This is probably gonna be long
September-November was hell for my mental state. I havent had to deal w crushes or people liking me or emotions in over 2 years. Then, at the end of September, this group of girls in my club invited me to their apt for drinks. I figured it was as good a way as any to make friends since I didnt know them that well yet.
The issue is that one of them (Ill refer to them as A) kept making me drink more and more (way more than they did). Double my normal limit but I managed to stay conscious/not throw up somehow. Theyre also naturally super touchy people, and Im not. By the end of the night I felt violated, since they put their hands up my shirt and felt up my leg w/o me wanting or consenting to this.
This led to small panic attacks any time one of them was in the same room as me throughout the week. At the same time I somehow ended up w a crush on one of them, and they already had a crush on me. At a club event later, A confronted me on the panic attacks by telling me that bc I hugged them/held hands w them that any violation was both ways and so bc she didnt feel bad about it then neither should I. I was mad about that but also had no way to make it home if I just left their apt. This is week 1. Ill probably add to this as I come more to terms w the whole saga
@Mode
Thanks for being so brave and coming forward with this. Did you know that the #1 drug used in sexual assaults and the like is actually alcohol? It's used so much that we don't really think about it that way, but it is used to control someone's inhibitions and ability to reason and make decisions that a sober verion of themself would make. I think that it has the added bonus of shrugging off their own responsibilities. Potential perpetrators can say "Oh I was just drunk, I didn't mean it" or something like that like what they did wasn't their fault. It sounds like these girls are using alcohol as a cover to not confront what they did. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It must be very confusing and ... feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but for me, this would make feelings of shame really unbearable. Like I didn't want it but I did it anyway. It is common for survivors to be angry with themselves for not fighting back enough or not stopping what happened.
The fact is though, that you were not in control of the situation. They targeted you and manipulated you. It sounds liek you did not give enthusiastic constant consent, which is necessary. Also, it's common to develop feelings for your perpetrator. It is common to even enter into a relationship with them. People do this because they don't want to face what happened and the fact that it wasn't in their control or their choice. It's very hard to confront those ideas so we rationalize it that maybe we did want what happened. But the fact that you're reaching out here with your pain and your doubts... it sounds like you're worried about all this already. I'm really proud of you for reaching out about this, because it is so hard to overcome the shame, so you are incredibly strong and brave. We are here for you <3