Trauma, sexual abuse, Trigger Warning.

Hey, i hope this is the right place and is all okay to write on here and is a safe place? Just want to rant/vent.

(And ive wrote mostly about how i feel, not the event its self which i hope is okay)

I do not have PTSD, though i do find what i went through very traumatising. And have anorexia, depression and BPD. Someone i was in a relationship with would lock me up and woudlnt let me go toilet and then would press very hard down on my bladder & would make me pee on him which happened for nearly 3 days. And was an act he sexualised.

His intention im guessing was to have control and to make me feel humilated and disgusting. I now still feel out of control with my body and i suppose my eating disorder is to cope with that and to see control over my body by losing weight.

What i find the most upsetting which i think about on a daily 24 hour basis, is the fact, he may of wanted me to feel disgusting and humilated at that time, and of corse he achieved that, but it wasnt just at that moment, it is everyday of how i feel is what he wanted, everyday i basically give the satification of feeling disgusting. And i really domt know much longer i can let him when by just simiply being alive. I dont exactly want to die but i feel like i need to otherwise he is winning every single day.

I cant get over it either. I hate myself for what i did. I think of many alternatives of ways i could of aviod the whole thing by simply not being stupid and thats where all tbe self blame comes in all the time. I feel disgusted when i look at myself and makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.

I have had help for rape but its not what affected me, thought rape was also very traumatising, its this situation, that makes me hate myself and i can never properly talk about it because its shameful and i dont wnt someone to look at me like scum of the earth. i dont believe i can forgive myself or move on by myself. But i think seeking help for it would make me feel more disgusting and hate myself more if others knew how disgustint i am.. or how i feel, wouldnt feel justified and something to get over but if anyone can imagine how horrible and how suffocated, disgusted, and out of control i felt with my own body, they wouldnt understand to the extend of how it feels and id know it would get minimised. And It can never be undone and i will never forget about it, which makes me feel sick and i want to die. The only things i want are impossible so i feel no reason to live. To just feed into what he wanted.

And its worse when i start convicing myself i made him into such a bad person myself and believe he would never do it to other people. Cause its not exactly impossible that with the wrong mix of two people one can make the other into a horrible person which i think is what happened. Just by the way i acted, i let him think it was okay even though i clearly didnt want it and let him think is okay to disrespect me cause i was no one. But i think others would have more of a back bone and wouldnt of been so weak.cause im just the shy girl that doesnt really have a vioce even when i am shouting no.

Im sorry if most of that didnt make much sense but makes a lot of sense to me. But thank you for reading