Lost Doll
I've been reading through other threads and posts and I really like this concept so here I am. I guess I'll just write and post as if it were a diary. (I have no idea what I'm doing but hey, I shall make an attempt!) I named this "Lost doll" because I often use that as a metaphor for myself. I've been through a lot. My mother was a drug addict who occasionally "over punished" me (as my dad calls it). She died when I was 9. I shut myself out from the world, execpt for my one and only friend: my cousin. Just a few months after my mom died, hoever, my cousin started making sexual advances at me. Over the months and years everything got worse and worse. Things went from looking to touching to raping in very little time. At first he would let me escape after a minute, but eventually he began to hold me, beat me, shoot at me, tie me, bite me, etc.. So I found it easier to give in. By year 3 or 4 I had become his personal slave...a little sex doll. During 8th grade I made a really good friend and thought I could tell her about what was going on...I was wrong. She started spreading rumors and began to bully me pretty harshly about it. To this day she still does. Unfortunately one of my guy friends at the school started harrassing me too. Honestly, I'm used to bullying but my best friend had turned and this dude friend began to get really bad. He started to not only physically harrass me but sexually as well. He never got to the point that my cousin had but he would grab any inappropriate area he could, hit me, slam me into walls, push me down the stairs, pin me and tell me what he was going to do to me, etc... After almost 3 years, he dropped out of school. (So I'm safe from him this year ^-^ yay!) He wasn't the only boy at school to harrass me either, he was just the worst. Anywayyy, during the summer before 9th grade, my cousin stopped and things got really chill between us. He even apologized for the past. But, in september of 2015 (9th grade for meee) things got really bad again. On the last day of 9th grade (May 20 2016), I finally told my dad. We told my grandma to keep hm away and left it at that. (I didn't tell my father but a fraction of what was going on, just enough to make it stop). About a year later, (about 5 months ago) my boyfriend ended up seeing a diary that I had kept of it all in grave detail. His mother turned it into the police and forced us to break up. She took his phone and banned him from anything that has to do with me. To this day, she hates him being around me but they're blaming my dad for it all. Boyfriend and I still love eachother but I won't tollerate my father being blamed for something that isn't his fault. They also refuse to believe that this case is harmful. But because of this case: I've lost 1/2 of my family; my cousin has to come back; and I have to relive every event in detail everytime I talk to an investigator. To top that off, as the case fell out, everyone decided to play the "you're not alone" card,,,which made things much much worse. I can handle going through it myself but when I know people I love go through it, it hurts....a lot. My mom, my dad, my boyfriend's mom, my best friend, my ex girlfriend. All rape victims. You would think: Oh well they should understand then right? I don't know. Perhaps they would if they listened for once. I feel like everyone if 5 stories tall and screaming at eachother over me. I feel like I'm in a hole and no matter how hard I try no one can hear me. But the problem is that they can hear, but they don't listen. ~~~~~ I have a lot more to type but I think this is enough for a first post. Ps: sorry if my grammer is bad...I started typing fast and angrily sooooo... my bad. Tomorrow isn't going to be good but I'm going to sleep before I send myself into panic attacks and/ or flashbacks again.
Taken out to lunch but can't eat because the person that I'm with is my uncle. Otherwise known as the man who raped my mother. He and his wife took my grandma and I out. They don't know that I know but I am completely losing it.
@Slenderproxy666
I hope you
@themainjane
That is true. And thank you, I will try. As far as talking to someone goes, I typically talk to a listener on this site. I'm supposed to be in therapy (it's court ordered too) but my dad is holding out as long as possible. He's scared that I'll be put on drugs and of the dangers that the drugs are accompanied with. Nonetheless, I have to go to some type of therapy within the next few months so hopefully that will help a little.
@Slenderproxy666
Was hoping you had a Listener. Can really make a difference, doesnt it?
I can understand your fathers concerns. Its what you think would be most helpful that is important. Sometimes that means medication, sometimes it doesnt.
Just be sure to make the professionals aware of your thoughts, desires, worry concerning medication.
Some doctors, even prescribing doctors, are surprisingly hesitant to prescribe. Others will put you on everything under the sun.
Dont forget you do have a choice in what you decide is best for the most part.
Without talking therapy I find little else helps. I hope you get a good counselor.
@themainjane
Yes, the listeners on here are great and make a bigger difference than they probably realize. They help a lot. And see we know we have the right to chose but at the last service we went to try, their contract would have made us give up that right. So my dad is trying to find someone who won't do that. I also know what you mean about talk therapy. I find it relaxing to type or write but what I want to achieve I can only really do through talk therapy. And thank you.
@Slenderproxy666 sometimes forgiving the unforgivable lets your soul rest. Its really hard and Ive been struggling with it but the more Ive chosen to forgive the unforgivable things that were done to me the more I see that I take back the joy they stole from me.
@practicalApricot3556
I know you're right. It's actually something I've been working on. When it comes to people close to me, though, I find it much harder to do that. I can forgive someone for what they did to me but it's hard for me to forgive someone for hurting someone else.
Birthday magic of the day: my uncle finally left and I go home this afternoon. Hazzah!
@Slenderproxy666
oh wow, child - I thought it was just the one meal 😮
Didnt know he was hanging around all this time. You are a strong lil pup!
happy birthday indeed
now I have to go look up huzzah because I forget what it means but think I know. ( -:
@themainjane
Nah he spent the night. Which meant no sleep but he's gone now ^-^ so I can nap. And Hazzah is just a cheer. Kind of like "yay". And thank you :3
Sometimes, people getting possessive over you is cute. Sometimes it is too much even amongst friends. Don't demand me around. I don't "belong" to you. Don't talk to me about my problems without asking how I feel. I can think for myself. If I don't trust you then there is probably a reason. Using my past against me doesn't prove any points, it just makes you a dick. Most importantly, DO NOT TOUCH ME, ESPECIALLY INAPPROPRIATELY. I am so tired of being manhandled. My friends and boyfriend do these literally all the time. It is urking my last nerve.
However, good for you for recognizing it and setting the boundaries with them. you sound very insightful and strong. and by that I mean tough :) Being able to put what you've been through out there, even after friends have turned their backs on you for this same reason. I don't know a lot of people who would be able to do that...but the ones that I do are pretty amazing :) @Slenderproxy666
Some quotes that I've either written myself or heard <3 (just things to think about)
"The only way to explore is to get lost."
"When you stray from what you know, your eyes begin to open."
"We are all blindfolded. It is how you use your wits that define your strength."
"Commit a thousand crimes, but beware. For when you push the pendulum, it will always come down with accelerated momentum and agony"
"The observer is strange to the crowd, but what the observer has seen in the crowd is much worse."
"Ignorance never seems to fail to seep through those with an abundance of arrogance."
Mr. Boyfriend is literally acting like he's 5 lately. It's really getting under my skin because I can't talk to him about amything without him responding in nothing but childish, sheltered opinions. He can't differ between mature topics and non. This really hit me the other day when he jokingly made the statement "Well what does it matter? You're used to being violated." (He tried to cover himself when I snapped at him for saying that buuuttt...) There is joking matter and then there is not. Then he gets mad and yells when I don't tell him stuff. Honestly, he is lucky that I tell him anything anymore.
~fun thing though!!! I was outside ranting about this exact topic when suddenly a cat walked up to me and gave me all da loves ^-^ it made me feel 100% better oml~
I've realized that I have blocked out most of the bad things. They come back in flashbacks and panic attacks occasionally but on a normal daily basis, it all seems like a delusion. Like nothing really happened. But it did. I know it did, but for some reason I think I am subconsiously denying it. I feel as though it is burried only to wake when I talk about it, or if I bury it for too long. I want to face my problem, not bury it. But I don't want to destroy myself either. Being miserable is not any way to live, but I can't just hide it and pretend like it never happened. What's worse is that I feel like I'm hiding it from myself. I've done this before with other memories..but I need to stop. I start therapy soon. Hopefully that will help.
@Slenderproxy666
I hope therapy helps too. Hang in there <3
It seems like you have a handle on what you want to work on and that always helps the effectiveness of counseling . I believe in you and your ability to heal or get where you want to be with this.
I haven't been on this site for a little while, which I think is a good thing in some terms. I'm starting therapy next Tuesday. I'm kind of nervous in reality, but I'm hoping it will help. The case is still at a stand still though. It's funny, the police havent even contacted my cousin at all and it's been almost 8 months. As far as the case goes, all that we have done in the past 8 months is get the case into the right state and get 2 interviews with investigators. I'm probably just being impatient, but it seems like it is taking way to long.
I finally started therapy yesterday ^-^. I was really nervous but the lady was really cool. I really like her so far :3 I definitely have to say that I think this just might work ^-^ she doesn't use drugs or anyhing either but more so along the lines of talk therapy and meditation or mindfulness. I am actually pretty happy about this now XD it sounds silly but oh well.
@Slenderproxy666
This is wonderful news - and it
Something that the investigators, my father, and my therapist have said are kind of bugging me. "you adored him, didn't you?" I'm not going to deny it. After my mother died, I shut myself out and he became my most trusted friend. That's why it hurts so much. My best friend turned against me. Yes, I adored him. Even till the day it all ended, he was my best friend. Who else was there to go to? He would at least listen to my problems. He gave me advice. We would play games. Make milkshakes. Go shopping. All at a price but hey he was the best thing I had to resemble friendship. They all ask me: Do you know why? I want to know that too. That's all I want. I don't care if he goes to jail. I want an apology. I want to know why my best friend turned on me. I want a reason for why the person I admired raped me. I want him to tell me why he would hit me. I want to know what I did to make my cousin want to use me. I want an apology. I want to know what I did. He was so nice to others. He was cute. He was popular. He was hard working. He was admired by most. The favorite. My father especially keeps reiterating the fact that I adored him. He made the comment the other day: I know you loved him. It wouldn't have gone anywhere near as far as it did if you hadn't. I can't help but wonder...was it my fault?? I know I could have resisted more. I know I should have cut it off a lot sooner. I know I eventually became his whore but...was that all I was to begin with? I cut it off because I didn't want to be use anymore. I was tired of being his sex toy. I didn't want to be his whore anymore. But...what if I was the one who started it?? I mean just because he was my best friend doesn't mean that I asked for it right?? I just wanted someone to lean on. What was I supposed to do? This has all been weighing on me lately. Not sure why.
For some reason, I've been having panic attacks a lot recently. Maybe it's because of the holidays but it's strange. I feel like... sort of like I can remeber everything, but..like it's a fantasy. Things still trigger me but when I think back on everything, it all feels like a sad story that I read in a book. Like fiction. I know what happened, but for some reason it doesn't feel real. Like it didn't really happen. But it did and I know it did. Maybe I'm surpressing everything too far. I don't know. It's beginning to worry me a little.