Part of My Story hopefully the past

Hi um I'm guess I'm doing this.

My name's Witty and this is part of my story .

I was physically, and emotionally abused, as well as verbally sexually harassed off and on until the age of 16 to 17, by my father.

I get some may read that and think ew that's awful he's your father and understandably others may think, well why add that he didn't rape you.

That's true. To my knowledge he did not rape or molest me. My fear of him doing those things to me was just another fear tactic he used to control me. But it still had a pretty painful impact on everytjing.

Also I am not going to tell details though I was sexually assaulted by a woman old enough to be my mother when I was 14 years old.

These things just are what they are to me.

I'm finally able to say what they are now. I finally fully understand what happened was wrong and not my fault.

I also was bullied a couple years ago by someone I thought was my friend who it turned out went anonymously online and convinced me my other friend killed herself. I thought it was my fault. The person also joked about me being raped, said just a lot of horrible things and made it seem like i was the cause for my friends suicide.

I didn't tell anyone besides my true best friend, my sister (she also has been through so much but that is her story) for the longest time.

I never told people a lot of things out of fear or shame.

I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost the past 8 years. I started at a really young age even for girls. It went from random bouts of personal week long hunger strikes to schedules for months to forgetting about it then doing it all again to counting calories and trying to get rid of all of them, for awhile I was convinced if I reach 100 pounds I would need to kill myself because that was too much.

I didn't kill myself, luckily, and it's been a few years since but I still struggle off and on ever since. I obsessively think about what I look like to the point I would hold my breathe the entire school it made my lungs weak. I need to be skinny lying in bed as well luckily that's died down recently.

I've developed shaking I've had halucinations I even got a mouth disease in the past 4 ish years due to not eating.

This all relates to the OCD I developed to cope with my difficult situation. I think I had this habit since I was maybe even 5 years old as there are pictures of me doing it.

I have dermotillomania which is where your OCD causes you to harm yourself by peaking picking or ripping your own skin off.

I've done it all my life when I'm anxious even if I don't realize it. I hate it so much. I wish every day I could stop. Sometimes I do but it doesn't last.

I also have a physical what some may call "deformity"but I don't think it's that that I'm not going to talk much about. But that entire story is just so sad and exhausting for so many reasons.

If anyone saw my DES experimentation post there's that. Yes on top of everything my maternal family was unknowingly experimented on. In the US. It's ughhh.

It's hard to know you can't do things most everyone else can at a young age. Especially when those things are what define a woman's worth as.

Um what else

I'm really bad at romantic relationships. Until recently I had been in and out of 1 with different ppl for the past 4 ish years. Just straight through constantly I needed to be with someone. And a lot of it wasn't even official dating just thinking I was in love and ppl thinking they were in love with me.

I can't remember really being kind to myself until 2017. I'm sure I was but it took me until that long to wake up and be like I am so cruel to myself.

Because I didn't respect and love myself fully I would cling to people, even if they abused me, because once they loved me I was "enough"

None of those people assaulted me though.

I'm probably forgetting something I mean I wasn't really bullied by anyone else besides that one person and some would say my family.

My sister's did what they saw which was to be physically and emotionally abusive. We had some wild times. Just young girls beating each other up.

I love them and I love my mother so much. But there were times were she was very cruel emotionally as well. She was so brainwashed by my father her mind just kinda broke...

I mean and there was her being pretty cruel to me about the sexual assault/ my body. The only person who really believed me and respected me about it was my sister. But I was alone for almost 4 years with that secret. And it was a really multifaceted thing.

And afterwards she would cry and apologize even if it took years she always felt bad. She's not a mean person. Mother's are in such an impossible place in these positions. She sacrificed so much.

I have forgiven her for all of it because I understand. And she couldn't fully love us and mother us until she stopped being cruel to herself. I get that.

Um but on the positive

I've "always been a kind person" which I'm happy about. I think I am because I learned at such a young age what it felt like to be treated badly and I never wanted anyone to feel that.

The church has always been a sanctuary for me. I knew he or none of them could hurt us when we are in God's house. I love the women pastors who work there and to see strong women who I know God loves and respects.

My mother and her family's story is their story. But I still get very sad and angry from time to time that they were mistreated for so long just because they were different. Most of them were good, kind people.

Also so y'all know. Dark curly kinky whatever hair is BEAUTIFUL don't feel like you have to hide that. It stayed with us because it is beautiful even if we are not living in a hot place anymore. It's not unattractive. It's not unfeminine it's not dirty.

Mixture makes the most beautiful everything. Paint, people . No one is superior to another.

I know what it's like to be treated like you're nothing.

But I don't believe that. I know the truth of love.

Oh my dog. Oh buddy. I loved him he was like a little brother and my father abused him too and I haaaaate him for that.

Oh land well I've seen a lot of nature be destroyed in my day and it makes me very angry because like a) nature is my friend b) animals and plants need that space c)nature has given me so much it's always been there with us

It physically and emotionally hurt like I stayed till the very end sometimes and I guess it's hard sometimes if you don't feel the connection. But I saw it all go and I cried and cried and I could see i could feel the hurt.

But despite allll of that. On the outside I look fine. I look like a pretty skinny girl with friends and I go to a good school. I try to use that position to spread awareness and understanding.

Oh I was bullied by these few girls because this guy liked me. That was awful they were so unbelievably shallow like wtf is wrong with you. But it's over now. And I pity them.

Well. There it is.