My Trauma is Ruining my Life *Potential Trigger Warning--mention of emotional/physical abuse and suicidal ideation*

I've had a hard time for a while now with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I've been diagnosed with PTSD but I never really felt like my trauma was enough to be diagnosable. I know that my behaviors--especially the bpd ones are based on my past and some of the trauma, but I thought I could just use skills and my understanding of behavior modification to change these behaviors. But it's not enough. I feel like my trauma is effecting me more than ever lately and I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I know I need to address issues in therapy, but we can't even do that until we can figure out how to get my basic needs met, but in the mean time I feel like my ability to function is deteriorating because I'm so easily triggered lately. It's getting bad in my living situation. My cousin and her husband invited me to live with them because I was living in a very abusive environment with my parents. I was hesitant because one of my biggest emotional issues is feeling like a burden, but after some time I agreed that the guilt would be better than the emotional abuse at my parents house. Things were fine, they let me bring my dog that my dad was going to make me get rid of. But then my dog got overwhelmed and snapped at their 2 year old, she didn't hurt her, it was more of a warning to get away. But my cousin's husband said that I had to find her a new home. I acted impulsively, and very borderline, and overdosed on pills that night and ended up in the hospital. I was on the trauma unit where you're supposed to have therapy 3 times a week working on EMDR and other trauma therapies, but I couldn't even do the trauma work because I had to deal with the situation with my dog, and then my great grandma passed away while I was in the hospital. Since being home from the hospital for about 10 days now, I feel so uncomfortable when my cousin's husband is home. I feel guilty because I haven't found a place for my dog and for how I reacted to the situation. But I can't emotionally handle dealing with that stuff right now, and so I feel guilty about that. But my therapist won't even help me with the Riley thing until we figure out how I can make sure I have enough food to eat, get my meds, and make it to my appointments. I don't have an income right now, I lost my last job because of my dissociation and panic attacks. I'm trying to get approved for disability benefits again, but that takes so long. So my life feels like a mess. On top of the guilt, I am also triggered by some of his behaviors. Like when he yells at my cousin or his daughter it triggers my memories and emotions of when my dad yelled at me. Augustine isn't being abusive about it and it's not directed at me and even if I'm in another room and hear it I start to freak out. I mean, I know i could talk to them about how I'm feeling, but I feel like I have no right to feel the way I feel and/or to ask them to be sensitive to my needs because they're already providing me a place to live for free until I have an income. I can't ask him to change in his own home because I am uncomfortable. I also get triggered because my cousin and her husband love their daughter more than anything. And I wish that someone cared that much about me. Like I threatened suicide and wrote suicide notes because making me get rid of my dog makes me feel that awful and even with me threatening to die he was unwilling to compromise and let me see if I could figure out what is wrong with my dog and if she might be physically sick and get better if I get her medication to treat his issue. To me I feel like the fear of his daughter getting bitten by my dog (who has never bitten anyone) is stronger than the value of my life. Like I want someone to see me as being worth more than anything to them (particularly my parents), but they don't. Actually mad dad says I make his life miserable and that he tried to kill himself because of me so and he saw my mental health rapidly decline in front of him when he was insisting on me getting rid of my dog, and he didn't care. I went into my worst depression ever. I dissociated for 14 days. My brain shut off. And now my dissociation is still not under control. I'm dissociating so much more because I can't handle life anymore. I've run out of personal resources and my other family members aren't able to help anymore. I'm also realizing that I part of my "picky eating" isn't because I am being stuck up or closed minded, it's trauma linked also. I know my dad used to yell at us kids if we didn't eat our vegetables and I think he was even physically abusive towards us if we didn't clean our plates (memories around that are fuzzy). So now there are so many foods I can't eat. My body will not let me eat them, I will gag if I try and I'm realizing it's mostly foods that my dad served and cooked a lot. So I've gotten to the point I can't eat much healthy stuff because of that and I hate going to other people's places for meals because I don't want to offend them by how picky I am. Even something as simple as taking a shower has trauma around it. I got in trouble for using to much shampoo or too much water because I was showering so much (plus I'm disgusted by my own body). I don't clean because I'm afraid it won't be good enough and I'll get in trouble for that. I don't cook for the same reasons. I don't do laundry. Like I really don't do anything because I am so afraid of getting in trouble and it's just now dawning on me how much the abuse from my dad has effected my ability to function as an adult. It sucks too because I'm smart, I do well in school, and I understand the procedures of behavior modification, and therapy as that's what I'm studying in school, but it's not working because I haven't dealt with the underlying trauma. I feel like such a pathetic excuse of an adult. I need help, and I don't know where to turn anymore.