Symbol of Rebellion

As usual, there's been a lot on my mind. I'm a bit late in doing my work on university classes. It takes me about a month of piddling around to get into working on things. Finding that my efficiency is increasing but I still wish to decrease that lull and be able to work straight away. Overcoming my urge to procrastinate has been a huge effort- since I live with someone who tries to sabotage my efforts besides myself. lol

But these interfere with my dreams. I read on calmLake's diary about how they are the person their little me wanted to be. I find that I'm still very far from what little me wanted...I feel kinda bad. She wanted to be a rich, cool mad scientist. XD Seriously. And yeah, in a way I'm still pursuing that dream. I want to be cool and be able to stand on my own. To not get frightened so easily or back down from challenges. To finally attain a career in the STEM world and have money to work on some of my creations. To prove those blowhards wrong. It feels pretty far out of reach. Dealing with the anxiety, PTSD, agoraphobia BS is severely limiting. It's gonna be hard breaking into the job market again, but I plan on doing it. I have to be responsible for my own dream and not make others hold me up for it. I'm gonna overcome these things. And I sure as hell ain't gonna make others pay for my mistakes as I had in the past when I didn't know any better. Doing things on my own has helped a lot. I keep doing more and more, soon I'll have that confidence I need.

Last night, when I was reading Boundaries I came upon a passage that sent me into tears. I rarely cry. Which probably isn't a good sign, considering... This chapter was about the common myths believed about boundaries. This particular section was how inappropriate boundaries set in childhood can injure us. It gave an account of who they called "Robert". How when he was a baby in the crib he would be left alone for hours at a time. His parents thought he was okay because he wasn't crying, but he had moved past crying to infant depression. Just those words. Infant depression. My lord, those words shouldn't even exist. I teared up just writing this blurb. I really wanna give Robert a hug and tell him it's okay. Maybe because that baby was also me. That's one of the things that happened. Remember being told by a professional that as soon as I gained consciousness about what was happening I turned depressed. Maybe I need a hug or something? XD It's really hard for me to remember self-compassion, easier to see it through when it's for others.

Yeah. Don't doubt it. My disordered mother accused me of having colic. But I was probably crying for damn good reasons. Later on, the neglect got even worse. It extended to animals. I won't go into details, but animal abuse was present. Though she believed she was "saving" them by buying or adopting them. It would turn into graphic nightmares of neglect with them. With little me trying to save them myself, but not having the resources, knowledge, or help to do so. My direct environment was fetid and I was essentially put in the same room as these animals. Shoved in there with random objects and her ignored cages and "rescues".

So many things have followed me from the past that I'm working out pretty much now. I shoved them aside. Not wanting to see them, and not wanting to be weakened by them but it was too late. I have to acknowledge them. There's no working AROUND them. Only through. To be able to sit with them and put yourself forth when dealing with your own uncomfortable feelings. That's what I've been learning. Challenging ourselves more and more to get beyond that. To remember that we too have feelings, thoughts, and beliefs that are valid.

That we are human.

I feel like I finally snapped.

...I started watching Bob Ross on Hulu. XD

Anyway, it's strangely calming despite the LOL90s intro. Was gonna post last night but I was dead ass tired. Mostly rolled around thinking about stuff can't remember when I went to sleep...past 2AM easily, though. I feel pretty lonely right now so I'm posting. Had an incident earlier where my SO asked an odd question and I answered honestly only to be called weird immediately. Yeah, sometimes you forget that they choose not to act human. And then after the fact, you remember when you engage them. Of course, it WASN'T meant that way. You just took it the wrong way....uh huh. I felt judged, sad, alone, embarrassed. Typical tactic of narcissistic styled abusers to pry for info. My guard was down. Guess I just need to remember that I'm classified data to this foreign threat I deal with on a day to day basis.

I'm feeling better now that it's out of my system. Last night, I kept thinking about my entire situation. Then I started dissecting my therapy situation. I'm already determined to cut it off with the marriage counselor. That's gonna happen next time. I'm wondering how I'll temper myself from being too "inelegant". She is immature, tactless, and arrogant. My psych practically winced when I told him the stuff she said to me. He apologized for everything, but not like he knew it would happen this way. Still...learned stuff. Told her it wasn't gonna last very long, so this is fitting. Gonna look for someone with decent hours AND can deal properly with this tricky situation.

On another note, I'm considering giving up therapy entirely. It's been a great help and I've found a lot of grounding and knowledge within it. But I don't know if I should continue... Been considering getting rid of my current psych pretty seriously. The issues with the freakin' waiting room/creepy ass counselor that's there... the decreasing rapport with him, *sighs* a lot adding up. I need to process and get past things... but maybe I've worn out my welcome. Frankly, it's as if he's bored. But I still don't know what to think of this thing with my social anxiety and his behavior towards me. How he told me that he believes SOME of my instances of bullying that I experienced were my social anxiety. ...This just doesn't sit well with me. Because as I said before, this is pretty much what he said earlier. It's invalidating. I know I can be jumpy, can misread things, and there's that trauma...but I already deal with gaslighting and invalidation like a f***ing mental patient enough at home.

Am I just being unreasonably pissy about this? What do you folks think?

My gut feeling- somethin' doesn't sit right. I've learned to listen to that feeling. Gave it time, and it's still not going away. If I still pursue therapy, it's gonna be hard to find someone with decent hours to switch to. Not impossible, though! I feel like I need an extra support to get through my days due to the mindf***ery that occurs on an everyday basis. Either way, I'm not happy with my situation. I'm going to change something.

Y'know. I'm gonna ask for referrals from both of them next time. That ought to be interesting.

I'd post this GIF I found of a cat but it drops expletives everywhere, dunno if it's appropriate. Maybe you know of it already? The cat that's knocking stuff off a desk and dropping f bombs. XD It pretty much embodies how I feel right now.

@calmLake1999 @wizeakre

'lo to the both of you!

Calm, you're perfectly cool to post on here. Like I was tellin' Wize, I welcome another perspective and seeing others here. <3 And thank you for the love and just being there with you being you! Sending some love back at you and Wize!

Wize, Calm, the both of you...

I've been putterin' around all day tryin' ground myself after thinking on it and deciding that yeah! I'm gonna toss both of them and find a new psych or therapist that does EMDR. Someone who won't toss my anxiety to the side and validate PART of my beliefs- whereas I get it's bad to validate say paranoia or something...but you don't treat them like this.

When the bullying did happen, I questioned it. Is this really freakin' happening? I mean, why would someone even do that? Heck, sometimes it feels like in therapy- just like in abusive situations you can be taught to gaslight yourself. But that gut feeling would still be there after the incidents. Looking back on it... what my psych did by rephrasing stuff and not changing his opinion on the matter- praising how brave I was to walk into the session, and washing over that stuff to continue along as "usual".... I felt like that was pretty freakin' manipulative. His body language was really weird, and I felt like there was some lying going on. Maybe a stretch, but... Either way... it's over. Done with him.

Been looking on PsychToday at some candidates, but I keep getting triggered by one that pops up. A freakin' psych that had an affair with my N-mom in his sessions! So creepy and gross. X_______X; URGGGH, I wanna throw things. She's so diseased.

I'm worried about later because I brought this up to my SO about how changes are being made. Now he's all giddy about telling me suggestions and happily said it would take a few hours! Le barf. I'm not gonna engage him. I only told them because of financial and scheduling reasons. Besides, it's like having a prisoner tell you how to not get caught. Had a headache all day and haven't been able to focus because of it. Already decided I'm just gonna have to hold firm and tell him I don't need a suggestion...but narcissistic injury and bubbles... draining.

Anyway, I thank the both of you from the bottom of my little pigeony heart for being there for me and sending your loving intentions and lending me your ear. For simply being there. Thanks.

I finished a section of my coursework, so now I'm allowing myself to post on here. There's a lot of reading to catch up on with other peep's journals. Kinda feel bad since I've slacked on that quite a bit with trying to force myself to focus on school and not hiding in child-brain mode.

Last night was interesting. Actually did end up discussing my therapeutic situation with SO, but I remained ready to state boundaries. I didn't go into detail on why things happened with my psych, but I did explain why I wasn't happy with the marriage counselor. Got informed that we were around 500 dollars in the red this month and the therapy situation wasn't helping. This month there was a cold snap, vehicle issues, and a few things went over budget. Luckily, some of my grant money fueled the emergency fund we had and this was resolved. Now there's a need to refill it. He was actually civil temporarily and I urged him to simply listen- which he did. That was good, but then later it reverted to him laying on the couch being a d-bag spamming video games.

Tonight, I cancel my therapy with the psych. Reflecting back on it, his behavior seemed different after I mentioned my misgivings about the marriage counselor. Wonder if it's something related? I also feel his body language was sarcastic and even moreso I look back and see that he was being manipulative in that last session trying to smooth things over by buttering me up about how unique/brave/blahblahblah I am. Maybe after awhile you see a person's true colors more vividly? Not sure, just know for various reasons it can't continue. Gotta shore myself up, here...

The situation changed with the marriage counselor, after discussing it the SO wants to have one last session with her for some reason. I also asked if he would consider continuing marriage counseling with me if I decided to not do therapy for myself for awhile. He couldn't answer...C_C; said he needed time to think about it. Uh, what's there to think about? Usually, that means a no, and he's gonna make a huge long-winded explanation about how he doesn't have any issues(in a very loving manner, of course). Yay! Narcissistic behavior patterns!

Additionally, he's going to give me control of these funds to use however I want. He's going to "allow" me to have my own account. But HE of course, has to be on the thing...y'know in case I get hurt and need someone to get the money. ROFLMAO. So caring. e_e;

Well, I've decided to accept this little charade for now. I'd be in charge of my therapy funds and other things directly. It's quite a pay raise in comparison to the wife-llowance I got before. Hmnnn. I still plan on having my own account without his stupid name on it where I keep a savings account. Figure I'll put the stuff I'm earning from surveys and such in there. Looking into some online banks with decent interest rates. I might try investing once I get more money...always interested me to learn about.

I've decided that I'm gonna stop therapy for awhile and see how I do on my own. I feel like a lot has shifted to the positive for me despite the troubles I'm having with the therapists themselves. They can't take away what I learned. I also have my university's wellness program which has free counselors over the telephone and free appointments through their network. So if things get really rough, I can call them. There's here, too. I've encountered a lot of good listeners on here, but I feel really bad bothering them...I dunno. OH! Why did I forget? You folks here, too. You're supportive! XP Urgh, I'm everywhere and nowhere right now. How could I forget that? X_X;

"You know, you're the one that always has to be right."

Ah, projection. A lot of us have faced that on our life journey as we navigate through the mire of mindf***ery unhealthy people use to justify themselves. Before that, I wanted to tell you folks how it went last night. Ended up canceling all my sessions to the shock of my psych. He was very surprised and asked me why. I told him I didn't feel supported due to the social anxiety stuff I mentioned before. I didn't want to elaborate on it, and I guess it was decided that it "just wasn't working for me" lately. Also mentioned the debt. C_C; Uhm....yeah. So, I talked the remainder of the session about what my plan for recovery was. Stuff like recent happenings, my sources of support, and my general plan for things.

It ended with me leaving early, him wishing me well and said he'd be fine if I wanted to check-in with e-mails or phone calls or to reschedule sometime later. I told him I didn't hate him, I was just angry but it would pass. He said he'd miss working with me and that I was one of his favorite clients. He offered me his hand, I shook it. Walked out and we wished each other a goodnight as my sessions are later.

Before the session, my stomach wasn't very happy so I hid in the bathroom beforehand to get myself reoriented and such. Had SO with me in the waiting room, where he started projecting on me...that helped. X_X; Hence the title of this entry.

Yay, thanks for the MASTERFUL personality analysis, Mr. Self-Aware.

Ah. Remember that thing I mentioned in an earlier entry about the marriage counseling needing time to be thought on? DINGDINGDING! Pigeon is a psychic! XD Even if I got appointments in the evening he said he wouldn't be able to make it to marriage counseling, because the busy season, y'know! Yup. Predictable AF. Speaking of which, decided I'm gonna talk to her on the phone before I go to that session with the SO. Figure I should inform her of what's going on before it strikes. Part of me wants to try for an intervention. However, as my psych said last night... he'll need a significant life change like me leaving him. That's probably the only way- which is pretty much what the literature on the matter says a great deal of the time! So, maybe not. But I feel like I should at least inform her of that. I want to end things as gracefully as possible.

Thinking back on what I said to my psych about the social anxiety thing. "Y'know, I get that I can't change your thoughts on this." I feel like I explained things pretty basically, but maybe not! I had a hard time with disassociation and keeping present. Wonder if he was just being manipulative and what not... it's hard to say. But I really didn't think it was cool feeling like I should have to hide things because only PARTS of that were validated.

He mentioned how sometimes I also invalidate those thoughts or decide they were an overreaction. Yeah. True, but with the stupid freakin' waiting room sh*t and how everything went down. I really gotta focus on my own voice. And I honestly didn't feel I could trust him later on. So this is probably the best course for me. He worried about how I would deal with SO and get an objective opinion on things... I kinda worry about that as well. I have resources, support here, but it's nice to get a professional opinion with all the mindf***ery. I just worry that now things'll get worse with even more ramped up craziness here. Guess I just gotta learn to deal for now. It's not like I can't go back there or to someone else, but I also do need some practice with listening to my inner voice. Now I get to practice swimming, it seems.

...looking back on this I think my psych was being manipulative near the end. Maybe someone more objective can take a look at this?

Hey everyone! Thanks for taking the time to share your love, wisdom, and support. <3 I really appreciate it and hope to reply directly to all of you and your own diaries/threads very promptly. My focus and energy has been shot lately, apologies. However, I'm catching up on some stuff finally! Thankfully, I have the house to myself which makes things have a way different atmosphere. SO went on a business trip. So me and the cats are enjoying ourselves and the chill atmosphere here.

Let's see...updates... Alright, this is gonna be ranty. You've been warned.

I ended up callin' that marriage counselor anyway to let her know beforehand that we were canceling but for some reason, my SO wanted to see her one last time. Figured, I'd be polite and give her a heads up.

O.

M.

G.

Part of me REALLY doesn't want to believe someone who is in this profession could be this way. O_O; Like...seriously?

I cannot even describe how freaking condescending she was to me. Period.

Not only that, she kept going on about how I reeeeeeeeeallly needed a lot of work and so did my SO. But, she has decided that she must empower people even though she might not agree with it or something! So after guilting me for quitting because her schedule is BS and she can't seem to keep a damn appointment- not to mention the finances and her fees... she kept going on about empowerment and empowering me to do so like she was some superior guru. X_X;

It gets worse. When I first spoke with her about my situation, I told her flat out it would be damage control and I don't have any hopes of my SO really improving or meeting me in the middle somewhere. I just needed a safe place to air my concerns and have a mediator. WELL, guess she didn't hear that. She told me that me and my abusive SO were "incompatible". Oh. Kay. Incompatible. Right. It's not like I f***ing didn't tell her flat out what was going on. Yes. But she's a professor of psychology. Wow. Genius.

Not only did she compromise my therapy by trying to inject herself into my direct treatment... which confused me and was something my psych warned me about. How you have to arrange things a certain way otherwise someone becomes a battleground for the therapists ego. She kept on insultingly and condescendingly telling me what to do and that I needed to "rip out the umbilical cords" in reference to my disassociation and how SO tries to get to me. While I did learn a bit from her...I felt REALLY REALLY not right with her.

She presented a lot like my SIL who fits in with my abusive narcissist den ILs. Arrogant, laughing at inappropriate things(timing-wise), condescending, trumping up their views/successes/etc as better, making sure you know how much of a saint or *insert personality here* they are. I felt almost violent towards this person. Not many people do that to me. But she was practically an older version clone of SIL! No wonder I feel like this. So much about her had red flags, but my psych kept on saying she was very "professional". WTFF qualifies as professional anymore?! I sincerely hope not this behavior.

The sick thing about all this is she was a DV counselor for many many years. She was so degrading to me, and I felt so ashamed of stuff because she kept on saying "You need to this." "You need to that." *insert telling me something with a snitty laugh at the end of it* Her manner and so much about her was from this place of extreme arrogance and immaturity. I can admit when I'm wrong, I don't mind advice if I ask for it, but don't shame me and act so freakin' superior when I'm doing the best that I f***ing can!

My mind is blown.

I cannot believe how crappy of a person this was. It's no wonder people get freaked out about the horror stories of therapists. That people have a hard time getting out of DV situations or things like that! Look at that thread about being frustrated with the lack of support regarding issues of trauma. A lot of people experience this, and it's not right. This woman tried to manipulate me into having her as a primary- she kept on working on issues that my psych was dealing with quite expertly already. I told her previously that I did not come to her for that.

She also kept saying I needed to leave(which I plan on doing, but have to work up to), but she tried to force me to and act like it was nothing more than leaving the house. I have anxiety, agoraphobia, no finances, no connections, and I can barely even leave the house. But I'm gonna hop in a car and just go and head to a shelter and get my divorce tomorrow! She kept trying to shove me through a tube to make herself feel better. At this point, I am not able to work. There is so much stuff I'm still working on... but at least I am. She even dismissed this.She dismissed my psych's work as well! Things would only work if you did it her way. It's complete and utter BS. It's people like her that only use this profession, this subject, as means to gain some kind of superiority. Some false notion of being a wise savior.

To all this. I say, "F*** that!" Or in the more refined, Janeway sense of things.

If you're curious about that last session. I'm going to get conveniently ill that day since SO doesn't want to cancel. Refuse to deal with that person's nefariousness. A day with tea, reading some mysteries, and some coursework sounds like the best solution.

"Not my monkeys, not my circus!"

Not feelin' so great.

Had a check-in thing with my advisor at university and got chastised for not getting something done sooner. Funny, considering this is an online education where you go at your own pace. X_X; He asked me if I just didn't feel like doing it or just didn't get around to it?

I've been sitting here every day trying to focus on the monitor. Taking notes, trying not to go back to bed, trying to absorb the knowledge while combating brain fog and dashed concentration. I'm nearly done with the class, but it's not good enough. If you look at my progress so far, I've made SAP every time despite these things. But my online university touts people who make insane amounts of progress- basically turning the place into a diploma mill. I get e-mails from my advisor telling people to congratulate them. Nope. If anything, it fuels my inadequacy and procrastination even more. Considering I'm finishing up a class in a month and a quarter, I wish to be treated respectfully.

And the stigma of trauma and anxiety continues. I need to take a breather and cool down before I start working on it again. I'm so frustrated.

@wizeakre @calmLake1999 @purpleWest8143 @PerfectStorm426

Hey everyone.

I flew off for a few days to brood about somethings but have otherwise been reading on here and sending some background support. Really needed to think about things. Wanted to thank all of you for your amazing support.

And nah, it's cool if sometimes stuff turns into advice or something. I know it's not meant as something harmful. It's all good. Something we all do every so often. I think I do need to be more active, though. I feel a helluva a lot better when I exercise or do some yoga. Feels like I got something done plus it gets things moving in so many ways! Anyway...

After all this I got an e-mail telling me that I qualified for a need grant and got half my loans taken care of for this semester/term thing. Woo! You folks are like my good luck charms. <3 I feel way more positive after coming on here. Been spending way too much time in my head lately. Coming here helps that, too. To come out and see other people's thoughts and humanity.

Been struggling with home life stuff. Brooding, depression, procrastination, and some other things. Managed to pinpoint why this triggered me so much. It's exactly like how my abusive relatives have treated me. Or the bullies that gave their unsolicited judgments. Told that I need to do it fast, better, whatever. "How come you're not doing it faster?! I could've blahblahblah..." Not only that. The creepy idol worship of the people who spam credits. "Look what they did! They're SO amazing! Come and pay homage!"

Yeah, maybe I'm projecting my old crap onto the situation but it's too damn close. "It's never good enough unless you're like the golden child! Remember that! TRY HARDER!"

The situation has been extended today.

Got one of his stupid motivational e-mails today. Surprisingly it wasn't about the harrowing idol worship BS. *sighs* So....I know there are Christians floating around here that'll understand this next part pretty well. Y'know that thing when a pastor will try to be like the pastors they see on tv or a freakin' Hallmark movie? Where they stand up at their Godforsaken podium and passive-aggressively point out a problem with one of the flock. Giving very general statements, but the people around them that knew even slightly about their situation would know exactly what they meant? Okay, I know it's kinda complex. But that happened.

Get this e-mail from him where it says that struggling students who aren't making their deadlines need to seek help and all this crap with an inspirational meme attached about the same thing. I just want to slap something.

I'm only two weeks "behind" in my class and it's not because I don't f***ing understand the material! It's been my PTSD/disassociation and anxiety issues at large. Not to mention triggery ass financial shit. I was originally going to set my class completion at the month and two weeks point, anyway. Will next time.

I've got more to say on this. Including a realization concerning the strategy of my darling peers. Let's just say it goes like this: Take pre-test, select areas that need improving, only learn select material, test out. Wash, rinse, repeat. Whee! They openly admit this stuff. In fact, the school tells you to use this strategy for credit farming. So basically, my B.S. is a giant certification more than an education.

These people even laugh and say they're only getting this for a checkbox in such a haughty manner. I don't care if they wave around their perfect test scores on reddit and boast like the brats they are. They obviously have learned the material. They've simply skimmed and memorized the material.

Apparently this crazy b**** over here is the only one treating it like an actual degree. XD Here's a quote from Voltaire that embodies my feelings towards the situation.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey you! It's just sheer luck I found your nrw page! Can't wait to explore with you amd support you! 💞💗💓

Hi Cal! My Pigeon friend!🙄💞

My diary is called "A Raven's Eye". I haven't written anything there yet. Know you are welcome to fly in anytime. ☺