Survivor of Someone Else's Suicide
When I was 17 my mother committed suicide. To say that we had a complicated relationship is the understatement of the century. She was actually my grandmother who adopted me because my biological parents didn't want me. She resented me my entire life because I reminded her of my biological mother, Amee. Susan, my grandmother, suffered from what I now realize was a list of mental illnesses. She was depressed and probably bipolar. She was also physically ill and suffered from horrible symptoms such as mini strokes, seizures, and chronic pain every day of her miserable life. And she did her best to make sure that my life was as agonizing as hers from the time that I was about 13 until she died. She hated me and it was painfully obvious. She constantly compared me to Amee, whom I grew up despising because she abandoned me and left me with that horrible witch of a woman. When I reached high school I began to rebel against her. I colored my hair black and cut it short because I knew she hated it, I refused to wear anything feminine or "pretty" by her terms. I wore dark colors and listened to Evanescence and was the epitome of a cliche little emo kid. The weekend she died we had a huge fight. I can't even remember what it was about anymore. I spent the night with a friend and came home Saturday morning. She was cold and hostile toward me immediately so I retreated to my room and put on a movie.
@JessicaLH8908
When I first read this I thought there was a second part to come, hence I didn't reply straightaway. But I wanted to say that your behaviour sounds like that of a typical teenager, which is surprising considering you had such a hard environment to grow up in. You can never be responsible for other people's actions, and I sincerely hope you've been able to move on from this horrible time with a clear conscience and not a heavy heart. None of these events are your fault you know.
@JessicaLH8908
I too, am waiting for more to your story... not that there has to be more said.
I will assume that since you are now aware of her conditions, there is less bad feelings about the circumstances leading up to your grandmother... mother's death.
I am sorry that you were left with a person that treated you so badly... I hope that today you are able to see life in a different light and have learnt that we do not chose our family but we can choose our path.
I wish you peace in your life.
@JessicaLH8908
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry you had to go through all you did. Know that what you experienced was not your fault.
If you find yourself still struggling, you might want to contact a listener just to chat about things, or you may want to seek support from a survivors of suicide group - American Foundation for Preventing Suicide has a link for support groups in a variety of areas - https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-a-support-group/
SAVE also offers suicide bereavement support group database at www.save.org