New to 7 cups. My story.
I am not sure where to begin. This isnt something I talk about, all I can say is that I am the most put together mess you can hope to find. 23 years later and my life looks amazing from the outside looking in. Everyone that sees me thinks Im this happy, beautiful, vibrant and successful person. What they dont see is my inability to connect with another human being. Not for lack of trying. I just cant bring myself to trust anyone ever again.
I was 15 years old when I was drugged, abducted and raped by an older friend of my sisters. There. I said it. I havent said it in 23 years. Im not sure if this counts. Maybe no one even reads this. My sister was the only one who knew after it had happened and she sold me down the river. I was to afraid of my Dad to tell him. And my mom could be described as apathetic at best when it came to raising us. He got away with it. More than that. I spent the last two years of my high school career being bullied by his girlfriends friends for being a whore. My sister had done me the courtesy of telling everyone that I was looking for attention and only crying rape. So aside from the physical scars from where he cut me, I have a failed marriage, a beautiful daughter who is the only reason I am still around and a complete, apparent, inability to allow anyone to get close to me in my life. Im going onto my 8th year of being single and alone. The only relationship between then and now my marriage.
@scarletBike2900
hugs scarlet you are not alone. I'm a SA survivor as well and believe me when I say I know what you've gone through. My case is a little different in a sense that this was my moms cousin who molested and THEN raped me when o was 10 yrs old. When my mom found out and asked me about it I was SO relieved bc I thought yes this bastard is going to jail right? Way wrong. My mom never told anyone not even my dad and all she did was threaten to deport him. And on top of that bc he still lived with his mom she'd take me to go visit her aunt and every time I had to use the restroom he'd corner me and try to do it again. It stopped when I got my period thank God. But after that I couldn't trust anyone to the point I never had any bf and when I did they'd break up with me bc I would barely let them hold my hand. I was drinking too much by 12 smoking and fighting by 13 and sneaking out by 15. Then I met my husband, coincidentally the day I was gonna off myself. He asked to be just my friend and we did become friends. It took him a yr to get me to say yes to be his gf and another yr for our first kiss. When I finally told him he almost cried with me and swore to protect me. He has been my knight in shining armor since then. It was not easy for me but he said something to me that changed the way I viewed what happened to me and how I saw myself. He said and I quote " You went through something no human should ever go through in their life and I know it was painful and it still hurts. You survived and now YOU have the power to decide whether you want to view yourself as a victim or a survivor. YOU have the ability to take that power away from the person who hurt you by saying yes this happened yes this hurt and it was horrid BUT NO it will not define who I am or what I become bc I am a survivor and I am stronger than my perpetrator and I will not let him ruin the rest of my life. "
Kid you not I stopped loathing myself after he said this to me. You are not alone but don't let your past foreshadow your present and your future hun. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. YOU ARE STRONG YOU ARE WORTHY
@LPyMP Thank you for sharing your experience, my husband never knew what happened to me. I became very good at pretending to be happy and perfect all the time whilst dying on the inside. Pretty sure thats what killed our marriage in the end. The issue for me is I have spent my whole life having to be strong and perfect and independent that I just dont let anyone in. I am lonely. I love the idea of coming home to someone and sharing my life. I have met amazing guys that care about me and I want to let them in.... I just dont. I just dont know how to do it. I sabotage it, avoid them, switch off, dive into my work - which I love by the way - the hiding behind my work is really easy for me. I put up such an independent, strong, driven and happy picture of my life that no one actually knows, no one has a clue that I cry myself to sleep most nights, wishing I wasnt alone and wishing I could be a better mother to my daughter and show her what a healthy stable, relationship looks like. Im tired of being congratulated on how successful I am when I go to bed feeling like a failure. I dont know how to stop sabotaging myself.
@scarletBike2900
start by forgiving yourself for all that negativity inside. And if and when you are ready forgive not for the perpetrator but for yourself. I cannot begin to describe the freedom I felt once I forgave my attacker I felt free. Reborn. And no i didn't say it to his face or communicate it to him. I just decided it was time to let go and when I did. I became stronger. But this just recently happened. I definitely did not forgive immediately. Nope. I know it will be scary but nothing worth having and keeping comes without risk.