the room will be mine but despite saying it was available immediately its not free til at least Saturday. Shit,shit, shit.....

At least 5 more days of not knowing where im going to stay.....and it will eat up into my funds even though im technically on annual leave so will still be getting a pay check.

Ok....no need to panic, il figure out something.

I didnt end up going handing out cv's today afterall, i'm feeling too sick and looking too much that way too for anyone to want to hire me right now.

I think I just have a common cold, and I can feel a cold sore on my top lip start to rise, no energy and no focus.

Im downing hot drinks and im just about to head of to the library now to perfect my cv for a few roles im interested in.

Its weird I did sleep well last night, woke up in shock that after 1am I didnt remember waking again until 7am was pretty proud of that.

Triger warning, child abuse and mentioning sexual violence!

But all day ive been having images of me as a child scared in bed, wearing layers of pjama bottoms in the hope that wearing layers might put him off...watching the door, or hiding in the.wardrobe....and flashes in my head of waking up to being raped as an adult....

It doesnt evoke feelings of fear in me anymore,those images, just sadness, anger and in a way sense of accomplishment of what ive come through,that kinda sounds a bit arrogant doesnt it...but im feeling a bit all over the place too, anxious and needing to try and keep busy bit also no energy and feeling lousy because of this cold.

Anyway better get off and get this cv done and try and be ready to face my future work place tomorrow.

❤❤❤