Whatever it Takes
Hello, I'm Singer.
The title of my thread is my current favorite song, by Imagine Dragons, which I played at least 10-15 times yesterday. I think it will serve to inspire me to keep on going, as I have already through thick or thin, doing "whatever it takes" to try and help myself, to hang in there, to make some sort of beauty and meaning and inspiration out of it all.
I know I have not always been this way. I have many, many positive memories. I don't know exactly what dissociation is, but I know I do it to some extent from time to time. I also know I resonate strongly with themes of being a warrior.
I hope to find a trauma therapist who is full of compassion and will help me. Until then, and after then, here I am, doing the best that I can to try to heal, to try to take care of myself, and to try to live the daring, brilliant, innovative life I aspire to.
My most recent therapist mentioned "attachment trauma" was what to address. I had to let her go, by the way, because I didn't trust her personally anymore. I trust her observations about me, but I did not trust her in relationship.
Signing out,
Singer
@singercrystalspirit Hey Singer, lovely to see you have created your diary 
I hope it helps you in the way that you need it to for you.
I dont know Imagine Dragons, so I am going to have to look that one up!!!! Do whatever you need to inspire you to keep going. Rest when you need to, but don't give up!! You are a strong warrior even in times you may not feel so.
Dissociation is the brains way of coping with the unbearable or what feels too much to deal with at a given time. Its a protection, a way of helping you to get by. It can come with its own sets of problems for those who do dissociate, but at the core, when it initially occured, it got you to where you are today.
I hope you can find a good therapist with whom you can feel safe, with whom you can trust in so far as your able. I think its important for you to feel safe with a therapist when working on trauma issues and if your gut instinct says no I dont feel this is the right person for me, perhaps listen to that. Sometimes people have to try a few people, until they come across the one that feels right for them. Always hold onto the fact that you are doing the best that you can to try to heal, to try and take care of yourself, and to try and live the daring, brilliant, innovative life that you are aspiring to
I think I have found a therapist!
She does not specialize in all of the things I was seeking, but, I like her, and I like the way she talks to me. I like what she reflects back to me. She does specialize in anxiety and depression, and relationships, so at least she can help me work on managing anxiety and depression and she said she will help me work on the ROOT too (which according to my last therapist is, in part, trauma).
I found her on a website called betterhelp and I don't want to get my hopes up, but I am feeling excited about working with her for at least a short while and seeing what we can accomplish.
Until next time.
@singercrystalspirit Sounds good re the therapist, is that an online therapist? I wonder how it would feel it have a face to face therapist, or whether you prefer the online kind of therapy? Sometimes trust your instincts when it comes to whether you feel you can work with a therapist, they may not be experienced in everything we need, but sometimes we just click with someone and that feels right. Check out everything you need to know about whats on offer, so you can make an informed decision about whether to go with this therapist
@dancingRainbow45
Thanks!! Yes, it's an online therapist; I need an online therapist right now (if I have one at all right now), as I moved out of my apartment and am on a four-week-long road trip, and deciding where to move next. I prefer face to face communication in general, but it's SO much cheaper this way! Thank you for saying to trust my instincts.... my instincts are already telling me to run from this one, even though I thought I liked her. Sigh. Frustrating, as she's my third try, but I'm trying to decide whether to keep going with her or whether to say goodbye. She's communicating well but I feel like we're bumping on some important things. Maybe I can learn a bit from her, and then move on? I would really love to click with someone, and I do like some things about this one. True about being informed -- I really don't like one major thing about this therapist.... urgh. Tough decision.
@singercrystalspirit I think gut instincts are there for a reason and are usually the correct ones nine times out of ten. It can be frustrating to find a therapist to click with and often people try different therapists several times over until they find the one for them. Perhaps try talking to the therapist on the areas you feel you are bumping on, see what their response is and perhaps reconsider how you feel after you have had a chance to speak to them perhaps. I too think face to face is the preferred option for many but from your current circumstances perhaps online is the best option for you currently :)
@singercrystalspirit
I'm excited for you Singer! I met my therapist on that site too and she's fantastic.
@MKJart
You did!? That's amazing! Thank you so much for telling me! I am deciding now whether to stay with this one (I commented why to dancing Rainbow above) for the time being or to keep searching.
@singercrystalspirit
I'm with Rain. Trust your instincts because you deserve to feel completley cared for in your therapeutic alligence.
@MKJart Well said and absolutely does
@dancingRainbow45 @MKJart
I just replied on another thread lol. It's difficult for me to differentiate my INSTINCTS from ANXIETY.
Is my anxiety telling me to run when I don't need to run? Or is it my instincts and I need to listen?
I would like to think to just trust my instincts. Life would be easier that way, I would think.
@singercrystalspirit I think thats a hard one to figure because if you add in fear there it makes things even more complicating. You may be getting a feeling to run based on feelings that stem from the past, that stem from the inner child who still believes they are in danger, that there is a need to run to protect themselves. Sometimes when we feel like running in the present, that is very much being fed from fear coming from unresolved trauma, hurts etc. Sometimes our mind, our brain, our feelings send off alerts, that we need to run, that we are in danger, or will get hurt etc or whatever message is linked to that alert but its not always good at distinguishing the then and now. It may be there is no need in the present day here and now to run but something within is saying the danger or need to run still exists. Sometimes its a matter of working out does that fear or anxiety stem from the past, or is there some reason in the present why the need to run is there. Often we have a choice when scared, to run, to fight, to freeze. Sometimes we can mix up past and present and are not always able to see that actually there is no need to run now.
@dancingRainbow45
You're so right Rain! I try to tell myself that I'm safe now, even if it doesn't feel like it. Eventually it may work more often, but it's a start.
@MKJart It can help to remind ourselves and tell ourselves sometimes even if as you say it may not feel that way. Its a bit like having to retrain the brain into accepting you are safe rather than listening to old messages it decides to replay over and over
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you!!! I think I'm starting to see that maybe, for example, this therapist is OK... I've spoken with her extensively now and she understands Christianity being a trigger for me and is working on helping me separate "blanket Christianity" from the things that hurt me. Which I think is good for me considering one of my important relationships (mom) is an evangelical Christian.
I am also starting to see that I might want to go back to the film industry... just because I don't like Los Angeles, and just because I had a couple of bad work experiences, doesn't have to mean the whole industry isn't for me. It might mean that. But it doesn't have to mean that.
@singercrystalspirit
It would for me too, but it's been a real challenhge for me at times.
Singer here, signing on.
Not sure how it's going with my current therapist. She says she can treat my anxiety, and she says we can get to the root, but I have my doubts. I just don't think it's right. Is this anxiety worrying for no good reason? Or is this my instinct steering me away?
My previous therapist who I mentioned that I quit told me that the only thing that was "wrong" with me was that I have had too many people my whole life telling me that there was something "wrong" with me. I liked that.
My brother flew out to go back home across the country yesterday, and I'm here on my road trip alone now. I'm farther away from anyone I know than I have ever been before. :-O
Signing out for now.
@singercrystalspirit
Bravo for you for solo trip. I hope you learn to trust yourself (I hope the same for myself)
I don't know if this helps but sometimes I like to worst-case scenario things for perspective.
Test out this new alliance with the counselor. If it doesn't work what's the worst that can happen? You can always tell her "Thank you but no thanks," if it becomes abundantly clear that it is not in your best interest. Maybe eventually your truth will become clear. (Again hoping same for myself)
Safe and fulfilling travels to you.
@themainjane
Thank you!! That actually sounds similar to a very exercise the counselor is having me so called "follow your anxiety" where you basically ask yourself "Ok, if that worry happens... then what?"
Happy Wednesday, self.
I'm feeling really discouraged right now. My last couchsurfing host was really a dick, and so instead of him tonight im staying with someone else who is a different kind of dick (who I stayed with the night before).
I'm beating myself up by saying why do I get myself into these kinds of situations... Why did I even go on this road trip.... Why didn't I plan it better.... Why am I such a loser that I don't get up the motivation right now to find a better place. But I'm just so tired. And then I'm telling myself that's just an excuse and it's my fault my life sucks, for being forever full of excuses.
I'd rather be kind to myself, but I am imagining other people judging me. Because this guy I stayed with was a dick and totally judged me. I've been eating junk food, too. 😔 And I'm so tired. My digestion is even off.
I just want to go home and I don't have a home to go to 😥. I feel scared that I won't find one; scared I won't find a tribe where I belong. And my money has run out; I'm living off a credit card. And I strongly feel that I should *not* go on the work trip next month that is guaranteed to bring me in a couple thousand dollars if I go. I feel like a vagabond... that's what this guy called me. I REALLY didn't like him and I feel ashamed of myself that I stayed with him and put up with him for an entire day after deciding I didn't like him.
Happy Wednesday, self. Signing in here.
I'm back in LA for two days. (Yesterday was day one). Road trip is complete.
I'm leaving again tomorrow early AM for Rhode Island -- work trip. I'll be gone there for three and a half weeks.
I need some time to adjust, to process.... a lot has happened, and a lot has changed. I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I could tell. I got quite anxious, and just recently, I cried. I need a hug, to be honest. I want to see my friends, and to hug them. I am sad that I am not getting to see everyone while I am here in town... and I feel sad that not everyone seemed to want to see me. Maybe it isn't their fault, or intentional... maybe they felt like I didn't want to see them. Maybe I am overthinking it. I am tired, and exhausted, and I have so much to get done anyway that I don't even have time to see them all, even though I wish I did. I feel guilty. And I also feel angry, because I wish certain people had reached out wanting to see me in the short time that I am here; wish they had expressed caring to that extent. People who I had thought were good friends of mine. I feel hurt, and confused. I don't know if it's my fault, for not staying in touch better... or whether it's them, not expressing enough care.
I also feel upset that my parents don't seem to care as much about what's going on in my life, as they do with what's going on in their own lives and the lives of my siblings. I feel like I am a little lower on the totem pole to them than other things, and that hurts. A lot. Because these are HUGE important changes happening for me, and I want to be excited for my own life! But when I call my mom, all she does is talk about what is going on for her and everyone else... we had an entire conversation last night, and none of it was about my humongous and epic journey that I just finished. I feel really hurt and I am crying thinking about how much she hurts me sometimes, and how I wish it didn't affect me, I wish I wouldn't continue to put myself in a situation with her where I get hurt. But I don't know what else to do... I do want to be in touch with my family. I am trying so hard to have everything I want.
I feel this sadness... it feels familiar; I've felt it before.
I'm not really done writing. I want to keep writing and writing. I'm upset, and I want to get a lot out. But I have a lot to get done today. I don't like getting things done when my energy is unsettled like this. I don't like pushing it away to deal with later. I guess I just have to remember that I am OK, and that I will be OK, even though I feel (______ fill in the blank) right now, I am still OK and will continue to be OK, and it is just a feeling, and I am still in charge of my decisions and can choose to make whatever decisions I decided are most effective for me in this situation, even if my feelings don't currently match up with those decisions.
I am facing my fears.
Signing out. -Singer
@singercrystalspirit
You are strong, you are brave. You are obviously independent.
I'm sorry your mother responded the way she did. Just wanted to send you a *hug*
@themainjane
Huge-est *hug*. Thank you. You knew exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. *Hug again*.
Gooood morning.
Signing in. I've been thinking that I don't do such a bad job at life. I work pretty hard, at protecting myself. I prioritize keeping myself safe. I make decisions based in my best interests. I ought to value that more, and hold myself in higher regard for that. I don't do so bad. And I have things go well. I've grown, a lot. I'm valuable. I've had a lot of experience. I have a lot to offer.
I have a long way to go before I'm happy. But perhaps I can continue practicing finding happiness now. And building more happiness into my everyday life.
Take care.
-Singer
Happy Friday 
I'm frustrated today. I'm not feeling as well as I was on my road trip. I'm frustrated by my living environment here with the family I'm traveling/nannying for. It's not an ideal situation, and I KNEW it wasn't going to be. Every time I leave and come back, I tell myself it's going to be okay, and then I get back in the middle of the situation and it's really hard to deal with and I remember why I want to leave it. I've been with this family for three years now.
On top of that, I feel things aren't going well with my online therapist, AND my life coach that I hired hasn't been as responsive to my emails for the past several weeks. She seems to be sporadic, and it's been irritating me, especially considering I paid a LOT of money to hire her. I really liked the work that we were doing together, and I don't know why her behavior has changed.
I feel really unsupported in general recently, and like people aren't there that I can rely on. Touchstone people. I don't like it, and I feel anxiety and I kind of want to cry. Maybe everything is going to be all right. I just wish I had some stability, and some loving relationships who I knew would always be there. I may have pushed away someone awesome who wanted to be that for me... but I felt he was coming on too much too soon, and I've had negative experiences in the past with people who wanted to be close right away, and then they just disappeared one day. I didn't want that to happen again, so I tried to not have him get so close too soon.
UGH a lot is going on, a lot of feelings and emotions, and the environment I am in, I know is not the most optimal for me. But I did it for the money. I am worried whether I am going to make it, if I keep making these small decisions that add up to a life that isn't what I want it to be. Every decision seems to be of the utmost importance. Because once my energy level gets to this place of anxiety, the choices I'm making aren't very wise or in my highest interest.
I'm just really upset and directionless. I keep making decisions, and then going back on them. I DON'T LIKE THIS. This is the old me. I don't want it back. I don't want it back. I don't want it back. I WANT TO STICK TO MY DECISIONS.
Get me back on my road trip 
-Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Hi Singer, I'm so sorry to hear you had a terrible day on Friday. Are you doing better?
It can be so miscombobulating when you can't make up your mind on a decision. It happens to me sometimes too. I like to write pro and con lists if I'm waffling on a decision and add/subtract for it for a couple weeks. Then I hold myself to the most positive action in the end. My gosh it is sooo uncomfortable, however, in the long run, it's helped me make the best decisions for me.
Hope your weekend has been better,
Mary
@MKJart
Mary,
I am doing better!! Thank you!! My life coach got back to me in so much detail, and apologized for taking so long to respond and explained to me why, and it ended up being so supportive and helpful and it was anxiety I was having worrying about negative possibilities before.
The guy I might have messed up with... I've decided it's not my responsibility the way he's responding to me; and maybe he's not right for me in that context in the first place.
You all here have been SO supportive to me the past several days every time I've reached out, I'm really feeling supported.
I really like the way you add and subtract to your pro con list throughout a week and then take the "most positive" outcome. I think that could help me use pro con lists effectively, and I want to try that out. Thank you for that suggestion.
Love and take care; I hope your Sunday evening (if time zone) or past several hours have been relaxing.
-Singer
Monday, the 14th of Aug, checking in.
Boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries. How to be flexible enough, but not so much so.... [that one is encroached upon]. Must rely heavily on intuition here, and body signals/knowledge. This means must keep my passages clear...
This is unrelated, but I am unhappy with my life. I don't do what I want. I live in fear. Fear of what other people would think. Fear of having money. Fear of having money in the future. Fear that no one would be there to help me if I fell. Fear that people would turn up their noses, saying, "I'm not going to help you. You should have been more responsible." "You should have done ____ differently." "'I'll help you, but I'll make you feel really guilty about it and you'll owe me almost more than my help is worth."
I want to be brave. I want to be braver than I am. I am so sorry, self, for not being so brave.
Maybe I've been as brave as it's been possible to be.
I am so sorry, self, for all the times I've let you down. Will you ever forgive me? Even though I am likely to go on letting you down?
I am here, mixed with these people, whether I like it or not. I cannot keep such strict boundaries that I shut them out. I have to take this experience for what it is. I have to let it in. I chose this, and I have to deal with those consequences now. I hope I learn. I am not sure what I could have chosen differently.
My new friend offered to help me. I could choose that differently. I could choose to rely on his help.
I need a sign.
I've messed up; I've done something wrong; and I need help.
Dear diary,
I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD this afternoon. People keep fighting about white supremacists and Charlottesville and I want them all to SHUT THE EFF UP. I am really sick of certain issues being such hot spots for publicity and things like MY OWN BRAND OF TRAUMA are swept under the rug as less important because it isn't "institutionalized" (um, IT IS) or didn't happen on a mass scale (IT DOES), really it's because there isn't an easily identifiable and recognizable population who experiences it. That's why. I'm really effing mad and I don't know what to do about this energy. I'm on my second walk of the day blasting music and I am just so mad.
This is all just so stupid, I want to get off Facebook it's just making me mad. But I'm lonely, because I'm on this work trip and I want to be engaging with people. I'm also frustrated because my mom was rude to me this morning and didn't ask me how I was. And the guy I've been talking to every day suddenly stopped responding. And my friend didn't answer my text when I asked how he was. IS EVERYONE TOO DAMN BUSY FOR ME TODAY? I'm feeling like the energy is shifting around me, and I don't like it. I don't like anger and frustration about things I can't control.
And I'm bored. I have work I could do but I have all this anger energy. I'm restless. Exercise isn't helping get the en
@singercrystalspirit
Ugh even my diary entry freaking got cut off. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!
Finishing previous post now that I'm back at computer and off my phone.
Finished walk, and meditated. Still in really bad mood. Having all sorts of thoughts about how I'm not good enough (someone criticized me), how I'm doing the wrong thing, how I'm wrong... I know entering in to this spiral does no good. Can I stay out of the spiral?
Meeting a friend in 40 minutes. A friend who is challenging even in my best of moods. (I see him once a year, when I am in this part of the world).
I know, I know, I KNOW this is all because Mercury is in retrograde and the big eclipse is coming up....
I just had the inspiration that I need to make some art to soothe this. But I don't have any art materials. I mean, I have coloring materials but I don't want to color. I don't want to spend money on any, and at any rate, stores around here aren't open right now and I want some art materials for later tonight. Sigh. Maybe I'll hold off until Monday, the eclipse day; I'll have a car and freedom to drive. I can get art materials then (although I really don't want to spend money on them). And I have a free day to myself; I could do art all day.
Also feeling guilty because I have work to do and haven't done it. (Planning for my move and budgeting).
Feel like the people in my life (my sister; the guy I was talking to) are mad at me or not liking my behavior yet not telling me. Maybe I have that fear because when I am mad at people and not liking their behavior, I don't tell them. So of course I assume other people, that is likewise how they act towards others including me.
Feeling miserable.
This is a much more out of control diary entry than usual. Emotional.
Judging myself and my decisions really harshly right now. Right down to judging the fact that I told my friend I was going to eat dinner before meeting up, wondering whether or not that was rude of me. Harshly judging. Why why why am I back in this judgmental frame of mind? I had escaped it. What's going on?