Uncomfortable sexually

You're not a loser, dude. You're not a freak. People respond to abuse in different ways. You never asked for what happened to you, and it is not your fault. You had something bad happen to you, and it changed the way you feel about yourself as a sexual being. If all "manning up" means is conforming to someone else's unrealistic expectations, forget about that. Your path is your own, and wherever you're at on it, is just fine. If you ever feel like you need someone to listen, feel free to drop me a line.

@littleBIGrobot

hello
it takes courage to talk about experiences that are hard to talk about. i'm really really sorry that happened to you and at such a young age... there's no excuse for it. really glad to hear you are doing better now. i wish you the best.
i am not sure if you have come across asexuality, but in the asexual spectrum, many who have not have negative sexual experiences experience similar things that you have described. maybe you could read up asexuality, demisexuailty and gray-asexuality. i hope they help you in understanding some things better, and help you feel more better about yourself. take care <3

@littleBIGrobot
Thank you for sharing this with us. It takes great courage to talk about these things and you have shown amazing strength in reaching out to us for support. What happened to you as a child was not your fault and you not to blame. I'm really glad that you have chosen to talk about this, and I want you to know this is a safe space to do so. I know that it isn't easy as I have had to overcome many of the same struggles as you. What you have described is such a common reaction to the abuse you suffered in childhood. Many people struggle with this and it is understandable that you would feel uncomfortable with intimacy after everything you went through, especially at such a young age. You mentioned that for a long time you have tried to "block out" the painful memories. You are not alone in wanting to do that. This is a common reaction to trauma called avoidance and its a survival tactic which helps to protect us -- however it means that the memories are never fully processed. Years of research have shown that traumatic memories are stored differently to normal memories too and very often survivors don't remember the exact details or the events themselves and the emotions associated with those events for a very long time or sometimes forever. It is only when those memories are triggered that we feel the anxiety relating to those events as if it were in real time. It is completely understandable that intimacy would be a trigger for you, especially when it comes to the physical act of someone pleasing you. You are not a freak and you not a loser - you are someone who has been through unimaginable pain and your reaction to intimacy is not wrong - there is no wrong way to feel, what you're feeling is completely valid and in fact also very common. You are not alone. You have been through something very traumatic that your brain has most likely not yet been able to process and I would encourage you to explore these experiences with someone qualified who will be able to help you overcome this. You deserve help and support in abundance and I want you to reassure you that the way you feel now about intimacy, it doesn't always have to feel that way, there is every possibility that you can overcome this and you may be able to work through your experiences in such a way that they don't affect you in future. Or it may be too that intimacy is something you're never comfortable with in the future, and that is also okay - remember that if you don't want to do something you certainly won't enjoy it and you have a right to say what you do and don't want to do - communication and honesty in any future relationship will be key. You are more than welcome to contact me if you ever need some to chat to. Take care.

Thanks guys, I guess I just get frustrated when things get weird for me. I usually just blame myself for it, then I blame my past, I know neither is the right thing to do. I should probably look into some professional help.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I just wanted to say something. Those other guys are wrong those girls are wrong. The majority of the world is wrong. Perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong people. Sex is for a married husband and wife. Anything outside of that arrangement is wrong. It causes bad things to happen.

You could not do anything really when you were 6. You were not taught what to do if something happened because most people don't think to teach children about this because they think they are babies and shouldn't hear about that not everyone is good. And it is really unthinkable for something like this to happen so parents don't think about it. Most children aren't taught about their private parts and what shouldn't be done. Or if they are they are taught one time and avoid talking about it. But children need reminders.

Now that you are older you can decide for your self. Perhaps you are better off than your so called friends because you didn't go after every girl. They have sex just because it is expected of them because that is what the media portrays. They ignore their conscience and they ignore doctors and the statistics that tell everyone that promiscuity leads to diseases and broken hearts. For a few moments of pleasure you are chancing a lifetime of misery.

On the other hand if you wait and find someone worth living with for the rest of your life then it will be safe to explore sex together. Oh, and if the sex isn't good today then there is always tomorrow or the day after to try it again with your wife. Because she will be there for you and you for her.

I was abused and raped in my teens. My husband knows my past, but he makes me uncomfortable with some of his behaviour. I have told him how it makes me feel, but it is still happening. I don't like it, but I'm not sure if it is abuse. I think it may be, as it is making me feel this way, or am I getting the lines blurred because of.my past?

Robot, My heart goes out to you. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You've been through something painful and confusing and it makes sense that it would manifest within your relationships. Cut yourself some slack. I am proud of you for sharing your story and being brave enough to say it outloud. Working through these kinds of things is difficult but the reward is tremendous. Please always remember that you are deserving and worthy of meaningful connects. Your sensibility is not based on your sexual activity. While I am saddened by your pain and discomfort, I do not want you to feel shameful about your modesty. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and being selective about who you get close to. Some would even call that wise. Have you considered treatment? It may help you work through the feelings you're having while addressing the effect it's had on your self esteem. You are incredibly strong and admirable. Have a beautiful day.

Hi, first of all you are not a loser. At least you had sex once, that is more than I had. I am 37 years old but I have never had sex because I was molested when I was 7 or 8 years old and therefore I freeze up whenever anyone touches me in anyway at all. Until I read some of these post I thought that I was alone but it does make me feel better to know that I am not alone. I mean people consider it fine for a woman to be less experienced but at 37, I should have a little bit experience though.