Journey from victim to survivor
My name is Ashti, to the outside world and those around me I am a happy, bubbly, carefree, loving individual. However on the inside, I am raw and tender, wounds healing from abuse I suffered for many years as a child. The mask I wore on the outside was hiding all that I felt within, on the inside. I was abused sexually by multiple men for multiple years. If you ask me if I was abused, I will tell you yes, if you ask me was it horrifying, I will tell you yes, if you ask me if I hated every moment of it? I will tell you yes. Being abused sexually is indeed one of the most heart breaking, soul crunching, life changing events one could face.
For many years, about 8 years to be exact I struggled with my abuse and struggled to understand why it was me who faced such hardships and such personal trauma. While my friends were carefree, I was crying late nights, trying to put myself to sleep. While other children's monsters were roaming under their beds, mine was roaming freely, getting into my body and my head.. You see being abused was, has and always will be something that separates me from every individual I know. It will always be something that remains with me and something I cannot change.
But the reason I am writing this post today, is because over the past few months of being a listener on here, I have faced many many people who have come to me and spoken to me of their abuse. Some young, others elderly, all different unique individuals, with one binding life event, sexual abuse. Abuse is not something that leaves you, but over time and with the right support and love it can stop being the worst part of you.
One morning I woke up and realized that I am not abuse, abuse is just a part of me. Being abused was one long, hard and heart wrenching life event that changed me forever, but it doesn't consume me. I was abused at the age of 8 and then from 11-13, but now at the age of 22, I realized that I survived a hurricance and came out to tell my story.
I believe that even when the darkest night is over, the sun will rise and with it I too shall rise. I will kick, scream, shout and cry but I will not hurt myself. I will talk, I will hurt, I will feeling like I'm dying, but I shall not allow myself to die. My life is mine, and mine alone to live. I am not "abuse" it is but a part of me. I am strong and I am powerful, I am nobody's property except my own. My life is my choice my body is mine and even when life isn't worth living I promise myself I won't die.
I was once a victim of a crime, a pawn in a game, a puppet on a string, but now I am strong and kind and caring. I am loved and will love, and I am alive and will live. I once read a quote that awakened my soul and allowed me to live again, "Living without meaning, is like living with one foot in the grave, you're alive but your not breathing."
I wrote this today in hopes that people will find some sense of life and some desire to keep on going even when the world is a dark and horrifying place to be. I am grateful to be a listener and will listen to every soul who comes to me for a ear to talk to. "Do not go back and be the person you were yesterday, go forward and become the person you wish to be tomorrow."
xoxo
@ashti92, for living through all the horrible things you endured, you sound as though you still turned onto a beautiful person! Its kind of like saying you were a flower trying to grow and people were throwing crap all around you and you used that crap as a fertilizer to become a pretty flower. I hope that analogy sounded right, I meant it as something good. I was sexually molested as a child, but it sounds like what you went through was a lot more horrific. You stay strong and keep moving in that positive direction.
I'm glad you're feeling better. Stay strong.
I too went through the same thing around the same ages you went through. Also I'm around your age now. But I'm not over it. I feel so ashamed and I wonder what's going to happen to me in the future when I get married. If my future husband get to know, would he reject me? I'm scared that this would happen to my children and I would be suspicious of anyone coming near my children. I've never talked the whole story to anyone ever.For that I'm scared to start a family. I know one of my friend went through this but we know we have similar experience but we don't mention it in our conversations.
I don't cry anymore but the thoughts are always with me. what a carefree person i could've become if this hadn't happened to me.
I know there are many out there with the similar problem. But it's hard for me to even think of what happened to me. I'm trying to suppress that memory into my mind.
Dear Ashti92,
Thank you so very much for writing and sharing about your repeated traumatic experiences, and for relating all the wisdom that you have gained from those numerous heinous inhumane acts that were perpetrated against you so many times, for many years!! I think that you havedemonstrated great courage in what you have shared, profound reflection, insight andgrowth in what you have learned and enormous caring and compassion in sharing your post with so many who can read it, and will undoubtedlylearn such very valuable lessons asa direct result of what you have shared!!!
I agree with you totally! You are not a victim!! You are a survivor!!! You are able to love others, and know that you will also be able to allow others to love you!!! Sexual abuse is such a vile act, that i find it very difficult to talk about. Thank G-d for extraordinarily brave people such as yourself who do talk about it, and in the process of doing so, in such an eloquent and instructive manner, you have likely taught something of great importance to each person who reads your entry in a serious and reflective manner, and who knows how many sexual assaults wil not take place that otherwise would have, had you not shared your experiene. Thank you and G-d Bless you!!!!!
