My place to talk

I did an exercise on the growth path this morning about how people aren't paying as much attention to the things about us that we think they are. It said they're more focused on themselves. I think that's probably true to an extent, like maybe if you're talking about strangers out at the store, or even people around us who are more positive.

I'm about to be a little negative now though. I can't help but think of all the people I've overheard making fun of other people, or talking nasty about them. All the details they notice and attach significance to. I'm not talking about strangers, rather people who have relationships with each other. People who say they love each other. Then they turn around and tell me things I don't want to know, people's deepest insecurities, right after talking nicely to that person minutes before. Even when I don't take part in it, they continue to think I'll jump in and feed it. And I'm supposed to not have social anxiety knowing people are like that?

It makes me feel really unsettled when I can't understand or believe in some of the techniques that are supposed to help me feel better.

I just read something and wanted to jot down my thoughts for future reflection.

We hold the cards to progress. I've heard this idea stated in other ways before, like having responsibility ultimately for our healing, but it's having deeper meaning for me today. I feel like it's so easy for myself to get overwhelmed by what I'm feeling, whatever thing I'm struggling with, and I start to think about why it got to be that way, the events that came together and contributed to it. It's like I'm trying to understand and make sense of a difficult thing, which is great, but I think I give too much time and get stuck on it. I ruminate. I sometimes end up connecting unrelated but similar situations and overwhelming myself even further. I focus so much on what someone else did to me, giving so much power to them and feeling like all these forces are holding me down. It's like I'm telling myself that it's too big, that I have no power, that I can't change things and have hope. I'm making myself continue to live in that moment as if those things are still happening. But they are over, those people are gone now, and I can go anywhere from here. There is nothing telling me who I can be or what I can do. And if people try, I can choose not to let them into my life and my head. I can do whatever I am able and comfortable with.

Why is it so hard to not care what other people think of you? I've seen people say they don't care with such confidence, sometimes anger. I've said it myself before, and I mean it in some cases, but other situations are more difficult. It's very hard to me when someone wants to make you look bad to others. Not strangers, but people you care for. I don't know if it's really that they want people to loathe you, or they just want to look better by comparison. I think it's the latter. Ego is powerful, even sometimes when we say we're happy, or sad, or claiming we're doing things for others.

People will say whatever they can about you to make themselves feel better, about themselves or to lessen their guilt. I need to remember that. It doesn't make it much easier to deal with however. It sounds simple to say just let them do what they feel they need to do, let it roll off your back, that anyone who really matters will see the truth. Is that true?? Do nice people always see past the lies? I know some people do. Sometimes it's hard to tell who are the ones that matter most.

Is it worth it to stick around a group where one person causes so much trouble and just never gives it up? It's like they find identity in painting this picture of you and all the suddenly horrible things you've done to them. Funny you weren't so horrible when they used you so much such a short time ago. They tell everyone you're not as great as they think you are. I can't imagine ever saying that about anyone, even the people I don't like. I know for a fact they have to force themselves to ignore a lot of things I went way out of my way to do for them, just to try to help. Things that took a lot of my time, when I had very little. They like to try to say I used them, but, what exactly did I gain? I was constantly hurting because of the way they treated me. The demands of me, the basic things they wouldn't do for me in return. What could I possibly have used them for?

You can't win with some people no matter what you do. It's either this or you were disrespected and mistreated, with love. Now they've twisted everything in a grand illusion where you were the one doing what they were actually doing to you. It's the attention. It's manipulation. It's gaslighting. It's narcissistic. They became what they accused everyone else in their life of being.

What do I give up by leaving that group? What do I give up by staying? Am I really going to let another abusive person take away the little I have? Or do I take my losses and start over a little smarter again next time? At least this time I'm not completely alone. Thank you God for sending me my partner. They keep me going. I'm tempted over and over to just focus on them and separate completely from the rest of this nonsense. But I'm so tired of letting people win. I'm tired of the projection, and the trail I leave behind me trying to do the right thing. It's not right to have to keep giving up what was mine, just because someone takes a liking to me and wants to own me, and then takes their revenge when I remind them I'm a person too.

What if they were all right, and my problem is that I just can't "get over it"? How many relationships would I still have? Or can I trust my gut but accept that I just won't have many relationships? I feel too old to have hope in magical changes at this point. Waiting to meet the right people? I think this is one case where I am an exception.

It happened for a reason. I can see how it helped me move forward.

How am I supposed to feel? We had the same diagnosis. The same. Different experiences, different people, just like anyone. You've been through things I could never imagine, and I've been through others you couldn't imagine. Just like anyone. Yet somehow in the end, your diagnosis was the only one that mattered. I was supposed to be more considerate and understanding of you treating me admittedly badly. No excuses for me though. You could treat me however you felt like it on any particular day, excuse in hand. And I'm just supposed to take the little treat afterward and return to my dog house till the next time I'm summoned. And still all this time later you proclaim the same, that I didn't know how it was, that I had no idea what you dealt with. Apparently I owed you so much more than my everything I gave you. What a slap in the face. How dare you act like I was some privileged caretaker who owed you something? For heavens sake we met purely because we were both in pain trying to heal. But somewhere along the line you forgot that. I became your pet, your counselor. In my opinion, your parent. Not a friend. Nothing more. I made the mistake of giving to you what little I had, even when I had nothing and no one. I got sick over it all. And I hoped I could tell you how I was hurting and you'd have some empathy like you pretend to have for others, but I guess that was the line. I know now that what you give is only because you're trying to bait something back. You even knew I told you timidly, taking as much responsibility as I could on myself so I wouldn't upset you. What I realize now is that your thirst is insatiable. There is no fairness. It's all one sided. You're the ultimate victim, and I was just there for comfort and convenience. This is how much I mattered to you. Thank God I got out when I did. Thank God I started listening to that voice of self respect. And now I know what it's like to be loved. Why didn't walk weeks into the friendship when you cursed at me? That was the very first red flag, that I never felt comfortable telling you about. Just because I told you "ok" and you didn't like that word apparently. It scared me, but I already felt stuck and responsible for you. Because no one was allowed to be upset with you. Because it was all out of your control right? You knew then when I made excuses for that behavior and even apologized to you, for making you curse at me, that I was easy to manipulate and intimidate. Why do I waste so much energy hoping that someday someone will show any remorse? I thought someone who wanted it so much from others might show it themselves, but you're just another hypocrite. It's bad enough to have been through the past trauma without being revictimized with love. Why do I let the lies bother me? Why is it so hard watching you revel in the drama and aftermath? Hearing you lie to them and eat up the sympathy? Claiming I'm so scary and horrible even when I've had no contact with you all this time and gave you free reign, yet you feel safe enough to keep bringing it up to them. Just enough to get the pity without having to share the details. I think you know telling the real story would make you look bad. That's why you claim you can't. Shouldn't I just feel sorry for you? I don't want anything bad for you. But how I crave to hear the truth, unedited for an audience. I know I'm never going to see it. Just like everywhere else in my life. I wish I never told you you were different. I knew you weren't even when I said it. Maybe I just wanted to believe it. I did so badly want you to feel better about yourself. I wanted to believe the poetic words. You seem to feel plenty fine about yourself when someone doesn't do what you want. You do paint a good picture. I am smarter now.

If I can just accept the fact that some things are out of my control, that there's nothing I can do about those things. If I can just think "it is what it is", "it doesn't matter what others think", "I need to take care of myself and worry about myself". If I can stop hoping for justice and just focus on what the rest of my life holds. Then maybe I can stop wasting so much time and energy dwelling on what's happened. I just really have to feel and believe these things.

I feel silly sometimes that I come in here and talk about stupid problems with people. I don't talk about my childhood, or the past trauma. I talk about current people. But that's what my traumas left me with, interpersonal issues. I have trouble with trust. I feel like if I can get a handle on relationships in my life now, then what does the past really matter?

I wish I didn't hate people so much. Why do people get so much joy in making me feel unintelligent because I don't know the things they do? Sorry I didn't have parents that taught me basic life skills like yours did. Everything I know now is because I taught myself, trial and error, research. I'm glad you were blessed in that way, but that blessing comes with no humility? The more privileged you are the more ignorant and unkind? I don't get it. I hope you feel better about yourself now lady. It's between you and your conscience now. Have fun with that.

The worst part is I bet she'll never even give it a second thought. I'll just keep taking it. No one need notice or care.

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I'm reactive, insecure, and emotional. I don't feel in control of myself, and I feel out of options. There's so much coming at me right now, coupled with all the trauma stuff that was already there. I need to focus on myself this week and regulating my reactions.

It's fine if you couldn't meet me halfway. If you'd just been honest about that, we could've still been friends. Because I could have at least had a better understanding of the situation and had the option to decide how I wanted to show up in the relationship. I could have had proper boundaries for myself. But I think you knew that would have meant you'd get less attention from me. That others were getting more equal time. And you never liked that. So whenever you'd sense me having healthy distance, you'd suddenly pay me more attention. You'd do the extra special things to get me hooked again. You'd do all these things that you claim you weren't ready for. I never asked for those. You did them because you knew it got my response. Then as soon as I'd think maybe things were different and going better, and you'd get more of my attention, you'd start withdrawing yours again. It was like being swept up in some big game. I think you'd get back to feeling comfortable knowing I was focusing on you again, breath a sigh of relief knowing you had me. So then you could relax and not have to try too hard again. No wonder I was confused and hurting. On and off, back and forth, never knowing what to expect. Feeling like a dog loved when you wanted some need fulfilled. I think I'm starting to understand things better now. Soon I'll be able to truly let it go. Maybe people are easier to let go once you realize the good things weren't really what you thought they were.