Pigeon's Nest
Hello everyone, this is my first foray on here into the diary keeping thing. Kept many diaries and writings over the years on paper, digitally, and on various support sites/forums.
I am a woman dealing with getting out of an abusive marriage, overcoming agoraphobia based on shame, (social)anxiety/phobia, C-PTSD, slight disassociation, and some other things like co-dependency and just learning to be freakin' human again. My goal is to get out of this horrid marriage, finish my schooling so it's easier to find a job, start driving again, and find a job and be able to properly work without slowly going mad.
A few words before we continue:
1. There will sometimes be triggering things on here, you've been warned. My past is filled with various forms of abuse and circumstances. You will probably be triggered by something. A fair warning to the graphic nature of my abuse. I will not be writing explicit or detailed accounts, only referencing them in passing.
2. I am not okay with drugs no matter if they're recreational or not. This will not be argued. Most of the people that abused me were also using substances and used in front of me at a young age. Whether alcohol or various kinds of drugs. While alcohol is considered normal in most cultures, it still makes me pretty damn nervous and slightly triggered due to the extreme alcoholism combined with mental instability in my family. I usually avoid it if I can. I'm okay when dealing with people who've recovered or are recovering from these things, it takes a lot of strength to overcome that kinda thing. So, thank you for your efforts and willpower.
3. Sometimes this will be used for venting about my situation and trying to heal from the re-traumatization of my current situation. Other times, it will be used as a place to try to pep talk or provide motivation and inspiration for healing or processing. Beware of some attempts at art or writing. XD
4. My spirituality will also be addressed on here. I am not Christian, but I certainly don't mind prayers or anything of the sort- just as long as you're not trying to save my eternal soul or convert me we'll be alright.
5. I just wanted to put a five here. That's all.
Here's some classical music for your trouble:
Guess who walked away from prepping and cooking dinner just now.
I CANNOT function with this every single day and really need to focus on my self-help stuff even more vigorously. Just dealt with your typical narcissistic mindf***ery tonight. Was in the middle of prepping a rather large dinner that I was looking forward to, and had got ingredients for it last night when this occurred.
Him: *is about to settle down from just coming in* Let me know if you need any help.
Me: I'd like it if you helped me with breading the cutlets, actually! There's a lot to do.
Him: No. I didn't mean that. I'll just get in the way in the kitchen, I MEANT something like taking out the trash/crushing cans/etc.
Me: *getting frustrated* Oh, alright then. I guess since it's not acceptable to you I'll leave you to the things you deemed ACCEPTABLE.
Him: *cold distant silence*
I walked into the kitchen completely frustrated. He pulls this so frequently as of late. Then acts like a kicked puppy. There's this article called "The Mindf*** channel only has three stations" charm, self-pity, and rage. After standing there with my ingredients out and my cutting board ready I decided to invoke a boundary- putting my cooking stuff and ingredients away I walked out of the kitchen and decided to separate myself from him so I could just calm my ass down. "I will NOT be treated this way and be expected to cook dinner."
While I was trying to regain peace and do some journaling he proceeded to knock on the door and act in the kicked puppy style. I told him I was busy and didn't want to be bothered. So yeah, charm with the asking, self-pity for not getting his dinndinn, and probably rage if I told why.
I need my damn peace. What an insufferable person. Can't believe I lived like this for so long. I'm off to respond to posts on here and do some ACT stuff.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Oh, what bliss! How many times must that person chained to the kitchen have wanted to do that? Its the being taken for granted thing thats so very frustrating, but youve just proved thats not you.
Problem is though, youre going without too. How can you meet your needs without giving in on the principle? You say there would be rage if he knew why you downed tools. Do you feel able to have that conversation with him? Do you feel able to ask for more support? Youve referred to him in an earlier post as a soon to be ex. Is this something you plan to be open to him about, or are you just planning to distance yourself from him and hope he takes the hint?
@DeborahUK
Hey Deborah, it's been really stumbly figuring out how to place boundaries and what I CAN do with them. I stopped cooking for awhile, and now only cook infrequently as it was simply taken expected and not really appreciated. Not only that, I stopped doing his chores as well. Only if it falls in line with some other chores I'm doing. It's something I learned a few years back. That I don't have to tolerate his treatment or put up with someone being bratty and being expected to be like their mum. That I have needs, too. It's still unsettling for me having to deal with this mind game kinda stuff. Luckily my psychologist and being here has given me the tools to learn new, healthy ways of coping and asserting my humanity.
You're absolutely right, I'm going without. The way I'm meeting my needs right now is having a couple microwavable sandwiches so I don't starve myself tonight. lol But seriously, this is something I'm newly learning. How to advocate for myself while remaining safe and not simply giving in just because. At this point a normal conversation doesn't take place- it turns into something very murky and headachey. pretty much the thing outlined above is a template for conversations with this person lately. There are times when it appears some things can be spoken about, but it often turns into nothing happening. I've asked for more support and it just doesn't amount to anything. I do plan on leaving him- it's a matter of when.
Right now my PTSD, agoraphobia, and social anxiety are things I'm working through so I can be able to function out in society. Right now, I'm homebound and slowly but surely making progress to untangle these things. For instance, I'm going to university online in preparation for a career and studying up on skills I need for getting a job. I don't work and haven't for over a decade- I want to change that and finally be able to take care of myself. It's a long road. It's hard when at the same time he's trying to keep me an emotional cripple. He's caused a lot of damage already. Divorce has been mentioned before and well...it wasn't pretty. I am currently distancing myself the best I can while remaining mindful and not attaching myself to him. I've brought up marriage counseling if only to have a mediator due to how restricted things are with even speaking with him right now. However, if I had friends or family, I'd probably be with them and out of here already. I do know that when the divorce is brought up and I'm ready to go it's gonna be hell because of injured ego type stuff. Still, it's something I gotta do.
Apologies if I tend to go on. Didn't mean to barf a huge text wall at you, @DeborahUK. X_X; I do appreciate your thoughts and giving me things to think about.
So dem holidays, right? Been feelin' like I want to get a bunch done, but then I end up playing video games on my break! Blarf. I have all these things I "NEED" to do. But then forcing myself to do them doesn't yield a result. Do I really "WANT" to do them on my break? It's called a break for I reason but I feel so restless and I know I have so much to do. Like re-uping technical certifications and such. Working on my vocational skills besides on stuff related to my recovery. It's been pretty hard to focus lately, and it would seem this break for me is yet a challenge to the one I'm with.
Why is it always a competition with these types? Y'know... there was an incident the other day where I was coloring and listening to classical music to wind down. Minding my own business and chillin' with the cats. Then Puer comes in, sees what I'm doing, and immediately starts coloring in my book since I was taking a break. Going on these weird tangents about pride in your work and blahblahblah criticism. Like WTF. He kept on mumbling about how happy everyone looked in the picture he was coloring. He kept comparing his to mine and then demeaning my work ethic. SERIOUSLY.
I flat out said it was wrong to criticism and compare like that- then he on the spot rationalized some bizarre nonsensical rules. It's nuts. I think back to my parents and how they also competed with me. As a freakin' child no less! Oh wow, you're 30 something lording over a 5-year-old. Big man over here. It's pathetic. When I've looked back on things lately, I see how prominent it was. My mother competed with me for cuteness or beauty, father-intelligence, ILs-status, and all of the above, in all actuality the "all of the above/superiority" is the main constant. Relating to that false omnipotence they try to embody.
After all these years I'm trying to free myself from the shackles of projection from these people. To realize my own personal power and that their worthless projections are just that. Worthless projections. True relationships are fostered with encouragement, positivity, love, kindness. Even if it's simple. There's an integrity or purity about it. Something genuine.
I know that those people I encountered, and the ones I'm still trying to excise from my life... they live life based on a fortress of lies. Shoddily made, gleaming with thin gold plate, hastily constructed. Falling apart. Must be hard trying to conquer a person that way, and especially a small country. A fortress that's perfect, it can't be anything less, yet it's so fragile.
Let me keep my copper shrubbery, metal trees, and psychedelic-colored animals in my silly world where I laugh like a dork and be at peace. It ain't perfect, but it's mine. And it comes straight from my silly Pigeon-y heart.
Having a real hard time tonight.
Tried to bring up something, but I get so flustered that it's hard for me to state my point effectively. Not to mention the out of this world MINDF***ery going on with the other person. Tried to bring up how I didn't approve of selling this vehicle we have for an ungodly horrible deal. Not to mention this stupid person who offered it was being a total dip and rapid texting through dinner the entire damn evening. What an idiot.
So, two idiots this evening.
After I tried to say how he wasn't hearing what I was saying and kept on trying to argue with me about what he "SHOULD" be doing. Yet another tactic... He then said he was discontinuing the conversation with me because -I- would not listen. Uh huh. Then five minutes afterward... I'm crying in my room and he's sitting in silence- hear's the guy drive up and walks out, puts on his happy mask and jovially, warmly greets this guy after emotionally/verbally assaulting me.
I can't even... I just am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. Being more awake to the abuse makes it really hard, seeing how much stuff he does put me through and do to just get a reaction or simply compete. How can someone be so twisted to say that I have involvement in the finances when he blocks me from any decision making regarding these kind of things! Like...y'know! That 5K truck that he got in less than a week after seeing it. BEHIND. MY. BACK. He only mentioned it to try to twist an okay from me. I feel like hell. He's so freakin' fake. I'm struggling right now, but I see how horrible he is and that I need to just work on myself and focus on my career right now.
I
WILL
NOT
LIVE
LIKE
THIS
Hm. Well, I ended up getting marriage counseling arranged via X--- X-----. Payment and everything- not only that, my psychologist was able to speak with her about the situation.
Things were promptly arranged. Earlier I went to an appointment up north near the water, in a small but cozy office. There was a sand tray and knick knacks here and there. It was an uncomfortable session. M was putting on his good Christian boy mask pretty thick. I find it interesting how often he describes his family as
I wanted to take the time and make a post that reflects upon gratitude and some of the other thoughts swimming around in my head.
I'm really thankful to all the people I've met here and who have bravely given me their insight in a considerate manner. To the people that simply tell their story and finally unleash that burden, even somewhat. And to the people/entities who've helped me along throughout the years no matter how big or small the kindness may seem in the eyes of others. I have a lot to be thankful for.
A lot of progress has been made. Still, it continues. I don't want another seven years of this no-win situation! I don't intend to. There are times when I have to remember the amount of time I've been here. It's hard... I tend to disassociate so much. To hide and stagnate. But I think I'm finally "getting sick" of all this sedentary, draining lifestyle. I want to thrive! Not simply survive and keep hoping for better days. I want the better days, already!
It feels like there's still so much to learn. About coping, healthy boundaries, what a healthy relationship or communication style looks like... So many things. I need to be able to face my fears. To sit with them while not being overcome. In my social anxiety/phobia context- not something like a relationship. After this relationship is over, I plan on taking my time to simply explore aspects of myself and see what the world has to offer. Not to mention creating and fostering my prosperity. I miss having my own money. I look forward to creating a sizeable savings. To one day have the library I dream of. A place to call my own.
Been thinking about some other things, as well. Am I too opinionated, loud, obnoxious or something? I'm very socially awkward still. I wish my psychologist could see my IRL dealings sometimes and I could get a straight opinion on it. There's so much I don't know. I feel like I complain too much and people have said so. To be honest, I've had a really rough life and have been around constant complainers... so I wouldn't doubt the truth in that. lol On the flipside, I've had people tell me they like when I'm depressed better than when I'm happy. X_X; WTF. Those people need to f*** off. The reason why I'm thinking about such teenage things is because I want to be more socially available. It can be very hard to make friends sometimes...like I creep them out or something- get overly excited someone wants to deal with me. Kinda pathetic. Self-confidence is a long road, it seems. These insecurities and negative programs perpetuate things.
I'm going to make the most of seeking a healthier life. Actively! My turn is here, it would seem.
Well, it was a rough session. Felt like I stumbled a lot. But I finally managed to out with things even though they were all over the freakin' place. I explained how I was scared of the whole thing with the flying monkeys, the masks and manipulation, what I've observed, and the things I struggle with.
OMFG. I can't even...
Was really afraid, but dayum she is good. She's really uh, forward and open about a lot of stuff. She thinks I could really fit in up there. That people aren't the freakin' out screaming bloody murder types here that are affiliated with my spirituality. Was encouraged to do a Meetup, but I'm at a point where I can't even leave the house on my own. Man, I covered so much but it was like a clipshow episode from a series. Chopped and kinda mangled but it covered things... stupid clipshow episodes. XD
Well, here's her thoughts on this.
1. I probably won't be able to get over much while I'm the situation and the area. She said it was like my energy was "compressed", if you believe in the fruity stuff like I do. Made certain to mention I need to gain my independence, etc. Felt a little frustrated because I'm working on that, but at the same time... I dunno. This pace. I'm like a baby. Which leads to...
2. I am still essentially in that child/baby part of myself and that is how my dear Puer is getting to me. O_O; I mean, this was an eye opener, but it makes sense and I swear I've heard this before. She starkly noted how badly I disassociate while I'm around him. I can be an adult(present) self when it's just me. He literally walks into the room and I start to space. Keeping in the adult brain- pre-frontal cortex, I believe instead of being back in the emotional/empathetic/trauma center of my brain is of massive importance. In fact, I've been wondering how to get out of that funk. I fear for driving the way I am right now, and I barely can do schoolwork as it is. This is gonna take some doing. I need to feel more. Gonna start exercising more, doing more, embracing art more...
3. I need to envision my future. Where I want to be. I can visualize all I want, but I need to create it artistically and keep it around. Or I can use a color that represents it. Bright red. HOWEVER! I am going to embrace art and attempt to use ink painting to make it. I'll also write up a description on exactly how I see it.
4. So, I'm encouraged to do something that can help my independence as an assignment. She brought up surveys and freelance work, which I'm now signed up for and gonna attempt and stow some cash away in an online account. I tried writing but I take too long. Maybe once I figure out my writing groove I can try it again. I'll sign up for another place I found through Penny Hoarder if I don't qualify for anything else. I'm gonna do this.
And there it is. She was very supportive, even said that she can support me as a secondary therapist. When we called in Puer for the scheduling I noticed she was staring at me, because I could freakin' FEEL myself go into that disassociation. On the way back I tried to go into my adult mode and sustain it. My disassociation is like a flickering light in some dank old cabin somewhere. It's so bad. I'm just so glad she understood. She gave me good tips and pushes me more than my psych, but...I think I kinda need this.
Thanks for being there in spirit, @wizeakre! I came out alive and with some mozzarella sticks. XD <3
Additionally, I learned that the EMDR I was doing was actually... doing something. C_C; I know it was, I felt it. But I got a more accurate explanation. That certain chemicals were being released while the brain was processing. So this rush of chemicals happens, a release. Holy crap. I just...seriously. It's like I'm waking up and learning new stuff. A lot of people don't really give EMDR credit but now there's beginning to be more and more empirical evidence. If I do too many reputations I get this odd, drunk feeling pretty hard. I'm learning to up my tolerance so I can process more, but you also have to keep in mind your limits.
Been thinking about that session Thursday.
*sighs* I think my psych is way more mature than my secondary counselor type person. There's a lot of good that came from those sessions already. I've learned so much. However, I find myself a bit irked at the fact she tried to very stupidly convince me that making the call and getting carted off to a DV shelter is no different than me going to therapy up there. "You put on your clothes, you get ready, you go out the door.." and such things like that! It was actually pretty insulting. I have VERY mixed feelings right now.
She also said that I wouldn't be able to grow out of this situation if I stay- which I don't intend to. But this is two things. 1. Demeaning and minimizing my psych's hard work, which I AM growing and seeing results from. 2. She keeps on wanting to cart me out of this situation despite my f***ing disassociation that's really bad and HELLO agora-freakin'-phobia/social anxiety.
I just...ugh. Some people try to "help" or "fix" things like this by what I call "shoving you through a tube". It means that they're trying to apply the same circumstance and methods of getting out of the situation or coping with the situation that is pretty much a standard. Our growth and healing journeys are all VERY different. I felt like I was back at some stupid forum where they just typed in one-word sentences about people's situations. "RUN" "LEAVE" "RUN AWAY". Then when you did mention divorce or leaving they would freak out. It's like WTF people.
After thinking about it, and pondering stuff a bit more. I do like how I gained further realization about matters from her. However, I just feel she's not very mature... at times narcissistic? For instance, she kept reminding me how wonderful it was for me to pay this fee she lowered for me and kept on reminding me about payment when I've paid directly each time. Last time, she told me about how it was her birthday the next day and kept on gloating about how young she looked and she keeps things simple. I...don't know what to think... I also dislike how she rolls her eyes about Christians. Christians have given me trouble before, but Christianity is just as valid as other things. I dunno... I'm not Christian, but it still bothers me see such immaturity.
I arrived where I began. Very mixed feelings about this...
Blah. *hiss* Not a good day today. WTF is up with people correcting me today. X_X; I'll cut excess stuff in a post or article for the sake of brevity and then someone comes along and decides to inform the world that somehow I've not said ENOUGH or the RIGHT THING.
URGH, seriously. I've gotta calm down. Venty McVentington over here.
Hello, readers!
Came back from therapy a couple hours ago. Was nice seeing my psych again. But the freakin' waiting room was filled with a loud family and a counselor who kept talking and blocking traffic, besides two other people. URGH, seriously. It didn't last very long... but I hate getting stared at by children or ANYONE for that matter. I wonder if people realize how obnoxious they are? I always worry about my own behavior and that can lead to me making some rather obnoxious behaviors(or so I think).
Anyway, waiting room and being stared at aside, I had a rather lengthy discussion about my other therapist. Ms. Marriage Counselor. I practically barfed my concerns and feelings about her out instantly. Another thing that I found was interesting was that she confided that she'd be okay with being my secondary if I wanted to work with her directly and say screw it to marriage counseling. Wellllllllllllllll, turns out that there's a conflict of interest so to speak on a professional level. He told me that it would be unethical if she worked with me on the same stuff, but if I wanted him to support me on something specific, then it'd be okay. Hell no! I want him to be my main. I don't see this counselor going on for much longer... was pretty blatant about that. I did say that I don't mind learning from her more, and I'd only want to continue if there were something of value or Puer made progress.
Lord, did I oust those things I mentioned earlier on here. The "trying to shove me through a tube" thing, her arrogance and bragging about her youth, her blatant intolerance for Christians. Flat out said what I did on here, including that I felt she was very immature. OMFG, scared that he's gonna tell her- but I'm pretty sure he isn't since he said I should bring up those things myself. Anyway, going back to the secondary thing... why it's so unethical is because having two different ideologies(which they are) work on the same person can put someone in the middle of a power struggle. So then the person becomes a battleground for them. X_X; I already mentioned how my psych's thoughts are on this, while hers is that I absolutely cannot grow unless I cut myself out of this and run away completely. No ifs, ands, or buts. There's evidence here, and otherwise that prove I'm growing and making progress. It's frustrating. I am growing right now, but I'm not thriving. Maybe that's what she meant? I dunno, either way...
More and more I'm the one feeling like I want to cut myself off from this relationship. I decided that I'll do a mixed session next time with half me, half him. She's good at holding the space and stating boundaries- but...like I said...she's immature. Which is funny because she's over ten years older than me. XD Anyway, she did spark revelations and I even started doing surveys to earn money and be independent. I'm getting my first check in the mail soon. Don't worry, I researched who to sign up with and made sure not to get caught up in a scam. I am thankful to her for that, for propelling me towards this- she does challenge me. But I wonder at what cost?
@CaloenasNicobarica
Wow cal... I seriously admire your strength and bravery.. I don't often post to others diaries cause I feel like I can't express what im thinking but I had to comment today because I seriously admire your strength!! How you were able to straight out speak to the secondary therapist about first therapist was great! I had an awful session with my new psych just on Wednesday but when I seen my doctor(she's great) I was unable to tell her how he just shoved me aside after opening up and telling my story to him.. Oh gosh now I am rambling on your post sorry!!! Anywho I hope you are feeling good about yourself because you are such an amazing person 💖💖💖
@calmLake1999
Hi calmLake! TY, I still feel like I'm simply just gettin' through the days. This is kinda weird, cuz I was over at your diary thread reading your recent stuff. I always get chicken when dealing with others on here because I might mistype or derp on saying things. X_X; So, I hear where you're coming from. When I speak up like that I go through this shock state where I can hardly believe it happened...then to this freak out state where I'm worried about punishment or something. Old programs die hard.
I'm sorry your new psych isn't very empathetic. It's a really tough place to be, but you can open up when you feel ready. I'm glad you at least have a compassionate ear with your doctor. :) It's okay to ramble on here. XD It's pretty much what I do. I know tons of wordy folk-, especially from my RP days. So no big! You're fine.
~Sending some positive energy your way.
Freaking out about the above. To a lesser extent today, though. Will bring it up at my next appointment with my psych for sure. I still feel very uncomfortable around the new lady to address these things. I mentioned the other stuff, but this stuff I feel is way too personal and not exactly cool. Something to simply keep under my hat for now. Watch and see, indeed.
Oh! This is kinda an aside, but I'm feeling better and getting much more sleep lately. Feeling like I'm getting my health straightened out. Even did yoga in the evening last night. <3 Hope things are going good or at least improving for the rest of you.
Had a draining day today. Looking forward to a restful day tomorrow and getting some stuff done.
My head was all in a mess today. After having trouble falling asleep, I decided to write in my journal. I read a few articles on the subject matter. How certain toxic folks "handle" apologies. I reflected on what a true apology/accountability was. Being able to pinpoint what one did wrong, and truly apologize specifically for one's actions...or some such thing. Not only that! Taking complete responsibility and NOT, I repeat, NOT try to flip it on the other person. There's so much flotsam in a fauxpology with these types. So many vague, yet oddly dismissive and out of place words or sentences. Kinda laughing about this right now...my damn writing feels like this. I'm half-asleep. X_X;
Anyway, I had to deal with what I call a "we-pology". Where the toxic person does something quite lacking in decency or in regards to human empathy. Gets you to "talk" to them, then proceeds to make it only slightly about how it's them, but how it's an US or WE problem- but "Oh yeah! BTW you were a jerk when you did this! How dare you!" comes up and is targeted at the person they've been assholes to.
Hmmm... so, we've got blameshifting, lack of accountability, minimization, outright manipulation of the conversation, and probably around three other mechanisms I can't name right now due to my current exhaustion. It's nearly 4AM here. XD
After sorting it out in my thoughts, I see how impossible it is for someone so emotionally stunted to even hold a normal conversation or interaction without some viciousness seeping out. The insecurity cannot ever seem to leave them alone. While I struggle with insecurities brought on from my dark past, I deal with it differently. Those insecurities are there, but I try not to project them onto other people. I level with myself that's not the right thing to do and it accomplishes nothing. While I am also admittingly emotionally stunted in my coping mechanisms and how my brain reacts to things- I realize that this is happening. I accept it and try to cope with it the best I can so I can one day be living more in that revered adult brain.
May positivity find us, and may we generate our own.
