Need to put burden off my shoulders. I AM TIRED (Raw writing)

My childhood couldn't get unconditional love, Idk why. My parents haven't considered me less than a son ever. But I don't understand where was that love.i remember my childhood as constant comparison with my brother and a cousin. Both were extroverts, slim, and good in academics. Whereas I needed constant improvements. They were primary love maybe because they were first born and I was the 2nd. Maybe. But how come a child could've understand that. I couldn't think of anything I was appreciated for that I do great besides academics. Uspe bhi I was famous for being a bookworm. I have always been in so much of complex of my heavy butt. This never made me confident in my body to date.

My life at a very young age turned into a fake scenario. I remember playing roles that I'm adopted or I'm orphan being mistreated. Behind the closed doors I was a person everyone loved and was inspired of. I was the centre of attention that I couldn't ever be in friends or family.

I felt like I was living a true life behind the closed door and doing a formality of living this life. Actually important things started to lose their importance. My focus turning into pretending and acting to be perfect and forgetting the fact that life will require effort and hardwork to do all those things. I lost so much that to date Idk myself. I got into addictions becz I always wanted to escape. I turned thick skinned, pretending nothing matters for me life was in loneliness where I was in control. I lost my childhood in pretending to be an adult. In being mature, in trying my best not to the subject of laughter for others. I turned to damn serious. I couldn't fit in. But I was ultimately a good/serious kid for the family. Never made true and honest friends. Reason is probably myself. I was never truly honest with them. I always thought they would leave me if they came to know my truth.

Doing all the things that make my parents think I'm the best child to seek validation and approval. When things seemed good on that end but behind the door I just ruined myself. To get myself love, validation, care, friends and pleasure. Nothing ever lasted.

Idk how, but in all of this mess I was alone, I was young. I started talking to Allah. I had no one to share anything literally no one. I felt He is the only one who could listen me. Some of childish prayers of getting books, good grades were granted, I felt like He is my only best friend. And then the guilt of doing sin started building up. I never had self confidence, I was faked it. But the guilt started turned into a battle and self hate. I'm still fighting this battle. I lose everyday.

As I grew up, I started realising the importance of things that were not in routine. I struggled doing things consciously. I operate in an auto pilot mode. I can push myself to do anything coz I have never pushed myself to make any routine or habbit ever.

I want to do and be so much in life, all that requires is hard work and consistency and making myself uncomfortable. Yet I'm unable to do so I feel physically drained all the time.

I lack true friendship, the ones that know everything about me but still love me. Past couple of years have been financially tough for my family and still are. I am not as stable as my friends are. And I always think k our friendship would end if they get to know my financial status. My rishta process is on and there is only one thing in my mind. All potential families will say no when they will see our small house although nothing as such happened yet.

Over time my numbing strategies have changed. I sleep for 12-13 hours, I'm a crazy foodie, and work for 9-10 hours. Drain myself so much that I just go back to sleep. Namaz, book reading, even netflix seems a huslte because I dont want to use my brain at all.

I know reflection and journaling is important. I have done alot and need alot of it more. But everyday I feel so tired to make any effort or do anything. Even the important task e.g showering seems really hard, I mean actual cleaning. Going and simply standing in shower and making fake scenarios is still something I enjoy. Due to a habbit of creating fake scenarios, I fail to take actions in real world to achieve my goal. E.g weight loss. I have thick thigh because of which i have never loved my self or confident yet I never took action to loose my weight. I choose easy way to wearing loose clothing to hide my curves. I choose easy over right and that's being a huge conflict in my head all the time.

I know alot of things require my action. To build up my life I need to hustle but doing anything for my sake is so tough. I can be all out and about for the people around me my family and friends. I ensure to be a person they can depend on and I always deliver (because validation, approval, acknowledgement has been most important to me) I can take actions for myself. I'm used to of faking but it. But with time this inner clash is getting high and high. Where I want to take actions but I fail always because I'm so used to of ease and numbing myself.

I'm unable to form honest relations and friends because of my lack of self love and esteem. I feel if they get to know the flawed me or my financial status they'd leave me. It's so scary to lose friends even if they are just superficial. I can't take risks annd make new friends. This loneliness is killing me.