Part of My Story hopefully the past
Hi um I'm guess I'm doing this.
My name's Witty and this is part of my story .
I was physically, and emotionally abused, as well as verbally sexually harassed off and on until the age of 16 to 17, by my father.
I get some may read that and think ew that's awful he's your father and understandably others may think, well why add that he didn't rape you.
That's true. To my knowledge he did not rape or molest me. My fear of him doing those things to me was just another fear tactic he used to control me. But it still had a pretty painful impact on everytjing.
Also I am not going to tell details though I was sexually assaulted by a woman old enough to be my mother when I was 14 years old.
These things just are what they are to me.
I'm finally able to say what they are now. I finally fully understand what happened was wrong and not my fault.
I also was bullied a couple years ago by someone I thought was my friend who it turned out went anonymously online and convinced me my other friend killed herself. I thought it was my fault. The person also joked about me being raped, said just a lot of horrible things and made it seem like i was the cause for my friends suicide.
I didn't tell anyone besides my true best friend, my sister (she also has been through so much but that is her story) for the longest time.
I never told people a lot of things out of fear or shame.
I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost the past 8 years. I started at a really young age even for girls. It went from random bouts of personal week long hunger strikes to schedules for months to forgetting about it then doing it all again to counting calories and trying to get rid of all of them, for awhile I was convinced if I reach 100 pounds I would need to kill myself because that was too much.
I didn't kill myself, luckily, and it's been a few years since but I still struggle off and on ever since. I obsessively think about what I look like to the point I would hold my breathe the entire school it made my lungs weak. I need to be skinny lying in bed as well luckily that's died down recently.
I've developed shaking I've had halucinations I even got a mouth disease in the past 4 ish years due to not eating.
This all relates to the OCD I developed to cope with my difficult situation. I think I had this habit since I was maybe even 5 years old as there are pictures of me doing it.
I have dermotillomania which is where your OCD causes you to harm yourself by peaking picking or ripping your own skin off.
I've done it all my life when I'm anxious even if I don't realize it. I hate it so much. I wish every day I could stop. Sometimes I do but it doesn't last.
I also have a physical what some may call "deformity"but I don't think it's that that I'm not going to talk much about. But that entire story is just so sad and exhausting for so many reasons.
If anyone saw my DES experimentation post there's that. Yes on top of everything my maternal family was unknowingly experimented on. In the US. It's ughhh.
It's hard to know you can't do things most everyone else can at a young age. Especially when those things are what define a woman's worth as.
Um what else
I'm really bad at romantic relationships. Until recently I had been in and out of 1 with different ppl for the past 4 ish years. Just straight through constantly I needed to be with someone. And a lot of it wasn't even official dating just thinking I was in love and ppl thinking they were in love with me.
I can't remember really being kind to myself until 2017. I'm sure I was but it took me until that long to wake up and be like I am so cruel to myself.
Because I didn't respect and love myself fully I would cling to people, even if they abused me, because once they loved me I was "enough"
None of those people assaulted me though.
I'm probably forgetting something I mean I wasn't really bullied by anyone else besides that one person and some would say my family.
My sister's did what they saw which was to be physically and emotionally abusive. We had some wild times. Just young girls beating each other up.
I love them and I love my mother so much. But there were times were she was very cruel emotionally as well. She was so brainwashed by my father her mind just kinda broke...
I mean and there was her being pretty cruel to me about the sexual assault/ my body. The only person who really believed me and respected me about it was my sister. But I was alone for almost 4 years with that secret. And it was a really multifaceted thing.
And afterwards she would cry and apologize even if it took years she always felt bad. She's not a mean person. Mother's are in such an impossible place in these positions. She sacrificed so much.
I have forgiven her for all of it because I understand. And she couldn't fully love us and mother us until she stopped being cruel to herself. I get that.
Um but on the positive
I've "always been a kind person" which I'm happy about. I think I am because I learned at such a young age what it felt like to be treated badly and I never wanted anyone to feel that.
The church has always been a sanctuary for me. I knew he or none of them could hurt us when we are in God's house. I love the women pastors who work there and to see strong women who I know God loves and respects.
My mother and her family's story is their story. But I still get very sad and angry from time to time that they were mistreated for so long just because they were different. Most of them were good, kind people.
Also so y'all know. Dark curly kinky whatever hair is BEAUTIFUL don't feel like you have to hide that. It stayed with us because it is beautiful even if we are not living in a hot place anymore. It's not unattractive. It's not unfeminine it's not dirty.
Mixture makes the most beautiful everything. Paint, people . No one is superior to another.
I know what it's like to be treated like you're nothing.
But I don't believe that. I know the truth of love.
Oh my dog. Oh buddy. I loved him he was like a little brother and my father abused him too and I haaaaate him for that.
Oh land well I've seen a lot of nature be destroyed in my day and it makes me very angry because like a) nature is my friend b) animals and plants need that space c)nature has given me so much it's always been there with us
It physically and emotionally hurt like I stayed till the very end sometimes and I guess it's hard sometimes if you don't feel the connection. But I saw it all go and I cried and cried and I could see i could feel the hurt.
But despite allll of that. On the outside I look fine. I look like a pretty skinny girl with friends and I go to a good school. I try to use that position to spread awareness and understanding.
Oh I was bullied by these few girls because this guy liked me. That was awful they were so unbelievably shallow like wtf is wrong with you. But it's over now. And I pity them.
Well. There it is.
Another week another almost suicide attempt
I'm stable now
It was such a good fun day until the migraine and everything went down hill from there
I just couldn't take the pain anymore physically and emotionally
I'm doing okayish now. I didn't realize how chaotic this month has been wow.
I thought a bit abt what happened I think it was the closest attempt I've ever had. A lot happened that day. So much physical and emotional pain I broke open again like it felt like my head was splitting open from all the stress. I only felt that way 1 other time, when I was assaulted. I don't wish that pain on anyone.
Things ofc haven't gotten much better with my father. He's still ironic and infuriates me, ignoring how he made my mom's life a living hell as well as his kids
I'm just so tired of lying and worrying and walking on eggshells and planning everything as to survive
But like always my loved ones get me thro. They mean more than the world to me. I don't know what made me stop. A bit of myself I think and love for them but also. Idk what. I was completely out of it I was sobbing, speaking incoherently to no one, shaking violently but I just didn't take that last pill.
I prob did some damage to my stomach with the amount I took which is ironic bc my stomach is like the center of my ever present weight stress. Also where I let myself breathe which is a whole thing where I can't have kids etc
Anyhow. Idk. And I've been mostly fine every other day. I get on, I laugh I smile. I honestly forget what happen like I'm use to it.
None of this is probably helping me convince you I'm ok. But I am as much as I can be. I'm drinking water and eating and hygienic and I don't have that urge rn and I even can concentrate long enough to do AP homework and stress abt college
I do and don't want to go back to school but thankfully it's my last year in that pit of despair lol.
I have good friends to look forward to. People like me which in any way scares the crap out of me. Like seriously obsessive sleepless worries of what why how they can't LIKE me no this will not be ok inevitable DOOM
So that's where I'm at.
Also I think abt r past dog a lot.
I'm learning more and more how much our mom gave up for us like ohmygod
Money is and always has been a worry for me but now it's like serious stress bc idk what we are gonna do
It's just so annoying to me that in places like school I look so put together and pretty and on top of it blah blah but like I am perpetually dying inside. I don't exactly know why it bothers me so much, I beat myself up abt being beautiful 24/7
Just like I don't wanna be here. I only go to school bc i have to but if I didn't I would be openly worrying and working to try to find us a place
There's just so much that I can't tell anyone like I promise we have worked so hard but from the outside it looks like we don't bc we can't talk abt what we ran away from
Some positive things are tho that some people get it. 7cups people, of course but also my friends and even adults thro school and worhsip that I can call my mentors and friends. I really appreciate the adults understanding.
Also my mom and I just understand each other more every day which helps us be closer
September update:
I'm ok mostly stable
So it's Suicide Awareness month? I think.
I had a lot of suicide attempts or just thoughts in August like I guess the most I've ever had in such a short period
So it's good that I'm relatively ok now. Of course more things happened they always do but I honestly don't even remember I've been kinda out of it just trying to get through last year of school
And I'm doing well like grades are good friends good family is.. complicated of course and idk what's gonna happen to us but all I can say is I've learned to look at them in different ways I guess that's all I can do and hope the best for all of us
At the start of summer I was underweight and it looks like I gained 2-4 pounds which I know logically that's good but of course that still makes me nervous and want to stop eating again
Moneys still a huge worry
But some more good stuff happened like I got to see some friends that I thought I would never get to see again. Both of them are a big part of my life and I'm so glad that they are doing ok!
I'm just so glad it's September. Things are gonna happen. But at least I made it here
@wittySpruce8187
Oh also I've been laying in bed due to illness today s I had a lot of time to think and I realized some stuff
So I judge myself a lot, all the time. I'm always trying to erase my past self from last year, last month bc I was so ugly, I was so trusting, I was so this or that blah blah
But I really wasnt. Seeing myself as pretty or beautiful is 1 whole difficult thing but
Friends and like my sister or mom or mentors telling me I've always been good, ive always been kind, or a good friend, or strong or smart or even pretty
That's so great and I cry out of appreciation for the times I've been told that.
But it's another thing to think it for myself because I know what I'm "really like" I've seen it all
But I realized when I was thinking about the relationship I had with a persom many months ago
I wasn't stupid. I wasn't weak. I wasn't trying to hate myself or let someone abuse me. And I knew that he reminded me of other abusers.
And I didn't. Bc I didn't let him win. I didn't let him change me.
See i thought I could take him. Yes I loved the good parts of him and I let those and my need for love and distraction from my life persuade me to put up with his disrespect for way too long
I thought well it wasn't ideal but we were both really smart and I was tired so what the heck..and I did care about him a lot and I still care about my family and our freedom a lot..I thought there was a way for both maybe. After a point where I gave up on his character all together I had a plan to stick it out if it could help my family and me. But I didn't do it.
But ok by the end. The very end and this was a guy I loved more than any man in my life. The first person I thought loved me as much as I loved them in that way
The last time we talked yea it hurt a lot. Like I was numb for weeks
But I was kind to the very end. I was honest and I never tried to hurt him or play games with him (which he does bc i think that may be all he knows to do)
I was myself. I could have used him honestly and I would not blame me. Our lives have been hell. He had the resources to get us out of it if I had stayed with him longer, put up with him using me. But I didn't give him that.
I chose to tell the good parts of him and all of him hey. This is what this is. I care about you, you need help. I know what this was. I even thanked him for the few good things he gave me (he doesn't understand the lessons his crappiness gave me)
I never used him. I never became like him. No matter how he treated me or how difficult my life was and is apart from that.
I was just kind until the end. He didn't take that from me.
So I wasn't as bad as I thought I was.
None of that probably makes sense to anybody but I'm proud of me.
November Update 🍁🕯💜
hey all
I'm alive I'm doing well from the outside on the inside im..still stressed and worried and not good
But some things happened
Had an actual productive drs appointment..where I talked about my past, and the truth about my mental health and physical and diet and menstrual and even sexual
I actually felt better after talking with her
I've just never done all that
Also, sent all my college applications and transcripts and everything so just waiting to see where I got in!!
I really want to know, school is not my favourite thing rn
Quit a really crappy job
Found out who my better friends are
My sister's just..mean still and wow it's hard to say that but it's true she's just..Yea
Look good each day at least I do that
Dk if my eyes/skin appreciate it
Tried to smoke again kind of, hardly, didn't work (it's legal)
Tried to cheat first time on a quiz, didn't work (chickened out) (still failed)
Took care of a child for awhile and was good at it
I think about how I am going to have a family in the future a lot bc I made the mistake of taking a class on it..Not the most fun for someone who physically can't have kids, has sexual trauma and an abusive family....so that's that
I know I want to adopt one day.
the synagogue shooting happened so that didn't make us happy to say the least
Prayed a lot for my mom's family Christian and Jewish to be at peace disclaimer: none of my family where in the shooting that I know of!
It just brought up a lot of emotions and memories and sadness
I get a lot of migraines same time as my cramps still
Today I took the lead on this academic thing that's just...incredibly time consuming and hard and you have to be and do everything for like 5 months...
Should prob figure out where I'm voting next week
I signed up to be a product tester? Bc I'm bored and I hoped they would pay me
Makes as much sense as rookie modeling gigs
Hmm reflections
Well, October was fun sometimes. I love the spooky season. Worked a lot, partied a bit it's fall here so that makes the days more interesting
Thing with my parents still hasn't happened still dk how we are going to be or survive or adjust or anything
I wrote a lot of drafts for essays that were asking like "who are you what have you overcame" and I remember writing
I didn't know who I was if I wasn't skinny.
I didn't, not I don't. So that's progress
Things have been weird on the domestic front, my father is an odd man despite everything I have had empathy for him
I guess I stopped disowning my older sister for defending him and blaming my mom all this time, she just wants his approval and i ve known is broken
Still don't know what I want to do for a career but I think I know what majors/minors
I suppose I should admit what I've realized through this time
-ya the past me yesterday last year wasn't always this awful gross person I have been not just beautiful but strong and kind
-i know I love people basically too much. It's an actual problem. A really good friend talked with me about it
- I've never been able to rely on anyone. Kind of raised myself. Been on my own emotionally academically motivationally pretty much ever. I love my mom and sister but they are not exactly very responsible. Same with some friends
Trust I give to few that I hope are worth it.
He was not worth it. But I know I had to love him to realize what I did. He is still immature and only knows how to play games and doesn't get it. Similar to my father.
But I no longer hate him. Mostly I don't even think about him. Except when I have to see him which is hard bc like I've said he has good parts. It's a sad situation for both of us. I hope he's ok...or just not in pain which is again similar to my father I hate making ppl feel bad even if they've treated me bad, bc they are people
So yea it's November 2018
I really love the line "fight with love" from the Haunting of Hill House bc i feel like it's such my life
Everything was always a fight, physical or verbal or internal but the strength of love.
Hopefully it will get us through this
I am so stressed and tired and I wish it was December already a week can be so long
Gonna try to keep this vague
HahahH ok guess who doesn't have a full -project- binder and no statements or arguments written and a team of precious -younger people- to lead and asked them to meet where I used to work....and now I can't even go
And my neck and arm freaking hurt
I ate 4 brownies for breakfast
Where the freak is - my sister-
And it looks like - my older sisters who stayed in my room this week- used my freaking hand towel to clean up their freaking pet poop then left it there
What.
And mom's being so nice even tho i was mean to her last night but in my defense she still doesn't freaking get it's rude to play sounds that sound like a girl being -hurt- super loud at 10 at night when I'm trying to get our money worked out so we can leave this crap hole
The freaking car situation
I'm not gonna take mom's ability to get medical help away
And I shouldn't be at the end of my rope I'm use to it I'm always stressed hjaksj kskzkfjcjdhxkdkfodifudjdjxj
Ok they were gracious and understanding and we r gonna try to meet later still same place tho...
You know I love a challenge but Idk how I'm gonna make my arguments without -a certain persons thing statement-
The Wi-Fi hasn't been working my computer dead so can't write anything anyways
Ahhh
We have 2 cars you would think my sister would..nope
I had a minor panic attack last night bc I've been trying to balance the 3 of ours budget for when my sister and I go university and my mom lives..somewhere
A lofty goal anyways I thought we couldn't make it but maybe we can
The thing with my mom yea so she wasn't very helpful when I was assaulted she was the opposite of helpful she didn't stop it and then preceded to blame me and mock me for it for years
We are at a better place now and after everything she's been through too you would think she would understand what someone being hurt like that sounds like and not to blare it super loud at night
Idk if she does and just can't care anymore. Idk but it's just like dang you seriously wtf
I can't wait to leave here
HahahahshahHGw forgot I have a phone meeting interview thing right before the other meeting
I'm so mad at certain ppl just for not trying
Yes lifeisnt fun and things are difficult so what you keep trying or at least try to try and if you really can't try anymore it's bc you're done it so much
Ushdnskdkfjsjdk
I'm a "high achieving" individual sure but it's not even that
I just have to be bc who else is gonna do it for us no one
So f that
I'm going to double major and get us out of this crap hole and have a good time at the same time even if we have no money and I go completely blind and there's no one, that didn't stop me before
Hahahah I thought the pain was bad now
Even then I had medicine and my sister and resources when I did
I knew something would slip through the cracks
I was spd to write this thing for my friend for a thing She was so nice and I forgot to do it
So many people
It's December so
3 weeks to freedom or actual horrible doom
Okay so things haven't exactly been ok
Something happened recently that I'm pretty sure was the scariest hours of my life. I've been in a decent amount of painful, dangerous, or near death,for my loved ones or me situations
But everything just cracked.
Maybe it brought my family together for once which is such unfortunate timing
My sister was in a situation where she could have died or in my opinion worse-be raped, andor sold into trafficking
She's safe now but. What happened after we basically rescued her was also the scariest time of ever bc she said some things and idk
I've never seen something so unfair in life as what she has to go through, everything is painful for her. She's very sick in the head and it's sucked all the life out of her for as long as I can remember.
But I remember her being happy, laughing with me everything. But she can't her brain won't let her. She doesn't feel happiness she doesn't feel love. I love her more than the world and it's so cruel
She said how painful it all is and she can't take a lifetime of this. She insinuated she thinks it's better for her to die in a few years, like a plan.
I knew she was suffering but I had no idea.
And how can you say anything to that?when someone you love is in so much pain and they say they can't take it anymore, you want their pain to go away. But not like this. She can't die in a few years no.
That's not ok. She deserves a long good life and I will try the rest of mine to make hers less painless bc I love her
I've been fighting all my life but I have no idea how to fight this. But I will bc it's her and I would even fight her for her.
And I can try to make her happy and distracted and make sure she's safe and on her meds every day that's not a burden. Making her happy has never been a burden. But what if that's not enough?
I can't lose her, life would be so empty and a part of me would go with her.
And then there's my mom and I want to do everything in my power to help her too but idk how I'm an almost college student in America I can't pay for her me and my sister. Especially not come next year
And she was so scared too she honestly could have had a heart attack I rocked her to sleep. Whatever happens with my sister a mother's heart goes with her kid I don't want her to feel this pain or more either
Life's so interesting. I have an older sister and we are getting a long better now, I stopped mentally disowning her. But she confuses me so dang much. She thinks we're so similar and she tries to help by saying "you can't try to fix our familys problems/feel responsible for them I do that too but"
Tf?? When did she do that??? Did she do that when she betrayed my mother or when she helped my father be more of an abusive sad sack , when she blamed my mother for years for being an abuse victim, when she told us the abuse didn't happen to us, when she pacified my father being a tyrannical 5 year old while her sisters that she loves so much were being terrorized by him at home and she felt bad for him?
Was she doing everything she could for her family when my mom freaking had cancer and she still was horrible to her, but when my father has physical anxiety symptoms from the stress he caused, she feels the need to stop time and space bc "he's sick"
Bc from all I've known her is she loves but what she does will always be for herself and the family she thinks she can have in a man who she can't accept is just not a father.
I may love him as a person but I don't hate myself enough to give him that title
How can you completely turn your back on half of your family, my mom our relatives everyone, and treat them like crap when they have done nothing but gave to you, and tell me you care so much about our family? You didn't seem to care for my mom or us when we asked you for help, for our maternal family that weren't born rich like our father, when you disgraced them and mock them for being poorer than you
I swear to God my older sister. Oh boo hoo poor you our mom-who was going through some inhuman crap at the time- said one time that she felt like she needed to leave with me and my sister bc we were freaking babies but you were old enough to be okay with that father-you love so much-
Boo hoo she said one scarring thing to. She didn't even freaking leave! And that's the thing that scarred you for life & you've never forgiven her for!?
Do you know how many times she left or he left while we were growing up? Do you know the times she literally told me it was my fault if she left us. Do you even know what it's like to fight with her and still love her? You don't
Oh poor you she said one bad thing one time. She accidentally let me be raped. She then didn't believe me and blamed me sometimes mocked me for being raped for years. Because she felt guilty.
I'm not saying it's ok. But I still love her bc I have a heart that's not selfish enough to consider her point of view. I'm not selfish enough to blind myself to how much she loves us, how much of her life she sacrificed for us and how much she suffered just so we could have a better chance at life. Do you not even know usually how kind your mother is? When she doesn't feel guilty or cornered-where yea she is immature- She is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet
And she freaking loves you, older sister even though you were so cruel to her.
You clearly don't know our mother and that makes me sad. None of us really know our father.
Our mom has been through hell for us, protected us, nursed us, loved us, and weeps for the pain she caused us when she hurt us.
Our father will never weep but would laugh. Or have you forgotten that. Yes he may be kind sometimes and have good days but if you think for a second he actually thinks about what he did to us and let's himself feel ashamed, then you haven't lived with him.
Our father is a person and I want a better life for him and I love him. But he was abusive and cruel. What s more he won't let himself feel the guilt of what he did to you and that's not love.
I swear sometimes I think my older sisters giant heart and bright head are some of the most waisted resources. She's literally done the opposite of everything right and convinced herself it's right. She does good things in the world but when it comes to family. Her first family is herself.
Also, mom always came back. She will always come back. She will always try and love and feel and she's gotten a lot better.
I hope the same can be possible for our younger sister. I believe in her heart as much as God, even if it's severely blocked right now.
