My Winding Pathway

@MKJart I really hope everything will get better for you and feel free to talk to me or anyone else if you need someone to talk to, and I hope that taking an off day will help you relax and ease your pain. I hope your day will get better and just know that you aren't facing this by yourself, the 7 cups community, including me, are here if you need to talk

@MKJart

Good to see you Mary, and I really like your title. You demonstrate such resilience and determination, I hope the bad days are few, the good days many, and the winding path is very firmly pointing forwards.

Associations are going like this in my head-

I feel trapped

I cant breathe

I cant move my head

Im going to puke and I cant move my head.

I vomit and begin suffocating on it because I cant move my head. I hear emergency suction and a tube sucks it out of my airways, I can breathe again, but that smell-

I hate the smell of it.

I smell it in my nose and the acrid taste when Im thrown in the river after I puke on my cousins pants- I cant breathe

I smell and see vomit on my grandmothers face in the little emergency room where I Identify her and gently close her eyes. I cant catch my breath.

I hate the smell of the hospitals.

Im held immobile and I cant breathe

The smell of emergency rooms over many visits.

The smell of hospitals during 18 surgeries. Tubes yanked from my throat during recovery. That feeling of gagging and I cant breathe.

The hospital smell where my grandfather lay. Eventually bringing that smell and all the beeping equipment to our living room. Gagging on the smell when they removed his body. I cant breathe.

I feel so much pressure behind my eyes.

I feel a weight pressing into my chest and constricting my breathing.

I feel my heart rate is slow and I could sleep.

I dont have the energy to continue.

The pressure in my head is intense.

I feel trapped and scared

Flashing again to the man who said Oh my god is she going to die, oh sh!+, am I going to die?

Am I going to die?

I survived-NO-I survived.

I feel raw and exposed.

I am exposed, they cut my clothes off in the middle of the freeway during rush hour.

I survived.

I feel anger towards the man who asked if I was going to die. I want to yell at him No a55h0le, Im not going to die!

I would die so many times.

I survived.

Im here and Im safe.

I'm currently doing EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I've had three 1 hour and one half hour session so far.

During this, with a very skilled therapist who I have built a trustung alliance with, I am asked to enter traumatic times in short spurts and my brain/body does the rest. It does include some uncomfortable sensations during it, but I have always felt better at the end as apposed to when beginning.

My thought associations coming up are surprising to me because the linking factor or smell, the sensations of difficulty breathing and not being able to move were what connected the different traumas at 4, 8, 12, 14, 15, 16, 28 and beyond years of age. Even when the individual tramas were sometimes wildly different. I entered the target with only the 8 year old narrative in mind. It's hitting all the others in short spurts and the processing of thought associations is eye opening.

I've felt alternately disconnected from my body and more fully present then ever since the session on Wed night. My next session is the 5th. Going to sleep has been difficult, but blissfully no nightmares and few shaking wake ups when I do. That is an improvement. I've also felt really lethargic and had an upset tummy- not sure if the tummy is linked

I have a harp class in another half hour and that excites me and gets me out of the house for a spell. I find it difficult to `NOT be processing and I hope the get away will allow me a small break.

My self esteen isn't so bad anymore. The inner critic that acts like a ticker tape moving just below what's really happening in the present doesn't draw the excess attention from me anymore. Sure it still kicks up, but I've learned ways to check in with my self and flip the script to something more positive if it does. Being aware for me is more than half the battle. I'm happy with my progress.

It's been a good and a challenging day. time with friends, time with art and music, but also a lot of pain in my body. I've been doing the Savassana meditations. It's a full body meditation with diaphragmatic breathing. You lay with you arms to you side, slightly separate from your body, your legs hip dstance apart. I breath in and feel my body tensing up, when I breath out I intentionally work on relaxing where I hold the tension in my body. It feels so fickin good. Like a wave of tighening and relaxing. I ended up doing it two hours yesterday and today for more than an hour.

My day is good. I went on a tour of two different artists studios and learned their stories and how they do it. One of the artists, her mother had to fight to be able to work as an artisan in pottery. It was completely male dominated ans scadalous for her to want to do it. Her husband faught her on it too, but she persisted succeeding wildly. Even though her mother had broken the mold, she was forbidden to study to be an artisan. Eventually she left home to do it anyway and learned about health safety and evironmental responsibility. She was THE first potter to bring lead free glazes to her puebla and people faught her tooth and nail. Finally they had the blood tested of the citizens in her puebla- everyone, particularly the children had high lead in their blood since the cooking stove and kiln shared close space. Her method was adopted and she teaches women all over the state how to create lead free workspaces and work with the lead free dies. SHe's a powerhouse and her pottery is amazing. I got great tips for my studio.

The second workshop was of an international mask artist, carving out of wood. He even let me try working on one of the masks. I was worried I'd mess it up, but he put me at ease. It was fun.

Next I dropped off supplies to the teachers in one of the other pueblas for the summer art program. We ordered pizza and visited where I got to know them better.

Rainy weather still had my body hurting so I decided not to go to the party tonight. I don't even feel guilty, I just know I'm taking care of myself. That's improvement.

Long time without internet, but I'm back now. My pain and emotional distress are high. The weather is bad. Pain makes my emotions out of wack. My emotions are already galloping full speed ahead towards a bridge that's out due to some things I'm working on in therapy. With the internet out, I had to cancel my appointment since it's via video chat. The internet was fixed 30 min before my appointment, but I had already cancelled and it was filled by another client. My next appt won't be until next Wed. I feel raw and dangling by a thread. Hard nights.

Fortunately watergun painting is this Sunday! Nothing ike some play to get the mind off things.

I feel like I want to cry, but the tears wont come.

I would say to myself if I was the adult I just wish someone had been for me when the cops removed us from the home.

Mary, you were so little and you couldnt know what was right and what was wrong. You were told to listen to adults, to love and obey your father. That belt on the railing of the stairs. That sound of the buckle hitting the railing In God We Trust across the front. You did what you did because it made sense to protect yourself. If you touch a hot stove and it burns, you learn not to do it again. You said no, hid and made metal underwear with results that taught you not to do that again.

Im sorry you had that experience. It wasnt your fault and it wasnt your brothers fault either. A child doesnt know the difference between good and bad touch until theyre taught. You deserved to be protected and loved, have your voice respected and have safe body contact. He tricked you. Not because youre stupid, but because you were young/innocent and he was a good manipulator. Thank you for being so strong . Going along was the best thing you could have done with the support and knowledge that you had. I think it may have saved your life and sanity. Im grateful to you and am here to make sure that no one hurts you again. Its safe to say no and cry. Its safe to say what you need.

What a smart way to protect yourselves. Im sorry it didnt work, but youre brave to try. It wasnt a stupid Idea. It didnt work because he was stronger and bigger, not because it wasnt well done. You cared for each other very much. Somtimes its easier to laugh than to get angry or cry. Its OK that you laughed then. Its safe to cry and be angry now. You have a right to cry and be angry. Im here to support you.

You and your brother were acting out in sexual play because you were exposed to inappropriate behavior. Children act out in play what they dont understand. You didnt know and couldnt know until you did (Thanks for that wording, Amanda). It makes sense that you froze when he raped you because you were taught to go along for safety. He had no right and you deserve to be treated with respect. You can protect yourself now and Im here to help. You dont have to have a relationship with Jamie if you dont want to. You can make that choice.

Your body is meant to have orgasms and the situation being bad cant stop it from happening. Its like when you cry if you peel an onion or your knee jumps when the doctor hits it with the hammer. It doesnt mean you wanted it or were willing. Uncontrollable and normal.

Youre strong and courageous. You made it through then and you will now. We can do it together. The worst is over, it wont kill you. Youll feel better when you can feel everything. Keep going. You got this and I got you!

*******Trigger Warning*********

Numbness/dissociation to me is obessive thinking, in my head, disconnected hypervigalence, constricted, wrapped in cotton, pointless, tired. Im learning to identify sensations in my body as emotions. Its why I describe my emotions by sensation regardless of age in a narrative. In doing this Im starting to be more present to my uncomfortable truths that usually start emotionless timelines. Focusing on sensations/senses Im able to piece my emotions into the narratives. Imagining another child experiencing the same things is painful, but is allowing me see the unjustness. Make sense? Not blocking emotions of others from causing sensations inside me helped hugely in identifying what some sensations mean to me. (If you think it would be helpful I can send you a list of the emotions I can strongly identify with specific sensations in my body?)

My brother and I were misled. He was taught to behave sexually agressive towards me (10-13yrs). I was taught to take it (8-11yrs). He told me it was only because he had to. Wed figure out ways to make it go faster, be easier or distract our stepdad from violence with feel good sexuality. We were taught these were normal ways to navigate having a dad. The police took us away and corrected us that the behavior was horrible (I translated that to Im horrible). I feel betrayed, stupid and confused of how I just went along. Distress level 4

I used to think it was funny/silly when my brother and I tried to make metal underwear to protect ourselves. It didnt work and we cut legs. We laughed off the failure as a stupid idea. I remember tight muscles, shallow breathing, tight throat/jaw and the irritated business of fear coursing through me. We were so serious! It was devastating when it didnt work. Sad an 8 year old girl and her 10 year old brother fit each other out for metal underwear against sexual assault by their father figure. Why would I think this is funny? It makes me angry which feels very much like fear plus elevated temperature and lightening heartrate. Distress level 8

Within a year we didnt resist anymore. It was like trying to win a game if we could keep it less painful, trick him from violence, or make it feel good. It was life and seemed normal. Pairing the body sensations with the images I feel terror, disgust, pain, trapped, immobile, aroused and ashamed. It hurts, was unjust and I didnt matter. Distress level 4

This is hard to admit because I feel dirty. We explored each other when my stepdad wasnt there too. Our ages were less than 2 years apart so is this normal sexual exploration? It feels shameful. Our explorations were twisted by my stepdad and complete lack of other supervision. I feel ashamed and worry that it miscommunicated to my brother that his assault was OK years later. Without my stepdad we would not have behaved this way. We didnt know. We did what we had to in an impossible situation. Found ways to adapt to make it livable. I feel ashamed anyway like Im trying to defend the undefensible. Distress level 9

When I was raped by him I didnt cry, protest, fight, or scream, just took it. His face was twisted into so much rage with dead eyes. The image has shifted to these eyes and the distress went back up. It sucks. I feel terror, emptiness, betrayal. I feel shame I had an orgasm, both aroused and disgusted. What have I done to make him so angry? Confused. Distress level 9

We explored sexually in the past. Since I didnt protest, say no, or fight how could he know I wasnt willing? I see the rageful, dead eyes of my hero and know I dont matter to him. This is crushing rejection. Pulsing numbness, despair, betrayal, anger, to numbness again. Im nothing. Its like I keep trying to figure out how I deserved it to make it hurt less. Why do I want this person in my life. Feeling angry that she got in touch with me at all. Distress level 9