SHACKLES
I HAVE BEEN DOWN SO VERY LONG, ALWAYS BENEATH AND NEVER ON TOP
IMPRISONED BY THOUGHTS THAT SILENCE OF NIGHT CAN NOT SEEM TO QUIT
WHISPERING VOICES CHAT IN MY EAR. VENUM AND POISON THEY EXCREET.
SHACKLES TO SHAKE me BUT I DON'T HESITATE, TO MAKE MY ESCAPE.
I WANT TO TAKE MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AND ENJOY MY NEW ESTATE.
SHACKLES MUST GO WE HAVE NO DATE
@scarletPear1945
Looking out the window on a cold December night. While tears I feel now wet my cheek as thoughts dance in my head. Striving to know what true FORGIVENESS really feels like. Wondering the words I've spoken I LET GO AND I FORGIVE. are just sharp words spoken with emptiness, my heart still dying of angry rage plaque my soul deep within. Memories and pictures I did not ask to see. Visions and goblins disguised by the night and my soul now takes flight. Sleepless days and restless nights as the demons come out during the night.
Forgiveness: I try to not fight or reject you, Yet I die inside. RELEASE AND LET GO: You told me your story and I know your goal yet inside my soul still I die. I lay awake at night unable to sleep in a bed that was my right. You stained it and soiled it to my discuss. My place of rest you stole I now detest. Siled linen that soap can not clean, no Clorox to bleach them clean. Yet life has changed so much. I don't recognize anything much.
ABUSERS AND USERS AND PREDITORS: You took what you wanted, like candy from a baby you gained your pleasure. Then said it was a pleasure. No once but so many times you hurt me as you groped me prostituted my body. Then with a smile said LET'S KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY. The place that was not safe.
When asked Why: YOU ALL REPLIED, THAT IS WAS MY EYES THOSE BEDROOM EYES. I HATE THE EYES THAT LOOKED AT YOU AS YOU TORE AT MY FLESH. THEN TOSSED ME TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS LIKE A HUNGRY DOG THEY TO ATE. I LOOK AT NO MAN FACE TO FACE FOR FEAR OF THOSE BEDROOM EYES. Let go, forgive die inside.
A husband I married to protect me from the evils that had plagued me all my life I married a man I did not know. Where love was unknown but rather a shield of protection of what was within. A means to silence the demons within. Yet I die, FORGIVE, LET GO, HEALING WITHIN. Yet my eyes torment me today with fear of someone seeing and thinking Its a come to hither look. 4 years old my youth was stolen. A WOMAN YOU MADE ME AT 4. A CHILDHOOD TOOK AWAY AS THIS STORY PLAYS YOU KEPT. IT PLAYING OVER AND OVER. YOU KNEW I WAS AFRAID THAT'S HOW WELL YOU PLAYED THE GAME. YET I DIE INSIDE. I TRY TO HIDE EMOTIONS CAUSE YOU GOT SO ANGRY. YOU THREATED TO KILL ME AND DUMP ME IN THE WOODS WHERE NO ONE WOULD FIND ME. YOU SILENCED ME
@scarletPear1945
Thats incredibly powerful Pear, and so distressing. It depicts such pain and horror, I hope some of that hurt has faded over time. Do you see where the fault lies? Not with you. Dont serve a life sentence when youre not the criminal.
@DeborahUKlike
I don't want to be the prisoner yet I am. Just standing looking at the Christmas tree when flashbacks come shooting out of nowhere. Triggers, not mine.I tell my self not mine. but tears and the memory still I wear.
Sorry, they are just there.
SHACKLED MIND:
My head feels like the L.A Freeway at 4:00. Thoughts racing and speeding so fast I barely get a quick glimpse as they soar by.Then at four there traffic gets backed up and things come to a complete stop. Nothing can go forward, you are just stuck. Yes I know it's only a matter of time before things get going again. But it's that long process of waiting for the change
@scarletPear1945 I hear you, Do you hear me?
It really is amazing how we hear what we hear. The words CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ringing, ringing so loudly in my ear but that little girl is nowhere near. She has journeyed off too where I do not know. But here and now stands a woman scattered and worn from still more of the pain and suffering you inflicted on me in my youth.
Like a mighty eagle, you flew high in the sky till your prey you did spy. So once again the horror begins. I am a lady now that child you knew she no longer resides here. I know not where she has gone.
You know how people fear your very presence because of who you know and who you are. They allow to be safe beneath the naked eye's of the law and they cover your sinister plots like a blanket used on a winter night. You sold me out to your racketeers for a piece of silver you gave my soul. I was a lady, I was your daughter.
but because our blood was not from the vain, You pulled out that blade to my neck you came. With words of threats as you promised my life, you surely would take, if I did not take those dates.I cried and pleaded. You said shut your face there is money to make. Afraid nowhere to run no one to get me out of this, He is connected. You don't know who, so better silence then my story falls into the hands of those connected. I am, I was, No more the Lady, Now the lady and the child have to go hide where no one knows.
Child, I am no child,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I am, I was a lady
Trauma should have been my name that sexy little girl who now is that sexy lady with the Bedroom eyes is what my attackers and abuser said as he whispered in my ear.
Letting go that's all I know, not once this was my life, And They draw to me like leeches keep my past ever present, The past is still here, I live it I eat it I wake up with it. Always guarded. But now the major character has met his demise. I can now speak out, I can yell my story from the rooftop. Not one damn thing can the connected ones do.
promise
LAST ENTRY: SILENCE HAS NO VOICE, YOU TOOK IT AWAY
This is the end of this story. The voice has been silenced. they say tell your story and get it off your chest. let me say to you be careful of what you say. Amenity will be gone. Who can tell you when you are safe or not? Who has the right to call my shots for me? You are not here you don't know why we don't
want to talk about stuff. It has always came back to bite
When I needed help no one was there. I did not ask for no one too but into my family life. Yes, anger is boiling in me. I am being reported to Protective Services by my Therapist. I guess I should have quit while I was ahead. I kept trying to get help for my own head. This is going to bring major issues into my home. All hell fixing to be unleashed. How is that going to help me?
This kind of stuff is why I have kept silent for so long. Well, I thank you for sealing this voice. I hope that this makes you feel good and proud. You have just released the monster in me. As you told me once."You are able to take care of your self" so am I. No one can say I did not try
@scarletPear1945. Scarlet, i miss you and hope you are doing well. I wonder what msy have become of my friend. Hoping that things are going well. God speed scarlet. May you get to where you need to be soon. Love ya. With hugs.
@scarletPear1945 😭. I will miss you scarlet. 😭
@PerfectStorm426
Hey there PerfectStorm
I had been looking for you and could not find you. How are you?
I have been having a time getting well and still am struggling with my health but I am better. So I have not been checking in too much or posting.. Emotions and just feeling been getting in my way. I was told that I talk in a judgemental way and I just pulled back. Not my intent so until I can learn to talk in a way that is not abusive or demeaning I just stopped. I miss you all and hope to get back on track soon. Thanks for reaching out
@scarletPear1945 thank you for replying. I feel relieved. I was worried. I cant believe anyone would think that about you. I think its bull. I have been apart of a good deal of your writings over the past few months, you are one of the few that keep me here. Don't let some peoples opinions stop ya. You help allot more people on here, than the few that spoke ill of you. I hope you can see that. And i hope that your health regains. Stay strong and keep in touch. I dont bounce around here anymore. Tooooo many triggers. Almost quit several times. O yeah, by the way, i think ur great just the way you are!
Keep on keepin on!
@PerfectStorm426
Lady, you got me crying tears of joy. Thank you so much I needed that validation right now
@scarletPear1945. Ha! Now ima gonna make you cry tears of laughter... i aint a lady😳😁 glad i made ya feel good about who you are. A tidbit of storm world philosophy for you to chew on, "those who like me, like me well. The rest of them can go to (insert very hot place full of not fun or enjoyable things).
You have a good night sweetie. Go smack that tambo around a lil. *bop shakey shakey-bop shakey shakey*
@PerfectStorm426
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry but I love the moto
@PerfectStorm426
Hey there!!
How the heck are you doing? not seen you around too much or am I just missing your posts?
I hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon
@PerfectStorm426
Hey there!!
How the heck are you doing? not seen you around too much or am I just missing your posts?
I hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon
@scarletPear1945. Hiya Scarlet. Thank you very much for checkin up on me. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I havent posted in a few days. Allot of stuff in the not good department going on in Storm world. Its trickling into this stuff. Feeling pretty lost. Dunno whats good for me anymore, if anything. But you dont need to hear all that stuff. Hope all is well with you!!! And thank you again!!! Im dam proud of ya! I always look forward to seeing u here. Side note... you keep pushing onward and stay strong! Ur an awesome woman. Never let anyone make you think any differently
@PerfectStorm426
So glad to hear from you. I miss your post, but totally understand where you are coming from. I wish to give you a big hug and tell you to hang in there too. Our floods have sooner or later got to roll out with the tide You help keep me motivated and have a special place in my heart.
@PerfectStorm
I don't know where you are or what is going on in your world but I miss you. You started a journey with me and encouraged me and stood beside me through the hard times and I am truly grateful for having met you. I pay all is well and that our paths will cross again.
So you are no longer here, I miss you very much. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would outlive my son. Although you are gone I still feel the shackles of you all about me.
I am so sorry that your life was cut so short. I am sorry about the way your life was taken away.
So many memories of you, the good and the bad. moments that only a mother can hold. I hope that at last, you have peace. You had a very hard life and I am so sorry that I could not give you the life that you so deserved, but I gave you my all. Seems like you had a dark cloud over you from birth to the end of life. Conceived in violence and died a violent death. I miss you son. May the Heavens smile upon you and maybe we will see each other over on the other side.
Huggy Bear❤️
@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry to hear that you about the loss of your son. You will be in my thoughts.❤️
@adventurousBranch3786
Thanks❤️
WHEN YOUR WORST FEARS COME TRUE:
I really wonder if I am not self-Sabatoging?? I want to do so much to keep my mind in a positive mode. Yet despite the fact that I hear those inner critics telling me that I won't be able to accomplish the task, I yell back with a determination that I will and I know I can, yet I serum in defeat. Giving that voice a good laugh that I have failed again. I start with a zip in my stride only to begin to fall back before reaching the finish line. How do you help someone else when your own stuff falls so short? People have more confidence in me than I have in myself.
Motivation I have but I become my own worst enemy and It seems I just am too unable to fix myself. It is as if something inside of me is just out of place or missing. Like being absent but yet you are present. I keep trying to put this puzzle together but the pieces just don't fit.
The therapy seems to make me worse as if whatever the block it's strong and unrecognizable. No inner peace the inability to sleep the fear and anxiety for no reason imprisons my very being. Feelings of being watched constantly, always having to be on guard for ???? insecurity. I got shackles all over me, holding me back from getting on track.
Literally watching visions like tv episodes flashing before my eyes and making no sense. The lady that speaks to me questions and I answer and then don't remember what we said. the man was doing the same thing and I heard him. The invisible donuts that I found myself eating. All of this is so crazy but yet I experienced this. I can not even watch tv without getting triggered by something. The vision of me laying on the ground outside and my family not knowing where I was because they were all asleep.
I try to meditate but even that causes body memories to arise that feel so real. When I am able to break away I am in a panic but nothing is there. I get enraged with the people that caused this to be so. I get angry that I have spent a lifetime trying to heal and move on. Spending money I don't have to try to get help.
Is this maybe a nightmare that I will wake up and find it was just a dream. Or is this just a cruel joke in the game called life?
I must question my own integrity and honesty. Head knowledge is one thing but heart knowledge must unite. Someone said Fake it till you make it, that really does not work.
Just ranting about how I feel, and what it feels like in my skin, on another sleepless night.