Trauma response to intimacy - no boundaries

So, I went to this shop today. I Knew better ( I am blaming myself). The guy that works there ( but hes not always there) hits on me so bd that it is uncomfy. He takes me behind the curtain to the backgroom and does things to me/with me/me to him that I HATE and I DONT WANT to do. Sometimes I diasociate through it all. Sometimes I freeze in terror and as soon as I can - I make a run out of the backgroom , away from him and out the door.

I have major issues with boundaries bc no one ever listens to them ( in an intimate setting), no doesnt mean no ( hiostory of me) and it is almost like my " duty" to do whatthey say and then run like hell when I can. Also, I kinda think it's rude to not. Very messed up - yes :( Because I Hate every minute and im terrified.

Today I had to go to the shop for something that was in another store but so far away that I needed. I thought, go early, he wont be there. He was there. I froze in shame and panic. He took me behind that curtain again. My skin crawled. I wanted to die. But I was lucky today - I got away a lot faster by promising to come back tonight....i didnt't.

Anyways - came home and could not stand to be in my skin - was crawling out of it. Was so shamed and embaressed and hated myself. I SHed ""THERE"". I didn't care if and what kind of damage I would be doing. It made me numb and made everything go away. I needed that - to function. I can't go through more and more of this.

That is all I am and all I ever have been and I guess - all I ever will be. I rather be alone than be THAT. I Do try to avoid sexually intrested people - at all times. I am terrified of it. Because this crap is what goes down.