Not sure where to start
Hello I am new here and I am hoping you all can help me or at least comfort me.
I am 25 years old, married and have a 3 year old beautiful boy and soon we are welcoming a baby girl. For the most part I am a very happy loving person but sometimes I have set backs and instead of talking about my past I just chose to ignore it but it bothers me for days at a time.
Recently I just finished watching the popular Netflix series...13 Reasons Why. Which brought back some bad memories from school and my personal life. I am not saying this show is awful I think it was a beautiful tragic story on how a beautiful girl kills her self and how it happened. And I think it's important to know what is going in someone's life instead of sweeping it under the rug. Anyway when I was 12 I started being molested by a family friend and it didn't stop until I was 15. Back then I thought I was so cool because I was having sex...but looking back it wasn't just that I was being brainwashed and confusing love with sex and boys who just wanted to sleep with me and torture me. I was so messed up as a teenager and didn't even know it :( until my friend name Matt wanted to date me. We did date but he had never had a gf before...so we awkwardly dated. Don't get me wrong it was so nice having someone like that care about me. But there I was just waiting for someone to just have there way with me. So I broke up with him because well he didn't want me for sex. I feel so bad now because I was so mean to him :(
@carefulCircle6013
You've pretty neatly summed up the chaos and confusion that being treated this way at a young age creates. It's really no surprise you struggled with your relationships, when you had the confusion being created by this family friend. You say you feel terrible at the way you behaved towards someone who was kind and genuinely interested in you. But you were in a difficult place yourself, and that created your response at that time. Try not to feel guilty about that. It's easy to look back as an adult and question how situations arose and the part you played in them. But you mention being used for sex and tortured? That does not sound like a healthy, consenting relationship. And at age 12 you were just a child, way below the age of consent. You don't say how old the family friend was, but his actions sound very abusive. Please try not to blame yourself for an abusers actions.
@DeborahUK
he was a munipulative and I believed ever word he said...he made me think it was all okay what he was doing to me at the time...looking back I wish I would have just ran away from him I hate thinking about it now
@carefulCircle6013
You sound to have got it in perspective there, that he manipulated you. But it still bothers you?
You said previously it's not something you've spoken about. What do you think would be helpful for you, to stop the past haunting you in this way?
@DeborahUK
im not exactly sure what would. I rarely think about it but when something triggers it I last this way for a few days...I'm not sure if talking to my husband would help or what.
@carefulCircle6013 Sounds like the show reminded you of some hard times. And I'm so sorry you went through that at such a young age. Have you ever worked through the abuse? As for the boy you dated- we all have things we regret. I know its weighing on you because if you were older and wiser like you are now you wouldn't repeat the way you acted. But you were young and already hurting and we make different decisions in that situation. We can't change the past but we can work on forgiving ourselves.
@AnnaKateMillerLCSW
thank you for your words that helps me with this. And no I never went to counseling or talked to anyone about my abuse...I just learned to move on from it sadly. Music helps me a lot but never talked about it to anyone...it just pops up in my mind suddenly some times and it'll last a few days. I just didn't know what else to do :/ but talking to you all here helps out
