It feels like life is better than ever before but it's still bad

It all started when I was very young like about 3 years old. My parents used to fight and I used to be so scared and used to cry in the corner afraid that my mother might kill herself. My father then would carry me in his arms away from home and I used to see tears rolling down his cheeks and would keep on looking back at the house still scared that my mother would kill herself. I grew up a little and started going to school where I was constantly scared and was very meek and used to sit alone. While my parents never stopped fighting my father used to be away from home all day long and very often away for work my mother started to hit me almost everyday. She was always either angry or crying. She was negligent and after school I used to spend a lot of time at neighbours where I was touched inappropriately a couple of times but never realised what was going on. I had my younger sister when I was 7 and we moved to a different house. My mother who was ill equipped to handle the burden and responsibility kept taking out her anger by hitting me about everything that made her angry. My father used to come home at night and my mother used to tell me not to tell my father that she hit me. I as it is was too scared to complain as I didn't want them to fight. My mother hit me every single day with sscreams and calling me bad and that I would never be happy in my life almost till I moved out of home after school at the age of 18. By this time I already had had an affair with a guy 10 years