New beginning
Hello everyone,
I am new here, I would like to ask you to kindly help me if you can.
I am 38, single and childless. I realized only 2 weeks ago that I have been denying my family abuse (emotional abuse), I have rationalised, justified, made excuses, been blind and I have been reenacting my family patterns these past couple of years. So I have been thunderstruck 2 weeks ago by these waves of realizations and I am overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotions. Obviously I have some issues and I would like to know if any of you can provide me with some advice regarding the following:
- how they overcame their anger? Has any of you managed to cleanse their emotions from resentment?
- I sometimes feel dead from the inside, I am not in touch with my positive emotions. And I feel like I have lost my sense of empathy, as if I can't relate to others because I am stuck in my negative emotions, which makes me self- centered
- I always feel down, not motivated, I procrastinate a lot in my work (which is strikingly stupid since I am self-employed) and I have no idea how to manage my time. I would love to create a daily routine to which I could stick, and possibly enjoy in order to create a balanced life.
Are you willing to share your suggestions and be my support in implementing these changes. I need to do this, but I don't know where to start and I have no one to help me figure this out.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your time. I wish you all well.
Hey @funnySquare713, welcome to 7 Cups!
I'm sorry to hear that you experienced emotional abuse. :( It is amazing that you've had these revelations, although I'm sure it's been difficult at the same time. They are the first step to being able to move forward after what happened and also minimise its subconscious effects it may have on you and your relationships. During this process, you will experience many emotions, such as anger and sadness about what happened - that's totally normal and okay.
I feel like you're at a stage where working with a therapist may be most beneficial, as therapists are aware of relationship patterns and the subconscious effects of abuse on someone. As volunteers here, we can't give you advice or implement your next steps which I feel is what you're asking and it seems you're very aware of where the issues lie and how to work on them (which is great!). A therapist can help you implement changes, they can set goals and work with you to make a change in your life, that I feel is out of the reach of volunteers here. :\
Please don't get the impression that I am telling you to not speak to us listeners or that I'm simply pushing you to a therapist without considering other options (I very rarely refer people to a therapist unless I feel like they may benefit from it), by all means contact a listener for emotional support, we would love to help and support you through the emotional phases you are experiencing. But if you're wishing for more definitive and directed advice of what to do, seeing a therapist could provide better answers. :)
We have online therapists here at 7 Cups, though there is a monthly fee of, I believe, $120. If you consider it, I recommend reading the T&Cs and fine print. Depending on where you live though, you may be able to see a counseller or therapist for free or less. I think it's something to consider but if you really despise the idea of seeing a therapist, then that's fine too. We are all here to help and support you! ♥
@SilentSerenityy
Hello and thank you for your reply.
I already started a therapy as soon as I realized what happened. I also think that is the first step to take.
I am working with her on rewiring my thoughts and cleanse my emotions. I am well aware this is a deep process and that it will take some time to feel better.
The thing is I also start to do, what every balanced human being should be able to do. Such as creating tasks and routines. Most of the time I only want to stay in my bed, without having to do anything or think of anything. I want to start something if only to help me get my self together. I know I should be doing this or that, but I feel frozen. The feelings I am working on them with my therapist, the actions to take: I would have asked my family or friends to help me, but I can't. And this is why I connected here. I am asking community members as I would have asked my friends and family if I weren't labelled
So, no I am not asking that you guys do the work of my therapist or myself, I only wanted to know how/what you do? Your inputs will help me picture and shape what I would like to do and figure out how to do it,
Again, thank you for your time, for your reply and for your concern
@funnySquare713
I understand now, thanks for explaining. I am glad that you're already talking to a therapist - it can be very enlightening.
- how they overcame their anger? Has any of you managed to cleanse their emotions from resentment?
As someone with an emotionally abusive father, I do get instances of intense anger if he does something again. In general, I'm not an angry person and very few things, if anything, cause me great anger. I don't think you can rid yourself of the anger - it will always be there to some degree and I think that's perfectly normal in response to what happened. How you identify this anger and manage it is the most important thing to do, imo. Trying to deny that anger, to ignore it or view it as a negative thing could lead to further distress. Anger is one of many human emotions and it's okay to feel that way.
- I sometimes feel dead from the inside, I am not in touch with my positive emotions. And I feel like I have lost my sense of empathy, as if I can't relate to others because I am stuck in my negative emotions, which makes me self- centered
Feeling dead inside and like you can't relate to others could be the way your brain protects itself from stress and trauma. It's disconnecting from the things around you, like a little protection bubble to protect you from further pain. I don't think it makes you self-centred to feel this way. If anything, everyone is selfish and thinking of themselves all the time! Realising that you're experiencing this disconnection isn't self-centred, you're simply noticing a change and looking out for yourself. :)
- I always feel down, not motivated, I procrastinate a lot in my work (which is strikingly stupid since I am self-employed) and I have no idea how to manage my time. I would love to create a daily routine to which I could stick, and possibly enjoy in order to create a balanced life.
If you've recently experienced this flood of emotion and these revelations, it can really floor you and put a halt to your life. Your brain is busy working out how to manage all of this new information, it can't concentrate on other things such as your work life. Again, that's okay and I think that's all part of the process of accepting what happened in the past. I think continuing your therapy and learning to accept the emotions as normal in response to what happened, will eventually lead you to a place where you can get back on top of your work and life, with a more positive outlook.
You seem very self aware and have a good amount of volition to want to feel better and overcome this hard time. I think, with your mentality, you can get through this. :) Good luck! ♥
@SilentSerenityy
Thank you again for your reply and for your time. I really appreciate.
I don't quite know how this works, can we stay in touch? I would love to share my struggle, my thoughts, my recovery and my progress (and sometimes my relapses maybe) with someone who has been walking in this path and who won't judge me when I fail, who won't label me weak, when I break down,
@funnySquare713
You're welcome. :) You can always send me a message here if you would like. I come on here at random times though so I can't always guarantee a quick response.