My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@Mytwistedsoul
Are you ok?
@WorkingitThrough2 no - idk. He was supposed to get better. There was supposed to be more time to make things better. We hated him for years and idk. My head wants to blow up rn
thank you *hugs - I'm sorry
@mytwistedsoul
I am so sorry, but I am here for you💔
@mytwistedsoul
I know this is a hard time for you right now. I am at a loss for words that would be comforting to you right now. The struggle is real, and so many things are going through your mind now. The bottled-up emotions from years past and now the compassion of letting go of the remorse that was once there.
That has been a major progress step into your healing process. We don't know why things happen as or when they do. God's ways may not make sense to us but we have to trust that he knows best.
Just knowing you did your best at a time when it was really needed . You did that and feel proud that you did. You will be able to close this chapter of the book on a good note. No disrespect intended.
You could not keep being driven and compelled to keep up that pace of being there and at home and the things going on with the dog. It is and was to much. Please be gentle with yourself. I am here for you. I hope I have not said anything out of pocket to make this harder for you. You are my friend and I am speaking from my heart.
@WorkingitThrough2 My dear friend ❤️ nothing you said was out of pocket at all. I can't tell you how grateful I am for you and your kindness and thoughtful words. Thank you - with all of my heart - thank you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I just got a call that they found my Sister unresponsive this morning, and now she is gone. Although I got adopted away from them, they had been making some effort to contact me in my old age, mostly for money. We did share some moments of conversation. But with me having no family, I accepted any relationship I could get. I feel really bad that I don't feel any grief. Am I so dead and unfeeling? I could not even feel emotions when my son died or was killed.
How is your situation going?
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. It's nice they were making an effort but it's sad that it was mostly for money. I know what you mean about accepting what relationships you could get and I'm sorry you do this too. Try not to feel too bad and try not to be too hard on yourself because you're not feeling grief. Maybe you're suppressing it? I know you struggle with alexithymia too. So it maybe it could be a combination of things? Your son - I'm so sorry for what happened to him. It must have been very traumatic for you
The situation here is bleak. I'm currently sitting about an hour away from my father's house. I'm going to visit tomorrow. I have all these thoughts and some are incredibly sad but mostly I'm just numb. Alot of rapid switching going on the past few days *offers safe hugs*
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, so sorry that I dumped my ish.. in your lap along with the things that you are going through. That was very inconsiderate on my part, and I am sorry. Things can change so quickly. My dog is beginning to have breathing issues, and I am afraid to board him when I go out of town. I would hate many myself if
anything happen while I am away.
@WorkingitThrough2 Please don't be sorry for sharing what's going on in your world. You're a dear sweet friend and friends share these things ❤️ I want to know. I care alot about you
@mytwistedsoul
Max has a collapsing trachea. which is a common problem with this breed. My other two had this to..
I can't believe how today's chat room mess went. I was an hour early, waiting, then waiting some more, and when I finally clicked back, you said you were closing. What happened? Today, I really needed to be in that session, and I still missed it. i saw your response that you were waiting for a gatekeeper
@WorkingitThrough2 I was just thinking about you. ❤️ That has to be so scary when it happens to Max. I always thought he's so cute ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, Soul. There is such a mess going on with my birth family over my sister's death. Lies being told and fussing about her husband having not been home to help her. Which he had to go bury his sister. Well, the family thinks he should have taken her with him. I disagree with them and am trying to get them to see this man must be in a lot of pain 2 death right together. Now he and his grandson are packing up to move out of the house and go to where the body is being shipped. The Uhaul is more than they have, and they have not found a place to live if he does get the Uhaul Plus with all this death, I would be afraid for him to try to drive the Uhaul anyway. Now I find out the man has no driver's license, and he can't get anyone to sign the Uhaul paper for him, which I would not want to do either. The arrangements can not be made until he gets there. He is trying to do too much before the funeral. I know that they can only keep them out for so long. I have to make arrangements to catch a flight, which I can do till they set the date. This family of mine is illiterate and drunks, and they can not read or write worth anything, so I have been doing a lot here on my computer and emailing it to them. I on the other hand was brought up by my adopted family and did not live in that type of environment, But it was abusive. A neighbor took me to meet my birth family I was 15 and had big hopes that my mom would be so happy I found her and she would take me in her arms and just love me. That did not happen we the daughters, became victims of her men. I ran away after SA, and I wound up being pregnant. Then my birth mom had no more to do with me pretty much, and my adopted mom would not take me in so I had to be on the streets for a while, sleeping where I could and getting assaulted by other men just because I was on the streets with nowhere to go. No prenatal care, no doctor visits just a stray. So I never have got to bond with this family, but even in all the mess they do I just want to belong. I know this sounds so crazy but I long to know my birth family,
Too much on my heart right now and I .......... My husband has got to have stents put in his legs on the 6th, and I have to take him. He also has the bills bouncing like Goodyear Rubber and is not sure the mortgage is going to clear. The bath company got us for a thousand dollars, and I have been filing reports and trying to get the money back with no success.
I know this is a lot to read but I needed to talk to someone.
@WorkingitThrough2 It definitely sounds like you're in the middle of a mess 😞 Its so hard when there are lies being told about things and you have to sift through them to try and find the kernels of truth. Yo have them laying this at his feet - had he been there or taken her with - the pain and guilt he must feel. His trying to attend to his sister's passing and then to lose his wife. It really shows the good heart and soul you have that you're trying to get them to see from his side. Unfortunately they don't want to see it. At least not now - idk maybe they will in time. For his sake I hope they do
Sitting here thinking about how the day went and my ending conclusions for today. After a hard night and waking to night terrors, I just got up. The family has been calling off and on for the last few days since my sister died. Now I really see why I went Awall, Yet I so desperately want to have a family that I can feel accepted and loved. I hunger for a family, and yet the only time I hear from them mostly is when they need my help or advice or money. For me, that is not enough. Then, with a dysfunctional family
I know I should just let go, but I can't. Seems the more I try to be a part of them, the further I slip away. My child does not even know them. My mother only saw my child three times and my daughter. is a grown woman. Two mothers and two dads one got killed before I got to meet him.
I am so conflicted about how I should feel, what I really feel, and making sense of it all. I wish I could talk to my own daughter or husband about what I feel and about the life that I have had to live, but no one cares, and what is the point at this late stage of my life? I am hurting so much on the inside, but I try ever so hard not to let it show up on the outside. I try to let it all go, but it keeps being triggered regardless of how I try to put it behind me. I have tried so very hard to do all the things that are supposed to help us let go of the past, but it never goes away. I am emotionally dead inside, and it is not how I want to be. A human hug or A real I love you is basically all I wanted. Now I feel like That has been an unrealistic fantasy. Maybe they or my mom was right. I don't deserve to breathe God's air and unworthy of being loved. I don't know why or what I did to have this be my plight in life. I have worked so hard to be this goody two shoe, as my mom called me, only because I know what pain and unacceptance can feel like. If I can help someone, then I do, but then it comes back to bite my but. I don't understand this society we live in. We are so out of the element on this earth. Time is running out, and my struggle is still all so raw. Nothing seems to make rational sense.
Maybe I am just to far gone for change. lier lier pants on fire, let us come out let us handle this mess you made of your life and ours. you keep us behind the shadows and you don't listen to us that's your fault it is it is. shut the f.... up you shut up right now. no listen me no listen. bye bye
https://youtu.be/Bvelo1gMybs?si=pB8jb9LEnfikCXw9
TW*****Death
It has been one week since the passing of my sister, and no arrangements have been made yet. Fussing and lying and just plain chaos. Found out she has no insurance. Now we have to decide how to come up with money. Found out the body never shipped.
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️ How are you? Could you maybe do a go fund me?
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Soul, Her daughter did a *** page a few days after she passed. Nobody Still has not put anything in it. My other sister called me last night and said it was just a $100.00 put in it. Plus, the body has not been shipped home. It is now two weeks or more. The funeral home is going by her husband's wishes. But he has no money to bury her. The family is all on government funds, and they have no money that they are not drinking up and partying on. I will not do this alone when I think about how I have always been the outside child. Only sister or only part of their family when they need help. I have helped almost every one of them be buried, even the birth mom. Yet I am the reject.
I could kick my own, but for trying so hard to find a place in their lives. There are 4 of us left, and only one has been trying to connect with me. I got to raise that one till my mom said she did not need my help raising her kids. I backed off and took off on my own at 17. Still a kid myself.With no one being there for me. That was so hard and I am still doing the same thing.
Yet I feel bad about not stepping up to the plate on this but then the other parts of me say the H....with it. But the conflict in my head is like a war massive turmoil going on. Am I right or wrong?
@WorkingitThrough2 Honestly? I don't see anything wrong with not stepping up. I mean I understand not stepping up makes you feel bad. I would feel bad too. To me it would be different if they came and said hey we have x amount of dollars we put together would you be able to chip in or contribute this amount? I just get the impression that they're assuming or maybe taking advantage of your kind heart. You've already done a great deal by gathering information for them and emailing it. I remember you said in an earlier reply about there were lies. Could they be lying about not having the money? Doesn't DHS have assistance for funerals? Idk. To play devil's advocate - who gets the funds? Is it paid directly to the funeral home? Because who's to say what happens if you send a check or wire money. I know funerals aren't cheap and that would be a heck of a check to get in the mail. Unless you pay the home directly? Idk - the fact that they're more into partying and drinking says alot. Makes it seem like they've never had to be responsible for much because someone else will take care of it. Seems weird that they only got 100.00 on whatever platform they used.
@mytwistedsoul
Soul, you make good points, and they are so right on. All the calls have stopped, and now just the silent treatment. I sent a cash app to the daughter that she must have used for herself. I am backing out of giving any more help. I am going to let them handle it. I am done. My oldest sister is about 75, and I have never had a call from her or a visit. I let her live with me once, and she stole all my son and my clothes. All we had was what was on our backs. She mailed our clothes to her family out of state. I have never forgotten that, and she can never stay with me ever. I have been asked to let her come stay with me, but that will never be an option for her ever. Talking about biting the hand of the one trying to feed you.
I will focus on the one that keeps in contact. Thank you.
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ I wanted to wish you a happy birthday 😊 Hopefully I got the date right ❤️
Happy Birthday my dear friend ❤️ I hope you have the very best day ❤️ sending you loads of love and best wishes! ❤️🎈🎂🥳❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I just read about your dad; I am sending you lots of love and support. I am sorry for your loss.
@WorkingitThrough2 *sending hugs back* ❤️ Thank you ❤️❤️
@mytwistedsoul
How are you really doing???❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 I think we're alittle shell shocked. Two major losses in two weeks. Sometimes I feel ok and then nothing. Or there's a heavy sadness because it's gone - that relationship - that parental connection. But there's a lot of anger too. There's a lot of dissociation and time passes in chunks most days. There's nothing to show for the time. Everything is the bare minimum right now. Doesn't help there was attitude from someone today - won't mention any names of course but I know you'll have an idea of who lol
@mytwistedsoul
We still have no remains of my sister. It was said yesterday that her husband has her ashes in a box, and they are planning to rent a hall to drink and party, but it is supposed to be a Memorial. This stinks to high heaven. I will not be attending. 6 weeks going on 7 weeks
You mentioned two deaths in one week, who was the second one? I missed that one. Also, I had a strange encounter with them as well. Very unusual. So you are doing the chat today??
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so sorry. I know you said they like to drink and party but dang - they had a hard time getting the money together for her funeral and now they're planning to rent a hall for a memorial. I can't imagine that's cheap to do. Why not have something somewhere smaller and leave alcohol out of it? I'm just so sorry that they've got their priorities so backwards ❤️ Maybe you can have a celebration of life for her? Maybe you and your daughter could? I know everyone kind of has their own way of doing things when it comes to someone's passing. Maybe you could plant a rose bush in her memory
We said goodbye to Taz a few days before Thanksgiving. The house feels so empty now and at the risk of sounding cold and heartless. We grieve her passing harder than his. The emotions involving him are so twisted and confusing
I did have the chat. It means a lot to me to have that space for that hour each week. I just wish she would at least apologize for the tone she uses because I don't think I deserved that but maybe I was just being too sensitive
@mytwistedsoul
Soul, there is no way you were being too sensitive. I experienced the same and felt just as you do.❤️
I am so sorry about Taz. My Max is acting very strange, too, and his appetite has dwindled to almost nothing. Even his favorite snacks he is refusing. He is running away, hiding to keep from being bothered.
I am afraid he is winding down very soon. As for the mess with my sister, I am done. I am so emotionally numbed that I don't know what or how I feel. I am feeling lots of inner turmoil for some reason. I don't really understand what is happening to me either, I feel like just being a child and doing things that little children do. However, then part wants to just cuss me out and antagonize me for feeling and acting this way. Yet there is also another part that feels like the H....l with all the madness.
I totally understand your mixed emotions, and they are quite normal for the circumstances❤️ I am sorry I left the chat early. My body is so worn down from all the catering I did for everyone. Now, I'm trying to recoup.
My husband had a doctor's appointment yesterday, he said I had to take him, and then we got there and found out his appointment was November the 2nd, I got so mad at him, but they worked him in after a few hours. Now I guess I am going to have to be in charge of his doctor appointments and go with him another added responsibility to put on my list. The never-ending story, I guess.
Where do our responsibilities end??? Wonder why we are half crazy😂
@WorkingitThrough2 It's sad that we automatically start thinking that we're the problem. Or that we're taking things the wrong way but I've read it a couple of times and it just didn't need said that way
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, Soul,. I always look and watch for a post from you. I have no one else I can share much of this stuff with, and you are so special to me. Always got a kind word to give everyone. It makes the world look a bit more promising.
With the insiders, there seems to be new activity going on. You may be right about a new one surfacing. I know it might sound a bit crazy, but I think one of them is using my eyes to look out of. I can see them when they move close, and that is so weird.. They have not been very active for a while, and now they are getting very busy. I have been losing time or days, and I can't keep track of which day it is. Sleeping out of the norm at unusual times and sleeping very hard. Maybe the body is just recuperating🤔.
About my husband, that is a whole other story. I was *** about having to sit in the car and wait for hours on him. Then, today, he told me that he messed up his other appointment for Monday, so I canceled my therapy so I could go with him to see what the doctor was saying. He hit the wrong button to confirm his appointment, and he canceled it. He then tried to call them, and he said he never got anyone on the phone. I could have kept my appointment, but now it can't be rescheduled.
The only reason he wanted me to take him was so that he appeared to be helpless😂. Well, that is my opinion. Do you think that you will get another dog? They make such good companions?
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you ❤️ You mean alot to me and I treasure you and our friendship. It wouldn't be the same without you here ❤️ I'm so grateful I met you and got to be friends with you
@mytwistedsoul
Today was the day they were supposed to have my sister's memorial; how about I got a call saying that her husband had gone back to the state where she died? No earn was left, and he got her check and left. Her daughter was on her way to the Memorial they got in a car wreck and totaled the car. No one was majorly hurt, thank God. This is the biggest piece of bull.........****I have ever seen. For the first time, I have really cried over this. How can you say you love someone and let this happen? he was her husband. The money that we did send and that they raised was used or spent somewhere else. I am so distraught over this, and yet I have my own mess to deal with.
One thing that has happened is it made me reflect back on my mother. When the doctors told her she had one week to live. I thought we could finally be friends or a mother-and-daughter relationship
But no, she continued to abuse me on her dying bed; then, when she lit into my husband, I said is it die in your mess? We are going home. We traveled over 300 miles to be with her. Hospice asked if I was going to pay to have her body sent to the mortuary, and I said heck no. Donate her body to science, which I said out of anger and hurt. Now, with this and my sister, I have resentment and shame for my feelings and for walking away from my mom at a time when she needed sympathy.
I hope God forgives me for that. They asked if I wanted the earnings shipped to me, and my statement was, "She did not want to come alive, so don't send her to me dead". How awful was that? I am ashamed now that I see this in my sister's death. So now I recognize the errors of my way and pray for God to not hold that against me.
Really looking at my life in a different way, Soul.I really needed to vent out what I was feeling right now. I just want to cry, but I am afraid if I do, I won't be able to stop.
I don't mean to dump this in your lap, with you having had two losses. But if I don't talk about what I am feeling I feel like I am going to bust wide open. I tried to get a listener but I just could not talk to just anyone. So here I sit in a stupor of volcanic ash. Needing to be rescued.
@WorkingitThrough2 You're not dumping anything in my lap. You're sharing with a friend ❤️
Oh geez. I can't believe he could do that to her - to someone he's supposed to have loved. To everyone really. To just take the check and leave everyone hanging. To not even take the urn there and at least show up. That's really a low thing to do. I'm glad her daughter and noone else was majorly hurt in the accident.The last thing anyone needed to have happen today. I'm so sorry all this happened. After all you did to help them get her final arrangements taken care of. All the information you put together and emails. This is so sad
I don't think god will hold any of this against you in at all. I think it's understandable how you reacted and the things you said. You were hurting. You went to her with hope in her final days. To make amends - to want a connection with her. It couldn't have been easy to make that trip. All the thoughts and anxiety and anticipation you must have had. Maybe instead of seeing that you walked away - maybe you can see that you showed up for her? The fact that you made that trip says so much about how beautiful your heart is. I know you're probably struggling to see that - especially right now with what happened with the loss of your sister and what her husband did. Some people have - idk - revelations? when they're dying. They become gentler more loving. Like they turn over a new leaf I guess and then other people can stay just as cold and cruel as they always were. She could have just been grateful to have you there ❤️
Maybe looking at it that way can help ease some of the bad feelings? That you showed up
You always welcome to talk about anything and everything. I'm not just here for the good times. I'm always here if you need someone to listen ok? Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts ❤️ sending you lots of love
❤️
ScarletPear1945 TW
This Diary Belongs to me @WorkingitThrough2
My @ ScarletPear1945 account was lost. Can someone please connect the dots and put my diary under the New User Name?
IT got lost back in December when the site was updated. I have tried 7cups Support with no success.
