Sexually Assaulted
Hey, Everyone:
I have a hard time sleeping at night, so it's when I do most of my thinking and whatnot.
I'm 22 and am about to start my last semester of college at a small, Lutheran college in the Midwest. A little over a year ago (April 5, 2013 to be exact), a guy I considered a friend sexually assaulted me. He came over to watch Boy Meets World with me, which I figured would be harmless. We had fooled around a little bit the previous semester, but I had told him over Christmas break that I didn't want to fool around anymore. I had different reasons for not wanting to continue.
So, on this particular night, we were just chilling in my apartment watching the TV show. We were watching it online and it was taking awhile for one of the episodes to load. As we were waiting for it to load, he started fingering me and other stuff. I told him no. Numerous times. I told him I didn't want to do that. He didn't listen. He said I could just lay there and enjoy it and that I wouldn't have to do anything. I didn't know what else to do, so I just laid there. Eventually, I helped him finish because it was just going to keep doing stuff to me and take forever if I didn't. I didn't want to, but I felt like I had no other choice.
I was doing a lot better and felt like I was moving on with this. But it's really been bothering me again lately. I should've done more to try to stop him. I'm such an idiot. I know it's not as drastic as what happens to a lot of people, but it's effecting me quite a bit. I feel like it's effecting me more than it should. I just feel so weak and pathetic. I don't really know what to do.
Sarah my condolences on that horrible experience you went through.
What do you think you can do to get back your power and feeling of security?
Thank you, Eugene. I don't think there's anything I can do. At least, that's how I feel right now.
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened to you! This unfortunately happens quite often, in every stage of life. There will be times, like anniversaries of the event or what is known as triggers, that will cause it to come back to the surface. All of that is normal. What would be cause for concern is if that become overwhelming as if you are reliving the event(s). We all say the same things to ourselves about our events, trying to blame our self in someway in order to make sense out of something that makes no real sense.
Please know we are here for you if you would ever like to talk about it in a nonjudgmental and safe atmosphere.
Wishing you all the best life has to offer.
Thanks, Beth. I've already had to deal with an anniversary of it and lots of triggers. One trigger that always gets me is when someone as the same first name as he does.
Honestly, it's basically the only thing on my mind when I fall asleep at night. I don't like that. But right now, I feel like that'll never change.
Hi, Traumatic Experienced? well I'm fit for that! Sexually Abused, Bullied, Tortured and etc. so yes, i've experienced all of those, well that was happened when i was a kid until adolescent stage, no one knows, except you (whoever reads it), so i thought my resiliency is high..which i didn't know that i'm only suprressing and repressing all of this..and i need to seek a psychologist.. so whoever experienced or experiencing this, i suggest that you should look or seek a help from an expert in medical health professionals, because it might cause u distress or more than that.. it would be a nightmare!, you can't hide it for a long time, because unconscious can bring into consciousness.. Though a theraphy helps alot, we can't run from it, because sometimes there will be one that will make it trigger, and bring back the past.. hehe i wish i'll be free from it :D agree or disagree?
Hi, Traumatic Experienced? well I'm fit for that! Sexually Abused, Bullied, Tortured and etc. so yes, i've experienced all of those, well that was happened when i was a kid until adolescent stage, no one knows, except you (whoever reads it), so i thought my resiliency is high..which i didn't know that i'm only suprressing and repressing all of this..and i need to seek a psychologist.. so whoever experienced or experiencing this, i suggest that you should look or seek a help from an expert in medical health professionals, because it might cause u distress or more than that.. it would be a nightmare!, you can't hide it for a long time, because unconscious can bring into consciousness.. Though a theraphy helps alot, we can't run from it, because sometimes there will be one that will make it trigger, and bring back the past.. hehe i wish i'll be free from it :D agree or disagree?
Hi Sarah,
I can only share what I did in a similar situation. I noticed that these situations seemed to be drawn to me more. At first, I figured this is just the way life is, men are, and then I met quite a few who were very different. I did some reading about "boundaries." I felt that my boundaries were indeed weak because of sexual abuse I had experienced as a three year old child. I did some writing on paper to make a plan. Writing helps me remember my commitments too. This was a commitment to myself, to read and learn how to be more assertive in saying no, backing away physically, and getting away physically, or asking someone to leave. I was giving in to their "whatever" when I truly meant "no." I would suffer for it later, and they would be rewarded for "not listening." If books don't help you much, please find a counselor to talk to. He or she can walk you through the thinking that will make you feel more secure. Until I got more secure, I did not date for a while.
Basically, my plan is to not be alone with a guy, if I can help it, until I know I can fully trust him. I'm more comfortable around guys now, but I wouldn't ever go be alone with a guy I just met.
the same thing happened to me, Ifelt so shitty because Ifeltlike I could have done more to stop it. It did not help that when I told my friends they yelled at me and said I could have just left. I realize now that it wasn't my fault, I was so freaked out in the situation; I couldn't think straight I would just do anything for it end. Please know it wasn't your fault. I I understand that you couldn't do anything to stop it. Please don't blame yourself.
Thank you for sharing. It's great to hear you understandthis was not your fault. For some that is a big piece of the healing process.