My mother died and I don't know how to be anything anymore.

"On April 12th it was a Thursday. I was just going to her after work to meet there with my father and my older sister. We went to give her more pampers and some pajamas. She was quite down when we all went in and see her. She wasnt able to speak much or be focused. I started crying so intensely I had to leave the room she was in. A nurse told me to keep it together because I cant let my mom see me this way. And also its not so bad, I just need to speak with the doctor so calm myself down a bit.

After my dad and my sister left, I went back to give her another pajama because the one I bought was too small so I had to buy another one. She was a bit more focused this time around, at about 1 hour distance. She was actually grumpy about the fact she left herself get to that stage. I was so happy to see her grumpy. I called my dad and my sister and told them she feels so much better now.

How naive I was that night… My dad celebrated with my grandma (his mom) and we all had our hopes up. We thought its only the meds that keep her in such a bad state of mind.

I scheduled a meeting with the doctor for the next day, Friday April 13th. I had a bad feeling because I dislike Friday 13ths…

However I went the next morning to meet the doctor. I waiter for him about 2 hours… He never came to our meeting. So I had to leave because I had to work that day.

A few hours later, at lunch, my dad called me to say my mom was taken to the ITU (Intensive Therapy Unit). I was in shocked. I couldnt believe it. She was almost alright the night before… I felt so guilty for leaving the hospital to go to work. I was crying and talking on the phone all the time that day with my father… my older sister… the doctor. The doctor wasnt giving her much chances.

I said to myself. Im ready. Im ready to give her my liver. What do I have to do? Alright. So they think she might have cancer… Alright… Breathe. Breathe. Im panicking. I cant do anything right. Please, God, save her!

Everyone at work was seeing Im in such a bad state and they had no idea what to say. I was unable to work, I was moving randomly through the office and crying and trying to think about solutions. I couldnt believe she was in the ITU.

Finally, my boss told me I can leave earlier. I was so relieved because they told us we cant see her for more than 2 mins each between 5 PM and 5:30 PM. I was finishing work normally at 6:30 PM. And they let me leave at about 3 PM.

I went to the church that day. I tried to focus on my prayer but didnt know how to pray properly. I left with a peaceful soul trying to think its going to be alright. It will be because I was going to do everything in my power to save her. I didnt care what I needed to do, I was going to do it.

When we went there we had to wait for about 30 mins over the scheduled time. I found out at the ITU there was quarantine for the flu so the schedule wasnt going to be respected… Finally, when we had to go in we had to put some scrubs and shoes. I started crying instantly but the nurse told me she wouldnt let me in if im crying. I said im not crying.

And there she was… all disoriented but so pretty. They were keeping her naked and I was so embarrassed for her. I knew if she was able to see herself for real she wouldnt let herself in that state. I approached her and took her hand and kissed her. I was trying my best to keep it together so the nurse wouldnt kick me out. I told her my younger sister entered the masters degree she wanted to. She was so happy! We were happy together for the first time in about a week, as the days before she wasnt really able to stay awake.

I told her I love you. And she said I love you too my dear. A few days before that moment she replied with a simple Thank you, haha. Now I knew she was there with me. My heart was broken because I had to leave her there alone and needed to go so my older sister and my dad could see her too. My face was read because of so much crying when I left the room. I collapsed on the floor of the corridor and started crying so much. I realized there was probably not much to do anymore. I couldnt believe it. It was so much. We were talking for months to go to the doctor or something but she refused. She sure knew she was sick but didnt know exactly what is happening with her or how serious it is.

She used to tell me in her last days that this isnt a disease she has. Its just reactions to the painkillers and all the other meds she is taking. But no… looks like it was a very bad liver disease.

Two days after that day she was dead.

Dead.

I cant accept death. I cant accept what happened even now after almost a month since it happened.

My dad is completely broken. My younger sister is alone in London forcing herself to study to finish her bachelor degree. My older sister is fighting with her own depression.

Were devastated."

This is something I wrote about a month ago. I still feel destroyed deep inside. I can't find any meaning to life anymore. I'm so freakin sad and ashamed. I feel so guilty.