The Fire
Hi all, I am Di and new to the Trauma Forum. I am new to just about everything. I am going to try to tell my story. Please feel free to ask me questions or comment.
I am 56, born and raised in Paradise California. I have 3 beautiful 20 something kids. Life was going great until November 8th, 2018.
It was terribly windy on that morning. I was surprised that at 7 am it was so darn dark. I walked outside and smelled smoke. My bf of 14 years and I were watching the local news trying to see where the fire was at. I called my daughter, in Tahoe at the time, and she told me to calm down, that all would be ok. That is when I heard the first bomb go off. It was loud, then more and more, faster and louder. My sons beeped in. they told me to evacuate, there apt was burning down in town. At that moment, I saw that my roof had caught fire. Before I could even tell my boys, the line went dead. We could only grab a purse and my mothers handmade quilts. We had maybe 1 to 2 minutes to get out. When we got in the car, we realized the bombs were propane tanks blowing up. After 6 hours of hell we finally made it down to Chico although my car burned up.
I am numb right now. It is like it wasnt me and my town. I cant get away from it either. Lawyers, insurance, land, blah blah blah it is something everyday. I am so so LOST I dont even know what to type. Thank you all so much for letting me share. Everyone has been so kind.
My entire town burned down. Mayhem . They tell me I was disassociating until about 10 days ago reality came to collect. I am new to all the language of trauma so please excuse me . I am learning. I am so lost. My sister, her kids, my kids are Alive. My brother was one of 85 who passed that day. No clue what so ever on what I am doing.
@95969 oh my god, i am so, so, so sorry.
@dworth257
thank you
@dworth257
I don't want to trigger anyone. I have no idea if I can type about what happened without upsetting others?
@95969 No problem, just write TRIGGER WARNING at the top of your post. ,
95969 was my zip code.
I was wondering about your numbers too. Our minds do amazing things to help us survive- so many hugs to you. Once again whenever I have a pity party about my life- it helps to think about your situation and strength to move forward.
@barncat
I can tell just by your comments in 7 cups, you have such a kind inner soul. Thank you, so much.
I need to STOP !
No idea what this is...Obsessing? Wallowing? Looping? Ruminating? or is it Accepting? Working? Grieving? Connecting? It is difficult to know if what one does is healthy or not.
I have been listening to this song over and over and over. It makes me feel sad and connected all in one dose.
I just dont know. I have heard some befriend their negative feelings. Am I doing that? Am I over psychoanalysing ? Every day another battle. I am to old for this sh**.
@95969
Maybe the song helps you to feel the emotions you are escaping with dissociation in a safe and bearable way. It's not necessarily bad, as long as you can also say "enough" and step out of it after a while, and do the rest of the things you have to do and that you would like to do in your day. There has to be time for grief and feeling, as long as you are don't loose yourself in it. Hopefully time will make it easier to understand what's happening and find your balance, and in the future you'll need to "obsess" with this feelings less. Hugs and lots of support 
I can only imagine how terrible it was to go through all of that
@GhostlyLilian
@95969- thank you for your kind words to myself and others. An amazing visit this Xmas with my 94yo mother in a memory care unit gave me the revelation that she is distilled to her essence of LOVE. When I show her photo smiling to friends- the universal comment is "how beautiful" they view her. She never considered herself lovely/beautiful etc. Caring and LOVE is the most important "thing" in the world. I wish you LOVE!!!!
@barncat
So kind and unselfish!!. Thank you. I know what you say is true. I worked at a hospital for 35 years. You , my friend, would be such a great nurse. I aspire to have your attitude. I am so blessed to find those like you in this community.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLx7UZtckzU&feature=youtu.
They use words like....strong,resilience, rise up, prosper, flourish
These words do not want to escape my lips
Lost, cold, heartbroken, isolated, victim, displaced, refugee, these are words that we all really use. I need to resign myself to the fact that all of us know . Our language now will always and forever be
BEFORE..............AFTER
I want to go home.
@95969
I think seeing strength, resilience and positivity in ourselves is something all survivors struggle with, for sure I can say this for myself, you're not alone in this, and just because you don't feel you're strong enough to overcome this, it doesn't mean it's true. Felling are legit, but luckily, they're not always realistic.
Right, there's before and after, and you're experiencing the bitter part of the immediate after. But who's to say that you won't be able to take all these battles that trauma puts you through, and slowly, piece by piece, shape them into something more complex and beautiful than it was before? An "after" that you can talk proudly of? All is not lost, what happened doesn't necessarily mean that your life can only be worse than it was before. It will be different, but non necessarily forever for the worse
@GhostlyLilian
*feelings are legit
Why don't I read comments before posting them?
@GhostlyLilian
Thank you. I want so longingly to believe you. My head knows you are correct. I know you are correct. Right. I spoke on the phone with my neighbor last night. It broke my heart. I just don't understand human nature. I was relieved to here they are as messed up as me. Anyway, I am glad they called. 7 cups has been better for me in the last 2 weeks than my incredibly uneducated therapist. Especially this forum. Thank you so much. Really, thank you.
@95969- I agree - 7 cups was a life saver for myself also last summer. somehow connecting with other broken/depressed/sad/angry people made me feel less alone. I met someone in December after I learned about the loss of my 4th horse- during her cigarette break outside Value Village- she had more empathy for my loss than my father. Her wisdom was "I want to replace my family with strangers".
@barncat
LOLOLOL I tell ya human nature is sooo wierd.
And I am sorry about your horse....sad
Hope you had a good day!!!!
@barncat
I not clear what I was thinking when I wrote you. Lolol? No idea . Human frieking nature. It is odd though how strangers can have more empathy than those closest to us.
I was chatting with @Lauren yesterday. My community can be difficult to talk to. One night I will get a call and I just can't......the next I will call and they can't. Forums are difficult ( I believe that to be true in here also) because it is trying to chronicle the events of what is going on . Sorry about that odd post. No idea. Be well
@95969
My sleep deprived mind. When I say we can't it is can't as in emotionally.
@95969 i read your posts. Yes myself and others have and are going through so much. Sometimes other stories put things into perspective. I guess in your scenario u can take the positives. But my heart im sure others goes out to you all. I was over 4 years ago meeting folk from your region and had received such a welcome. Therefore im replying to you to return the friendship and wish you well.
@Gujon3073
I had to compose myself before I wrote you. My heart filled with pride.
I am so grateful that you got to meet my community before....
A bit choked up right now.
Thank you....thank you
@95969 please dont be. People like exist for a reason. Its the likes of your soul that will strengthen your community together and heal your family. Yes they are words but u know iys true deep down. Were routing for you.
@Gujon3073
I re-read your post. I used to never allow myself to grieve. How could I? I work in a hospital and saw so so much worse. I have learned that no matter what, when, how, a incident makes your heart ache it is infact the same ache. Just as deep, just as valid. Loneliness, anxiety, depression can easily be bad no matter why.
So be well, we all hurt. I am so truly sorry for yours.
@95969-more of what you share makes sense- you worked in a hospital too. We had to be present for so much suffering on a daily basis- then suck it up- move on - and go back for another day. I hope and pray you are getting the support and love that you deserve.
From 13 months of a mind fog/ trauma trance. 1 wk of just gathering info. Brutal. 2.3 was of reality. Felt lost , grieved, a pinch of anger. No more flash backs. No more night terrors. Insomnia is ...not worse. I can't seem to have anything but apathy in its root form for myself. I am hypersensitive to others pain. If you can't sleep....go read yours and others story. Every post, every word they type is just like mine in that there is such profound feelings. As I read I felt no pity but intense empathy. So many posts. Behind each and everyone word is another's life. ( I am not stoned....lolol). Sometimes I think it is the most raw beautiful thing I've ever seen. I get overwhelmed. No idea what is going on with me. Just resigned.
