My place to talk

It's very daunting that so many people nowadays are only out for themselves. Have humans always been that way, or is it more of a modern thing? I feel like there was a time when people used to look out for each other, care about their neighbor, try to get along as a community. Anymore I think we've gone way back in time where it's all me vs. you, us vs. them. Almost tribal. But at least a tribe wasn't every individual for themselves. There's no compromise, only: I'm right, you're evil, and we're going to do things my way. In order for one person/group to win, another has to lose. There's so much hate, even within each group. Immediate gratification. Sometimes it feels scary to me, being a part of society. But I'm just trying to go on living my life the way I see fit.

I've been doing better the last day or few at staying calm and rolling with things. I had been getting really bogged down by a lot of things going on in my life lately. They're all mostly good things, just a lot of big decisions at once. There were some little things that added on, like people bothering me and my partner. I was really letting it get to me, like reverting to older anxieties. I was feeling really raw and childlike at times. I know where that all comes from, but it's such a helpless feeling when it happens. My partner asks me what they can do to help, and I don't ever know how to answer. I can think of things after the moment has passed. I'm feeling pretty good today, because I really paid attention to things that help me come out of it. My partner helps keep me centered and remind me of things I need to bring me out of it. They've been through so much themselves, and I don't really know how they turned out the way they did. I had to read about things like how to have confrontations and boundaries. They just seem to have a more natural resilience and learned over time how to handle people. And they're still so optimistic and nice to people. I feel bad sometimes that I am far more pessimistic. Sometimes I like helping people, and sometimes I prefer keeping my distance. I find myself trying to be more like my partner. I am pretty positive too, but I definitely have a lot of bitterness, and I always tended to gravitate toward others who were negative too. I think that led to much of my friendship issues, because when I started to feel positive again I'd find my friends always bringing me back down. In a way I think that's my own fault for not being more aware and having more self-control. I think sometimes I get sucked into my empathy and take on others' feelings as my own. Or I try to relate to the point where what they're going through reminds me of what I went through and I take 10 steps backward. Or they just get mad or jealous of me for being happy, and that brings a whole other slew of issues. I shouldn't have to feel guity about having a good day, making progress, or having faith. It's not a bad thing to be the way I was, but I wish I'd listened to my gut. I'm learning how to do that now. I still get really confused, but I'm paying more attention to my thoughts when I'm happy. I really do think it's true what they say about who you surround yourself with and invite into your world. Some people make me want to be more positive. Others make me feel like I'm playing out my childhood again. It's hard for me to believe sometimes, but my partner says that they try to be more like me in some ways too, like listening better. They say they are a better listener to their friends now. It makes me feel good that we can help each other grow and lift one another up. As time goes on we get stronger.

Random thought I wanted to try to talk out. Is there such a thing as having too much compassion for yourself? Or at that point is it no longer compassion? I was thinking about how I've gotten stuck at points because I felt too weak to do things that needed to be done. Like I'd tell myself it was ok to avoid or not do things because I was scared or because of my past. I do think it's ok to take breaks, to take small steps, even to avoid some preferences as long as I'm still moving toward my goal. But it's been a problem when I've passed on opportunities I really wanted or took too long to make decisions because of fear. I'd make excuses because of the past abuses, but now that feels like I let the past control me. Lately I've been having experiences where I push through the fear for what I want, it's scary but it ends up feeling better, like healing and moving forward in life. I would like to be able to better tell when I'm being kind to myself versus making excuses to stay comfortable. Risk is scary, but where I was wasn't exactly comfortable either. Why would I want to keep myself there? If I keep waiting till I'm ready, am I ever truly ready? Maybe I don't get a 100% solution right away, maybe 80% is good enough to start.

When you've gone through long term extensive emotional and mental abuse, you may long to meet someone who's just as messed up as you, or even someone who is "normal". You imagine how nice it will be. At least in my experience, you quickly come to find that there's no such thing as normal, and a lot of people out there are mean or selfish. There are all kinds of harmful ways of relating, even if not abusive per say. Then one day you meet someone who is a little more aware and has a more mature way of relating. And for some reason, that seems even more scary than the original abusers or the other bad experiences. Someone who's okay with confrontations or speaks in a direct way, is so out of the norm for you, that it makes you extremely uncomfortable. (Hopefully it's understood that when I say you, I mean me.) I find I have to constantly talk myself through the discomfort, use reason, and remind myself that nothing bad is actually happening. What feels "bad" is being vulnerable because I'm asked for my opinion or hearing their opinion without having to guess or stay 10 steps ahead. And I don't know how to respond. I'm frequently tongue-tied. It feels raw, almost out on the spot, speaking with someone openly rather than having to interpret everything. You'd think this would be purely refreshing, but it's terrifying. This is not what I was trained for. I have no skills yet in just sharing without consequences. I keep waiting for them. Instead I'm told it's ok to feel that way. Instead, they notice when I'm a little off and want to hear about it, not just hoping it'll go away. I still wait for the "but". But then that's it. I still look for the unsaid signals. Maybe one day it'll click that I don't have to anymore. How disorienting, and wonderful.

I'm having a really great day today. A few more things are falling into place. I've been getting this sense that I'm on the right "path". I've been able to clear my mind and get a sense of what to do in situations, and things are unfolding toward what I want without me having to put in extensive effort. I still have to be diligent and work hard, but it doesn't feel like I'm fighting to make things happen. I'm not wishing things were different or hoping for anything. Even just joining this app feels like it's helping me connect with something.

I've been having courage to do things that used to make me uncomfortable. I'm speaking up for myself more. I've been more productive. The relationships I do have are better and closer.

My partner and I have been talking about having a baby. I feel like I'm ready for that. It used to be scary thinking about having kids, wondering if I'd make a fit parent. I think the dogs would be good with a baby.

There are so many good things happening, that it makes the past not seem so bad anymore. More like a distant memory. That's what I need, to build new better memories.

What does unconditional mean really? Without conditions. That is something I like to offer in a real friendship. I don't have to extend it to anyone or everyone, but it is my goal if I think a relationship is a good one. I am human, but I try to the best of my ability to put myself in someone else's shoes. If I offer unconditional friendship, does that then mean I'm expected to open myself up for regular mistreatment? Being patient, caring, and understanding is one thing, but sacrificing my well-being for someone else to be able to do whatever they want or need? I'm sorry, no, I think I'm allowed to retract unconditional if my health is suffering so they can be comfortable. I'm not paid. This isn't my job. I stretched out my hand and my heart, and if we just needed different things that's fine. I don't blame anyone for being incompatible or at different places. But don't string me along using me or waiting till you're sure, making me think you're sure, and then point fingers when I figure it out and start having some self-respect. I don't owe anyone anything. I'm no one's caregiver. You don't get to treat people badly with the right label.

Don't poke a lion who's keeping to themself. Don't ask a question unless you want to know the answer.

The anger is a result of lines being crossed, being used, fooled. Humiliated. Some anger at myself, for I believe it was I who embarrassed myself, allowed myself to be someone else's play thing. Put myself out there over and over, taking my time creating special things for you, sharing intimate things about myself. I don't regret that, because it's part of living. Sometimes you seemed to love them, sometimes you wouldn't even grant me a response and would just change the subject to give me the hint. Before you'd pour it on again to keep my attention. How many times my heart would drop into my stomach, and I'd pretend it was fine. Tell me to talk when something happens but then punish me when I do. Then get mad when I try to hold it in for you. You made me feel like I wasn't even worth trying. The confusion. You can't just figure out if you want something after you initiate it. I didn't start that part. I didn't need that. Maybe you didn't have a lot to risk, but I did. I'm responsible for a lot. It affects a lot. I would have been fine with different things. The anger also comes from sadness. Sadness because I'm never going to stop letting people in, but I can't believe how much they hurt me. How separate I feel from the human race. I really did think you were different in some ways, but it was just the same games. I'm never ever going to tell you how much you hurt me. I am different now. You think I'm such a bad person because I had a right to get angry. You parrot what I confided to you that other people called me without conscience. And you revel in it. At least they tried to take it back after, because they knew it was wrong. You even told me it was wrong. I know why you have to talk about it publicly, why privately letting it out isn't enough. Because you need everyone to hear it, you need more sympathy and numbers on your side. You needed me to know in a way where you could deny me a chance to respond. And then you hope I'll come back and talk. My heart is closed to your appeals, because I've learned I can't trust your lovely words or intentions. You may have never let me in, but I did let you in. Now I'm saving all the good in me, that you now like to pretend doesn't exist, for someone else. Those who treat me with respect. I know my worth. Say whatever you need to avoid remorse. I hope it makes you feel better and helps you in the future. This is the last time I'm going to talk about you. I've said enough. I've given you enough.

The last several days have been full of messages and revelations. Reminders, but with new meaning. I'm feeling very thankful and attentive. The anger has passed. The sadness, passed. Thank God for that. In their place, some disappointment. Only in myself. I don't like the way I become consumed by things. I don't want all this focus on the people who have hurt me. Haven't they taken enough already? Why would I continue to let them have so many of my thoughts and feelings, time, life force?

It's not even that I'm in the mindset of wanting to deny anything to anyone. The opposite actually. I hope they find grace. I don't want any of them to hold onto this stuff either. Just go and find your happiness, whatever that is. Be free. Offer yourselves peace. I so badly hope that she has discovered whatever it is that was making her so unhappy and is now working toward being better for herself. I don't want bad things for her or anyone.

I want to send a wave out across the oceans, covering them all with a calmness and clarity to do what they need to do. I think that's what forgiveness is to me. I don't find any value in reconciliation of the past, but I do value laying down my sword. My shield, even. Do what you must to me from here on out, world, I think I'm starting to understand better now. I've learned a lot. Maybe it took all this to finally get it. Because I think I needed this to get to where I am now. There are people who need me to be exactly the way I am, so they can be exactly who they were meant to be. I know my partner and I would not understand each other the way we do if it weren't for the traumatic experiences we have in common. I hope I can have enough presence of mind to recognize when a moment is part of a larger picture. Or at least get to the point where I can see it later.

Someone told me again recently that I am good at reading people. I don't know for sure how accurate that is, but I do know there is some truth in it and it is an old skill. I've been wondering if it's one that doesn't serve me anymore. At least not the way I've been using it. Maybe it's good to be able to pick up on things. But I'm not sure I care anymore why people do the things they do. It doesn't do me any good to figure out. It's like a puzzle that's challenging to figure out but very fruitless once you see the final picture. This skill is only useful to recognize what I do and don't like, what is good for me and what I want to stay away from. Very basic sense. Let each person worry about why they do what they do, or ignore it if that's their choice. I'll just focus on fixing myself and my mistakes. I have enough of my own to worry about.

I had a doctor appointment today. I've been having a health issue for about the last year or less, but I get tired of making appointments for various things only to be told it's just stress, or they can't figure it out. So I make my annual checkups and just discuss any updates with them then. Naturally, turns out this time I probably should have gone in sooner. I was expecting either nothing or something new, not this. Last time they said it wasn't growing anymore and I could go another 10 years without the next surgery. Apparently there's been a development in a condition I've been managing. Or not managing, if I'm being honest. The damned depression makes it to where some days I care a lot and other days I could care less what happens to me. Upon hearing this news and knowing now there will be more appointments, surgeries, and procedures, still part of me cares and part of me does not. Part of me feels relief even that maybe it all will finally end. The other part of me wants to do better for myself and the people around me who want me around for a long time. It's really shitty of me that I don't care more at least for them. It's hard not to think sometimes that they'd be better off even if they don't think so. My partner told me today that they'd be angry with themselves for not doing more to help me. That had an effect on me big time and I got emotional. I keep hoping that there will be a point where I'll see in myself whatever it is that they see. They can tell me and logically I understand the words, but it doesn't always hit home emotionally. It's like I'm just waiting for them to find out the truth or tire of the way I am. I'd like to hope that maybe one day I'll care as much about myself as they do.

Regardless of how I feel, I'm moving forward with the appointments. I really should have been more mindful of my stress all this time. Even without this, I'd had way too much going on for way too long that would make anyone sick in some way or another. Maybe this is why I've been so tired and not feeling like myself lately. I'm making progress though.

I don't know how much I want to write here anymore. I don't know if it helps or just takes my focus away from other things.