Symbol of Rebellion

Feasts Most Fancy

Mixed feelings today. My anniversary is coming up on Thursday. Don't remember how many years it's been. XD Yesterday, we discussed plans and he wanted to do the same old thing as last time. Truthfully, this time it's a modified version of that. The restaurant just changed.

It seems fancy, but not over the top and you're forced to pronounce French for everything. The scenery is nice. Hopefully, there won't be too many people or annoying children/babies. That usually sends my sanity points plummeting. Statistically, Wednesday is the least busy of all days for grocery shopping endeavors. Wonder if that extends to fine dining? I opted to go tomorrow just to see what happens, and hopefully bank off of it and enjoy a nice experience.

I feel weird. Kinda sick. These anniversaries remind me that I'm still here with SO. Not a good feeling. I feel like kicking myself and bitching at myself at the same time. I'm doing the things I can to improve myself so I can leave, but there's so much work to be done. Maybe not as much as there used to be... but it's hard to be positive about. Especially when the relationship is unhealthy and utterly devoid of soul on their part. Facades.

I remember telling him I wanted a moonstone or something with potent symbolism. Something that didn't have to be a precious stone and was more about the thought behind it. Instead, I got TOLD what I wanted and what I would like because it "better represented" me. He instead opted to get me this lab-created sapphire ring with some cubic zirconia and this elaborate setting. ...Uh huh. This is pretty much symbolic of the relationship entirely.

Guess who never wears that stupid freakin' ring? XD

It's like wearing an embodiment of a projection right on my finger. "Oh look! What a lovely shackle." Tomorrow I won't even wear it. I'll probably wear my evil eye jewelry.

Fun fact. Y'know that thing from metal with the "Satan" horns thing you do with your hand? It's actually from a gent who had a very devout and superstitious Catholic grandmother(I think) who would do that to send the evil eye back to people.

Walk proudly, my brothers and sisters.

Found rhis on Imgur, Cal. (Complete eith the title you see beloe). Just HAD to share it with you!😍🙄😄🤔💞

I for one welcome our new overlords. https://imgur.com/gallery/okjnQ

P.s. ...it's pigeons! 🙄

Averting the evil eye

***A bit salty of a post***

I decided to get up early today even though I was up late. Coffee does that to me~!

I've been in high anxiety mode for a week or two. It was especially bad yesterday. When things like going to a certain place happen or traveling, I get super anxious to the point I can't sleep. Dining out is no exception. My stomach was not handling it well so I kept hiding in the bathroom because of it. The entire day I couldn't focus. To the point where even my concentration and ability to do anything in video games was also affected. It got so bad I started to tense up to the point of painfulness. Had to take some of my OTC medication for sleep to tame it. It lasted for awhile but then I started to disassociate really bad.

On the way up SO asked me about why I wasn't wearing my ring and I told him I dislike it. It doesn't suit me....and "other things..." as I put it. The conversation ended right there with an awkward silence. Dinner was pretty nice. But the whole damn place was full up. And yes, someone brought their damn baby. It was actually pretty good, not screaming and crying the entire time. I've been to places where the mom is there like a dolt while her child obviously needs comforting. My lord is that sh*t triggering to me. Brings up too much old crap. The cacophony of human noise forced my disassociation a bit. I started out pretty good and was able to socialize but then I noticed that decreased and even the wait staff kinda gave up on me. There was a point near the end where I said something(maybe too quietly) and they spoke to SO directly about something and ignored me. I tried to be present but it was really hard. It's also extremely hard for me to eat in public. Feel like I'm being judged and I never finished my portions. Why does the salad have to be so ginormous? X____X;

Since I don't see my psych I've felt like I'm spiraling out of control. So many things accumulating. But it was so expensive. I really don't wanna put myself in that place of having to deal with that stupid BS where he's located. The b*tch counselor and her hollowclients. And thinking on it, he was decent enough but he would also food shame me with organic nonsense. Stuff like saying I was drinking poison in my soda(vastly unfounded claims). WTFF if I had medical paranoia stuff like hypochondriac stuff?! That would be incredibly triggering! Not to mention slight whiffs of Nazi empathizing. Yeah. That... is pretty weird. He was pretty good despite those things and y'know...ONLY supporting SOME of my anxiety stuff and then being manipulative about it so he didn't have to deal with it.

I feel extreme cynicism towards this field right now. After the mindf***ery with that horrid marriage counselor and her crazy SIL-esqe BS. Guilting me for not continuing. What a b****. Some people just get into the profession to prove themselves "better". This chick obviously did. Another move like SIL. Making sure I knew that there was still much wrong with me. And she still "wanted to support me". Thanks...I'd rather deal with the asps of the sands than the presence of that wretched specimen.

Speaking of all this. Been dealing with some severe boundary violations that SO likes to sneak in there because gotta follow that narc program. Let's just say they indicate very complex issues related to his relationship with his mother. Don't want to go into much detail about it. Anyway, I've been retreating into that child-brain a lot lately. Not good. I need to be able to firmly establish that I won't tolerate his disrespectful actions. School hasn't been going to hot. I know I'm not too bad off with stuff, but that stuff with my jackass advisor still haunts me. Leads me to procrastinate even more when I'm barely able to even get out of bed. X_X; Gonna get some stuff done today despite that. Already did a survey today.

Today is also my true anniversary. I plan on cooking a simple meal. Oh, yesterday was also pi day! Celebrated with some pie before it struck 15. The Ides of March. So damn fitting. My wedding was on a different day but I don't count it. Like so many other things in life other people decided how it would be. I hated it. Every aspect of it. I only got to choose my dress. MIL took over and my friend's narc mom. I hated how the crappy ILs were there and made sure to state they had more important things to do. No one would touch the wedding cake. I even got insulted by SIL because I didn't jump at socializing with her...y'know...after she laughed and called me a freak with BIL over the phone when I was talking to the ILs. BILs are nutso. Drugs, alcohol, mommy issues, big man syndrome, straight up bullying and abusive as befits their ilk from the narcissist den whence they came. "The apples are still firmly attached to the tree. Rotting on the branch and attracting wasps."

Despite all this, I'm trying to refocus my efforts. After some introspection earlier. I feel like the disassociation I'm experiencing is a form of pain. Not just a coping mechanism. That kind of pain so intense that it renders one unconscious. I'm in pain and my body just shoves it aside. But that is also pain. Sometimes it feels like I'm in some awakened coma state. Contradictory, floating around. More like an apparition than an actual being. Going to take it slow today, work on what I need to and get things done. Will try to reconnect. Lessen the pain by reconnecting to the physical and seeing what I'm actually feeling. By remembering my humanity.

An Open Letter To...

***Contains large quantities of salt***

The jackasses that keep leaving their business cards for their damn paint services on my door. You bother me every so often, interrupting my f***ing day. Today, you were especially annoying. You literally stopped in the street, left your vehicle running, and knocked on my F***ING DOOR! After I ignored you and you hopped in your vehicle I noticed your business card. Y'know what. Screw you. Just seriously.

Do you think I want the f***ing house to look like this? Do you think it's ME just leaving it like this?! SERIOUSLY?! I've been wanting to get this house painted for five or six damn years. When I've mentioned it. Some jackass that I personally have to deal with on a day to day basis lashes at me. Telling me in this redneck accent that "You need to have PRIDE in this house." The freakin' thing has three different colors of slapped on paint- is the worst looking house in the neighborhood... and even his customers at work make asides about it! Yet Puer gets angry and pissy then wastes his life with nothing but video games/TV/internet. Rotting on his oily a**. Using the finances for his stupid instant wants. I get yelled at for wanting the house to not be a sh*tpile while money gets diverted to a vehicle we didn't even need.

Do you really think you're helping? Do you think I'm gonna use your stupid a** services because you extended them that way? Screw off. I'm the one that gets yelled at. I'm the one that has to deal with his pissy attitude because you were being so "kind". Yeah, fun marketing, huh? Y'know what? I'm gonna divorce this bastard and the house will stay the same for awhile, and then slowly begin to rot each year... It will look worse and worse because he's off with his druggy losery friends running around, seeking their approval. Getting walked on and then retreating to his basement AKA this house. He does nothing. Leaves garbage everywhere, and pridefully says he doesn't care what anyone thinks.

Nah, screw all parties involved. 'cept the people reading this! XD You're fine.

I...didn't think it would get that visceral. O_______O;

Feel like a beast thrashing about in her chains as of late.

Dear Cal I wish the best in every conceivable way. Thsnk you for all you've shared with me. Thank you for all your kindness.

My posts have been missing words or rather spotty as of late. Well, moreso, anyway!

Let's see. Easter's soon. I typically get an Easter basket. It is also one of the holidays my fluffy white cat presides over. He's my Easter bunny stand-in. Things have been going well, but I've been pretty emotional lately. I don't typically like referring to myself as an empath, but my energies seem to be all over and mixing with others pretty heavily. It's been pretty difficult because of personalizing things from others. On here for example, and in situations offline. Always think I'm to blame for something, or did something to someone. That one-sided scapegoat/codependent dynamic. I've noticed that there have been reactive chains being set off, as well. Since a great deal of the people I've dealt with who have suffered in their life develop hypersensitivity as a survival mechanism. It extends beyond that, of course.

I've found myself seeing situations like that here and there. Then I perceive something with the filter of personalization and BAM with those other instances fresh in my mind and some residual energy leftover I too react. Trying so hard not to be a burden, to step on people's toes. Trying to make and keep friends. Human relationships are pretty complex things. 'specially when it comes to trauma being thrown into the mix. It's pretty easy to take a misunderstanding and it going from 0 to OMG they hate me and I should run away in no time flat.

SO has ramped up their narcissistic behaviors and the house is basically on lockdown. "Do not talk about anything unpleasant. Do not expect me to do anything. Because I WILL (NOT) do it. Do not accuse me of doing something bad or negligent." Very much a PNS(Pathological Narcissistic Space). The atmosphere is stifling. I'm wondering if I should seek counseling again? It's not even been a month, really... my disassociation seems to be worsening in some ways. However, there are some positive things. Like finding my focus and ability to work on stuff. Finding some control in my own little circle of Pigeon.

There have been so many boundary violations that I don't even know how to bring it up. And there's no real way to bring it up to someone like that without a freakout. That's why they do it. What I've found is that I simply enact the consequences because at this point I've already mentioned in a human way how I felt and it was completely ignored. I've distanced myself from SO quite a bit. He wants a doll to manipulate and break. Something that will mindlessly watch him play video games, watch tv, and not care about silly old feelings or responsibilities. I'm quite done. He interferes with so much. And it's no wonder I feel to blame for everything everywhere, practically. I asked him to put away his dishes that were a huge pile accumulated throughout the day. He freaked out on me like I nagged him the entire day when I mentioned it once. "I WILL put it away. I WAS going to, honey." Then he sulked away after putting away his dishes...meanwhile...leaving garbage and a cup he left out for over a week out on the table. He's just a huge brat. Hell, this is how he treats ALL chores. Things never get done. I have to pace myself in a way where I'm not enabling him. By the Divine, I wish I had some rich unknown(non-suck) family member who took me under their wing and taught me about business and hooked me up with one. XD

It's so easy to have these kinds of abusive people convince you to waste your time on them. I gotta disconnect better. Disconnect with them while connecting with myself and my present. But also giving myself the tools to go towards a brighter future. ...and to remember not to personalize things, damn it!

Back from taking my leave for a couple of days to study. Had to peel myself away from here. I tend to get obsessed since I don't have much going on socially IRL. XD It's nice to connect, to support and be supported here. To utilize the learning guides and sometimes listeners are cool and send me an inspirational message. <3

Was gonna respond to comments right now. However, it's 1:30AM my time and I'm just gonna throw out this cat pic. lol Oh yeah... I took my test earlier and passed with a 95. My stomach gets real tore up from that kinda stuff. X_X Anyway, I encountered some difficulty with my proctor because my webcam had this stupid film on it from the factory and he kept trying to get me to take it off and I told him about 5 times that I couldn't and about that. Despite the difficulties with that, I still got a nice score.

Mnnnn, my next exam is more serious. I actually have to go out to a testing facility in the area. Not looking forward to it, especially since the last time I went my weight and how I walk got made fun of from no sh*t- SO's crappy drugged up friends. I also got some snotty looks from young women. WTF is wrong with people? Really worried. Scared. Wish when people did stupid crap like that they'd combust into flames. They so deserve it.

Sometimes it feels like my anxiety is getting worse with this stuff, sometimes I handle it better. Instead of running from this exam, I'm just gonna study every day and make sure I'm prepared. Try to get it done and over with, but not skimping on thoroughly understanding the materials. My advisor calls tomorrow. I'll probably get b*tched at because I didn't do it quick enough. Well, I've already decided I'm not going to speak to him after his stupid BS from last time. Maybe the time after this. But I don't really need his useless input. I have myself if I want a cruel voice, thank you very much. Though I certainly think that inner critic is losing its voice little by little.

Impromptu Family Issue

This will be a light-hearted post since I'm trying to fight that damn inner critic right now. Seems like a good strategy! Realized that I never really say much about myself, just my situation and such. X_X;

Took the day off yesterday. Since it was a post-exam day I needed to chill from the release of all that nervous energy. Had a call with my advisor, but I put it off in order to deal with an "impromptu family issue" as I wrote in an e-mail.

Very reluctantly I played peek-a-boo with this fellow. It was an issue of great importance! His boredom. He loves playing this silly game where I hide near a door or something and slowly come into view- he gets all happy and starts chattering. Yes, an issue to be sure.

What do I usually do in my own time when I'm not entertaining or feeding my cat overlords? Reading. A lot. While I do find e-books useful, it's really hard to beat physical books. I love used books. The scent, the feel, and color of the pages, the cover. It's an experience. Whereas with e-books my eyes get strained easier and if my phone or computer aren't on that's that. One of my dreams is to build a library of rare texts from around the world. A place where people can come to study, contemplate, and work in peace. To discuss philosophy and their faith or practices in a truly neutral area.

Too often I find people in within my type of spirituality touting openness only to start witch hunts right then and there. It's frustrating. I can admit my own biases and what I am not okay with. I think differences are what make us so special. But to shove those things into someone's face to the point of conforming- that's tyranny. We gotta know where we begin and end, I feel.

Anyway, I also love foreign languages and computer languages. Anything linguistic related! I'm a couple steps above beginner in Japanese. Have tried learning Italian, but it's a bit harder of a go. XD I also like studying the more secretive kind of languages and alphabets used throughout the world. For instance, hieroglyphics. I also practice Japanese calligraphy every so often. Love working with the brush, but I just haven't made time.

As far as my university stuff goes, I'm in a B.S. program for Software Development that has managerial and business-related courses as well. So I have to study some comp sci aspects on my own via MOOC. Data structures, algorithms, cryptography, useful things. I also supplement that with independently studying programming. Right now, I'm focusing on Python and Java. Believe my degree focuses on mobile app development. Which I really enjoy doing! I take extra courses for those, too. lol I feel like there's a lot of practical stuff that you need a hands-on approach with concerning this subject. My school doesn't provide that nearly enough. In fact, I wanted to go to a bootcamp program but those're SUPER expensive. I can't cough up that much money. It's cheaper than a standard university, but still. Then I'd have to move up north and live up there. X______X; No way that's gonna happen. If I had a relative or something, would consider. But I've been advised to go the degree route since it'll open more doors for me.

I also do a lot of cooking. I cook almost everyday. My main style is fusion cuisine and very homey/soul food type of stuff. For instance, Japanese curry with rice is pretty good. I can make a restaurant quality tonkatsu nowadays! That's pretty cool. I cook a lot of semi-Italian dishes as well. Whatever strikes my fancy really. Sometimes, I make sweets or baked goods, as well! Can make stuff taste pretty good, but my presentation sucks. lol It's really bad. XD Can't even wrap presents properly. Very clumsy and derpy. Always wanna make the cute animal-shaped stuff but it looks like some weird mitosis-y blobule.

That's enough for today! Will save the rest for a part two. Thanks for reading, hope you have a nice day!