My Thoughts
Hey everyone. I thought I would start a diary just to process what's going on inside of me and let things out. I've tried Journaling before but it feels lonely to just write things to myself and end up ripping them up or throwing them away. It feels better to write here where can relate to others. Not so isolating, if the makes sense.
Anyway, I woke up at about 8 this morning to a familiar feeling of unease. This has been happening for a long time in varying degrees. Sometimes the feeling has been panic, sometimes depression, and other times I've woken in the middle of the night somehow feeling as if I'm not even real. Like life isn't real and nothing makes sense. Disoriented. That hasn't happened in a while but the ominous feeling when I wake has. Like I'm not safe, and I find myself watching the clock, hoping time will slow down so I can be home and "safe" a little longer and won't have to b out in the "scary outside world" that I must go to work or go buy groceries in. Here as of late, even simple tasks have become suffocating.
I've been crying at random times, like in the car on the way home from work. Yesterday my husband was laughing really loud at something on TV and I had to go to the bathroom and cry silently for a few just to get my bearings. The loud noise just put me on edge like crazy.
I'm had a bad day. Past hurts are bringing me down, but I've been using 7cups, self help, meditation, and focusing on my spiritual journey as well, and while nothing is ever a miracle cure, I must say that I feel I can manage the pain a little better. I'm hurting right now but I'm glad I'm climbing upward some.
@Wishing4Dreams - What a hopeful message. You're right that there's no miracle cure (and boy do I wish there was!), but making small steps upwards counts for a lot. It's hard when you see a long way to go, but sometimes remembering just how far you've already come is really powerful. I'm glad that you have some things to help make that pain just a little more manageable on a bad day, and I'm wishining you peace and happiness to make tomorrow a better one.
@Anomalia
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.
I have to get this off my chest...I had been doing better bit by bit, but Friday night it all came crashing down on me. And I did it to myself.
I was doing well that day, had accomplished a lot that week, and wanted to treat myself to some wine, because I hadn't drank in a while. Boy was that stupid!
Long story short, I overindulge and ended up having some sort of awful flashback while drunk and I went berzerk.
I blacked completely out, woke up with my dad telling me it wasn't my fault that I was abused...
******(Trigger warning ahead!!!)*******
I been telling my husband I was sad, so sad. He said i began to tell him awful details of what my aunt and her husband had done to me as a child. Then i somehow became completely mute, apparently "signing " to him that I needed an ink,pen and paper. I began to write down details of the sexual abuse I'd went through .
He became worried and called my dad to come help watch me. He showed him everything I'd written while I was in bed, at the time completely out of it.
Needless to say, I woke up not knowing what had hit me. I also felt deeply ashamed and stupid for making such a dumb decision when I'd been doing so well.
To boot it all, I also have a condition that causes me to faint when I get sick or vomit. Well the wine made me sick, I ended up passing out and nearly choking on my own vomit. If my husband hadn't woke up in time...I hate to think of it. ..
@Wishing4Dreams
And I didn't expect any of this...I feel so awful for putting my hubby and my dad through this. And I wasn't depressed or anything, and I nearly did myself in on accident.
I don't remember anything I told my husband or wrote. It's all still a blank spot to me. I only remember choppy bits and pieces, and I don't care if I do remember that awful stuff. I know they abused me that's enough.
It just shows me that I can't do that again. It's not worth it to cut loose. That was completely irresponsible on my part. I had no idea I'd get triggered then, and I should have taken into consideration that if I did get sick, I could pass out. I've learned my lesson.
I have issues and I have to consider that. I feel so bad about all this but now all I can do is move forward and take care of myself...
@Wishing4Dreams - I don't know how you feel about hugs, but if you would like one, my arms are open.
It sounds like that was a really scary experience, to feel out of control and not remember most of what happened. And you said that you feel bad about telling your husband and dad about it. But I also wonder if maybe them knowing isn't a terrible thing if it means they could help support you more. Or if maybe letting some of that out could ultimately be a healing step in not carrying it all alone. I won't pretend to know how you're feeling right now or predict what will come, but I am hopeful that there is a good side to this, too, and that instead of it making you feel like you need to shut down, that it might give you an opportunity to open up to those who you trust.
I do really appreciate what you said at the end about "all I can do is move forward and take care of myself" - that's something I really believe in after something that feels like a mistake. We cannot change what happened already, but we can think about if there are ways to avoid the situation in the future, and we can forgive ourselves and move forward caring for ourselves. And I'm glad to hear that's what you're doing.
Hoping today feels a little easier
@Anomalia
My apologies for such a late reply. I'm all for hugs and I really appreciate you giving me one. I also appreciate that you've taken the time to read and reply. I actually read this when you posted it, but I think I was still in a bit of shock about everything and eventually couldn't bring myself to think about these things anymore.
It was like I needed a mental break. I am improving, and I've been trying to eat healthy and take care of my body as well. I'm also back to 7 cups again, and starting to meditate and process a lot of hurt and anger.
If there is one thing I know, it's that I have a lot of anger inside of me, and because of past brainwashing, I have been afraid of that anger. So thats what I'm going to work on now. Dealing with it in a healthy, safe way.
Again, thanks for your kindness. It matters to people like me, who need to hear kind words in the midst of years of abuse and hatred. Wishing you the best.
@Wishing4Dreams - No need to apologize for a late reply - you are always allowed to process things in your own time and respond (or not respond) as feels comfortable for you.
I'm really glad to hear that you are starting to feel a little better and that you've been focusing on really taking care of yourself - body and mind.
I can very much relate to what you said about starting to learn that you have a lot of anger inside that you haven't felt able to express in the past and needing to find healthy, safe ways to process it. That anger is a valid emotion and you're allowed to feel it - it's not bad or wrong, it's real. That was a big part of my own recovery from my eating disorder - learning to accept anger as an emotion and express it in ways that let it out without hurting myself or anyone else. A couple things I've found helpful are: writing out all of the anger I'm feeling, even as letters directed towards people or towards things and then walking away to come back later and see how it feels then; playing music that expresses those emotions; channeling the energy into something productive (weirdly for me, if I'm super angry sometimes my feelings come out either by screaming or by cleaning); screaming into a pillow - I hope that you find something that works for you as well.
In the meantime, *big hugs* and I'm always around if you need to talk about anything.
@Anomalia
Thanks so so much. I'm always grateful for the kindness and support.
@Wishing4Dreams
You're brave and your subconscious wanted to tell. I don't wish you to think that was a stupid decision.
I am glad your husband was near to help you in your need. Thank you for sharing such broken story. Broken stories reminds me I am not alone, it encourages me to help myself and others around. Thank you again!
@Jackie
Thank you for your words of kindness, and you are right, you are never alone. Take care and best wishes in all you do.
Well, here I am again. More life changes have happened. My workplace had moved me to the 3rd position I've held in like 6 months. So stressful to be jerked around and made to learn something new every time I get a little bit comfortable with my current position. I'm struggling so I don't want anymore change right now. At least not at work. I've been at the company 7 years now and I hope to be on to a more fulfilling career path at least by the time I hit 10. of course, should the opportunity arise before then, I'll be more than happy to move on. Not sure what I wanna do yet, but I'd love to help people in some way.
Which brings me to another realization. I can't even help myself consistently at the moment right now. I'm good for a shoe while, doing the self care and help. Then the nightmares or hair triggers hit. I've been down for three days now. It will be all I can do to drag my sorry hide to work tomorrow morning. And I literally only work 2 to 3 days per week now. I was able to work full time up until recently. Life and past issues were getting to be too much.
Case in point, I surrender. I'm tired of being stubborn and fighting it. I need professional help...again. I went to therapy years ago, where I was diagnosed with GAD, but to be honest, I only scraped the surface last time. So much has happened since then. So much more have I realized about past abuse, and it's truly hitting me just how serious this is. Not that I didn't take it seriously before.
@Wishing4Dreams
It's just that the full reality had never hit me in such a terrible way. I truly see how horrific the abuse was, and just how much it is limiting my life. I had done so well for a while, that I thought I had learned to cope. No. It was just the beginning. All the sexual abuse memories,sensations, nightmares...And now I feel more vulnerable, scared, and smothered than ever.
I told my husband I'm going to call and make an appointment with a therapist next week. The sooner the better. Gonna find one with a background in trauma. It's imperative that I do so. My wellbeing depends on it. My future and life depends on it. I want to LIVE. I'm so so very TIRED of struggling to just get through each day.
All I want is to maybe have a family if possible. Have some good years with my husband. And most importantly, find my PURPOSE in all this. I want to be ME again....
@Wishing4Dreams - I am really proud of you for making the decision to take that step and reach out to a therapist. You do not need to be going through all of this alone and you deserve support and help through, especially while things feel so tough. Is there anything else that you think would help right now while things are feeling overwhelming - even if it's just a small thing like giving yourself permission to feel certain feelings or having your husband check in with you on certain things each day, etc.?
@Anomalia
Thank you as always for your compassionate reply. I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply in turn. I have my first therapy appointment next week and even though I'm intimidated, I'm also greatly relieved. And in the meantime I have relied on my awesome husband to listen if I need him. My father also. So I'm really glad to have that. Thanks again. Your support is greatly appreciated.
Life Update:
Big changes. My first therapy appt is on the 10th and I'm scared but so very relieved to go. I'm so I'll and desperate and I'm willing to accept that I need help. This is serious and my functioning is dwindling so much that at times I can barely recognize myself.
.....TRIGGER WARNING ahead.......
I'm also finally accepting that I was sexually abused repeatedly. I have known it for many years but I was in a state of denial, always internally minimalizing what I'd been through. Always questioning just how real or bad it was, and even going the "what if I'm just crazy" route. No I'm not crazy. It's real, and it nearly did me in a few months ago. After that incident I'm lucky to be alive. I'm ready to tell a therapist. I'm ready to heal and move on with my life.
I'm also admitting that I'm ready to leave retail. I've been in it for a combined total of 10 to 11 years, and the rude customers, toxic work environment, and stress are enough. I'm down to working weekends and can barely take that. I've been triggered at work too many times to count.
I'm actively seeking employment elsewhere, and even if I fail, at least I'll be away from all the negativity. I'm not expecting perfection, just something tolerable. Tomorrow is my orientation with a temp agency. Gonna try some entry level factory or clerical...just anything. I'm so, so desperate and I've let my employer take advantage of me, or treat my terribly, too many times.
@Wishing4Dreams
I've let myself get overworked and pushed around for YEARS. Now my previous boss was a wonderful person and I had nice coworkers, so I didn't mind doing more than my fair share (though that's still too much). But once I moved to a new location and transferred, this new place took advantage big time. I was working 6 to 7 day weeks, coworkers calling in and leaving me alone constantly, and leaving me with the majority of work, so if anything went wrong IWAS to blame. I was constantly questioned and jumped onto. Then they tried to force me into a management position I never said I'd even considered.
I broke down, nearly quitting, but they talked me out of it. Moved me down to a couple days, but decided that instead of putting me in a low stress area like they'd agreed to, that they'd stick me in a very high stress, high liability area that I wasn't even qualified for. My trainer was abusive, condescending, and right before I began training I was literally pulled aside and told "uh they did tell you about her, right?" NO they did NOT! She barely showed me anything, belittled me every time I had a legitimate question, and scolded me for every move I made.
I felt tricked. Then they did away with the position and made me train the supervisors once my own trainer had left the company. To boot it all, I had to learn the new system just to train them for a job I no longer had! Then after I once again requested a lower paid, less stressful
@Wishing4Dreams
Position, they ignored that and I ended up working where I literally get chewed out by customers every day I work. I'M DONE! The last day I worked I was ignored and spoken to very rudely by all management I came in contact with. I'm not standing for it anymore, and I've never been a problem worker, and if I knew it was my own problem I'd take responsibility.
I'm ready to move on. I may stumble a few times, but I'm ready to leave that company and not look back.
Okay that turned into a rant...lol
To anyone who manages to read all my mess. Thanks in advance. You're awesome just for giving me the time of day.
Peace out for now and wish me luck. Best wishes to all of you.
@Wishing4Dreams - I am so so proud of you! These are some pretty huge steps you're making and they aren't easy, but I am hopeful that they will ultimately be really helpful ones, too. And I'm really glad to hear that you're starting therapy and will have another person to help support you through all of this - more people that care is a good thing!
I don't know when your appointment is this week, but I'm sending extra courage your way for that day and I hope you'll share how you feel about it afterwards! <3
@Anomalia
Thank you for all of your support. I will be nervous about these changes, but I feel they are necessary. I am both nervous and hopeful about therapy, but I'm definitely more hopeful than anything. I'll definitely update on how things are going. Again, I'm super grateful for your insight and responses. It's really helped me a lot through these trying times. I hope that one day I'll heal enough to be helpful to others in the same way that so many of you wonderful people are helpful to me.
@Wishing4Dreams - I am confident that you will do just that! 
I officially went to therapy for the first time in a long time today. The therapist was very kind and empathetic.
I told her a lot more than I thought I would get to. Told her about growing up with a very mentally ill mother, that I was physically and emotionally abused, and that I had some family members who were very inappropriate with me.
Told her many things, as she asked a lot of questions, and it felt good to let it out.
She said she suspects that I not only have the anxiety disorder I was diagnosed with before, but I have a lot of indicators of PTSD.
Sounded so good to hear, strangely enough. The validation was much needed. I have another appointment on the 22nd of this month.
I'm so glad to hear that therapy went well! It isn't always easy to open up to someone new, and it's a testament both to your bravery and to her compassion that you were able to be so open with her. You absolutely deserve this support and validation of your struggles and I am really happy that you have found someone that seems like such a good fit. 
@Wishing4Dreams
@Anomalia
Thank you for your kindness as always! I'm very happy to have her as a therapist and I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again. Going to therapy is a much needed breath of fresh air to me at this point. She's supposed to sort of give me a recovery plan next time I go so even though it's rough to talk about the things I've bottled inside for years, I'm actually happy to go back. I know it won't always be easy but I'm getting a bit hopeful for what is to come!
This makes me so happy to read. And I really love that you're going in hopeful, but also with realism. You're right that it won't always be easy - working through things that you've been bottling up is tough and it can be hard to talk about them and to deal with the emotions they bring up. But going through that is also a chance to process these things and be able to move forward from them rather than pushing them down and letting them simmer inside. I am so proud of you and so excited to continue to hear more about your journey!
@Wishing4Dreams
@Anomalia
Thanks as always for your support. You are right, as it will be painful going through all those traumatic things in therapy, but it will be worth it. I'm ready to move on with my life.
@Wishing4Dreams
I've been to therapy a few times now, and as a result I've had some improvements already. Also my new job has far less triggers thus far, so that helps a lot as well. However, much like the tides of sea, there's a lot off ebb and flow, ups and downs on the path to making peace with my horrific truth. My last visit left me feeling very shaken for a few days. I cried, I felt paranoid and jittery. I felt like a scared little girl.
.....Trigger Warning.....very disturbing content ahead....
We've been focusing a lot on my sexual abuse, and with so much diving into it, I'm putting the pieces together, remembering more and more.
Things are disturbingly making more sense now. I do have a very dark secret. I know I've mentioned sexual abuse, and it does have so much to do with that. It's about the bits and pieces I remember and how they are oddly weaving together to form a narrative that haunts me. I'm going to write it here first, so that I can get it out. Then, of course, I'm telling my therapist. She needs to know what's bothering me so much.
I believe I was between 10 and 11 when this happened. Those 2 years of age are where things line up. This was the year I looked in the mirror one day and had large, purple bruises all over my breasts. I was scared and told my mother, who was worried and asked if it was the bra I'd worn (it had under wire). I'd worn it a bunch of times before. Never did that to me. Just big purple bruises, like someone had squeezed me hard.
@Wishing4Dreams
So I know something weird was up around this time. Also, my mother kept asking me if anyone was touching me like my uncles. I had no memory of that so I said no. Also, she was mentally ill, so I just brushed it off as her paranoia. One morning, however (think I was still 10) I woke up on the couch, doubled over in pain. My stomach and abdomen hurt. My private parts hurt. I felt sick. I felt weird and gross and ashamed, but I didn't know why. Mom made breakfast, as it was a Saturday morning. I told her I didn't want to eat. She said try anyway. She made pancakes and sausage. I felt embarrassed to sit at the table for some reason. Didn't know why. I spotted for two days after that. Told my mom. She kept me home from school that Monday. She gave me a talk. She acted really disturbed, kept telling me I could get pregnant cause this was likely my period. Kept asking me if any of my uncles bothered me. I was confused and somehow ashamed. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I somehow knew what she'd meant. I only spotted a couple of days, then no period.
It came time for my 6th grade physical. She refused to let me go with my class to have it done. She forced me to stay home from school that day. It upset me because I had good attendance and would get rewarded with a free day if I went to school. She still made me stay home. Said she was worried about me. I asked why. She wouldn't say. She just seemed worried. Dad was at work.
@Wishing4Dreams
I found out in my adult years that he knew nothing about my trip to the doctor. Mom didn't tell him. She took me to a doctor. I was by myself, got my physical away from other kids. They made me pee in a cup, and my mom asked the nurse something and the lady shook her head no. My mom seemed relieved. The nurse said my body was probably just not ready to start my period all the way. It was confusing.
I eventually turn 11, get my period sometime later. However, sometime in the midst of all this(not sure when), I get up in the morning to go to school. I start getting sick in the mornings, nearly throwing up. It's a pattern. I remember it many mornings in a row. Only in the mornings. It would pass, and I'd be okay later. I'd even dry heave in front of the toilet sometimes cause I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. I had a lot of nausea. Almost threw up in class early one morning from it.
That year was the same year that when my mother dressed me (didn't stop dressing me until I was 12 for some reason) she forced me to wear super tight jeans. I'd tell her they were too tight, and she'd say just put some water on the front of them. They'll soften up and stretch. Except they didn't. They were always tight. So tight I'd have to hide and unbutton them just to feel comfort. Sometimes they'd leave a deep purple ring around my stomach.
Mom asked me multiple times during this particular time in my life if one of my uncles had bothered me.
@Wishing4Dreams
Also told me not to let them in my room alone. What struck me as very disturbing was the fact that she never made me wear pants that tight (to my knowledge) until this particular time in my life. Not 5,6,7,8,9...she stopped dressing me when I was 12 and let me more or less pick my own clothes out from then onward. It scares me what she'd seen or was thinking...
I'm missing huge chunks of time in between all of this. I only remember the physical things, and my mother's paranoia with my uncles.
Even in adulthood, she asked me if I knew of anyone molesting me. She's dead now, so I'll never know what she truly was hiding then.
.....
So as an adult the sexual abuse I actually remember mixed with dark things like this have messed with my intimacy and my libido. I can't ever fully be there during sex. I do want a family and so does my husband but I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of being pregnant, and I need to admit that. I think it's been a huge roadblock for me, despite other things. I feel ashamed to get pregnant, because of what it means.
I need to admit this. I need to tell my therapist.
I can't help it. I can't help but wonder if I've been that way before. Even if I wasn't, I have a good idea what was going on. I just don't know who...My husband even asked me about it. He said I just react so strangely to the idea of pregnancy.
It's a shame that horrific abuse has taken something meant to be so special and turned it into horror and despair for me.
@Wishing4Dreams
It makes me feel crazy and disgusting. I do have memories of other sexual abuse, just not this. It's so dark and horrible.
I'm going to tell her just how messed up all this has made me. I'm not okay, when it comes to this. I hate it. I hate this terrible sick feeling and this fear. I hate the blank gaps that torture me, just giving me enough info to be sick and scared.
I need to heal from this. I want to move past this.
