Ugh. What a week. (TW: Mentioning of Flashbacks to Trauma, Cursing, and Self-Loathing.... lots of it)

okay so i dont know if i got the trigger warning thing correct but um i tried.

Well there's a few things i want to get off my chest.

1) My parents keep on trying to find reminders to show me about how terrible of a person i am and i just feel like such a monster some times. i just look in the mirror and i question myself, who have i become? why did i put myself in this situation? i just dont recognize the face looking back at me in the mirror. i dont like who ive become. i hate this version of me. i hate who i am. theres times where i wonder why i cant just stop. why i cant just take a break from it all. just to breathe. i just keep on pushing. i keep on pretending things are fine so i can go on. its the only way i can live for a while. i cant take a break and reflect. i cant even process my nightmares. i just feel like if i stop then its all going to come back rushing in. thats why i just need a break. i need to be pulled away from this. i need to remember how it is to feel. i fucking despise who i am. thats why i dont pay attention to how im feeling. it just doesnt feel necessary to shed light on the emotions of one that destroys.

2) I was admitted into the hospital friday night after a really bad anxiety attack. I was sleeping and I guess my family got home while I still was. I was having a terrible nightmare of what happened but instead of it being me as a child it was me now on the couch that I was sleeping on. Luckily I was able to wake myself up, but as soon as I opened my eyes he was there near the kitchen. Obviously I freaked out because hes the last person I need to see after a nightmare like that, so I stormed out the house to catch my breath. My grandmother came after me and squeezed my body to try to get me to go inside. i dont remember much about what she said because I was so focused on not losing it when she was touching me. I didnt need to be touched while having a panic attack let alone waking up from such a horrendous nightmare. When I asked her to stop she told me that she was my grandmother and I should never say something like that. She pulled me into the house and I told her I was going to the backyard to calm down. Luckily I was out there for 6 minutes and I was beginning to calm down, but then my grandfather came out and grabbed my shoulder and told me to tell him what was wrong. Once again I was being grabbed so I shook even more and my grandparents just thought I was cold. After he went in to go to sleep my grandmother came outside and told me that i let her and the family down and she doesnt know how anyone could forgive me. At that moment I just lost it. I couldnt keep on going. I didnt have anything harmful near me so I began to dig my nails into my skin and shake even more. I went inside and my grandmother kept on telling me to stop moving and touched my body and held it in order to stop me from shaking but obviously it got worse. My mother offered me to go to the hospital which I agreed to because I knew I wasnt going to be able to make it through the night. My father got home and before we left for the hospital he talked to me outside. I told him everything and told me that I need to get used to it. That I cant freak out over things like that. That there is no reason to have an anxiety attack. He constantly was invalidating how I was feeling and the cherry on top he added that I need to work harder to fix things. I know that but I didnt need to hear it at that time. On my way in the house to grab my things my mother looked at me and told me to stop faking it. She said i was fucking awake when they walked in apparently. According to her I guess I was just faking it all. The anxiety attack was just a stunt done in order for attention, I faked my nightmare because you know, Why Not? I did all of that and hospitalized myself because I simply just wanted to lie to everyone including myself. I just need to get used to the fact that she will never understand me. See my side. Accept how I feel. Because its too surreal for her. I need to accept that and move on. But I just cant forgive and forget. I promised myself this year that there is no point in wasting my time with people who dont truly get me and try to. I dont know. its just that those words hurt so much they keep on replaying in my head. Sometimes its all that I hear.

-

-

-

wow that's alot and i'd be surprised if you guys read it to the end.