Whatever it Takes
Hello, I'm Singer.
The title of my thread is my current favorite song, by Imagine Dragons, which I played at least 10-15 times yesterday. I think it will serve to inspire me to keep on going, as I have already through thick or thin, doing "whatever it takes" to try and help myself, to hang in there, to make some sort of beauty and meaning and inspiration out of it all.
I know I have not always been this way. I have many, many positive memories. I don't know exactly what dissociation is, but I know I do it to some extent from time to time. I also know I resonate strongly with themes of being a warrior.
I hope to find a trauma therapist who is full of compassion and will help me. Until then, and after then, here I am, doing the best that I can to try to heal, to try to take care of myself, and to try to live the daring, brilliant, innovative life I aspire to.
My most recent therapist mentioned "attachment trauma" was what to address. I had to let her go, by the way, because I didn't trust her personally anymore. I trust her observations about me, but I did not trust her in relationship.
Signing out,
Singer
Dear Diary,
I feel very discouraged about Oregon. I looked up housing today, just to see what types of "farm" type places were available. And the ads looked very strict 
I saw things about permaculture, vegetarians, artists... I didn't see anything that looked quite like me. People are very specific in Oregon about what they are looking for, and they are very... what's the word... they seem very.... exclusive? They seem like they are willing to cut you out if you don't share exactly what they are looking for. I am still searching and finding myself, and they seem to want those who are "already enlightened" is another way of describing how it feels. Don't they realize that everyone is different? I mean, I understand it matters who you live with. I myself seek a very particular community, too. It's just... we have to learn to respect one another's differences. I feel frustrated and upset.
What if I move all the way across there and I just don't fit in or belong?
I had an appointment with my health coach today and I have to re-alter my diet some more, so I am feeling discouraged. I just want to be able to eat and share food with people and feel normal. She wants me to explore my emotional attachment with food and why I feel like I need to eat the same thing as other people in order to feel connected with them. I feel fed up and like I want to be done with healing work and done with caring. It's either that or keep going further down the rabbit hole. And hope it truly is journeying toward healing. But at what cost does healing come? I never asked myself that before.
I just want love. Love and acceptance and community. Maybe Oregon isn't the place to find that. I don't know where is the place to find that. I feel really upset because Oregon felt right, so I don't want to change my mind about it. And I have gotten a lot of encouragement about continuing to pursue Oregon. But I feel discouraged. And tired. So tired. Apparently all my hard work dieting hasn't knocked out the yeast, so I messaged my doctor to figure out if I can go back on yeast medication for another month while I try altering my diet again. And I feel worried that it won't work, and wondering when this will all end and when I can feel.... normal.
Feeling discouraged. Lots of hard work to do this week. Not sure anymore what the payoff is, or whether/when the payoff is coming. But I've got to keep going down this road. I've already begun.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Hey, really felt moved by the spirit to respond to this. Lit a soy candle for your soul-searching journey!
So...uh...I live a bit north of Portland/Oregon type space. I can't give an exact location because I have a creepy stalker mom who tries to hire PIs to locate me. So my apologies in being so esoteric. But what you said about the strictness or rather insularity is pretty apt. There's a city I travel to that is a sister city to Portland essentially, and they have the same thing going on. What you observed is pretty damn accurate in general. You have to check all these boxes to be accepted by them. It's pretty scary.
Oftentimes when I go to the city of mention, there's this heavy feeling in the air. This feeling that if you say the "wrong" thing you'll be mobbed. I would be pretty scared to discuss my political views out in the open there. And I don't even side with anyone! lol It's pretty bad. Cuz, I'm searching for a place where I can find people that are healthy, encouraging, and open about spirituality. Not this professed open-ness and then hating on anything Christian or mainstream or whatever. It's really sad.
Maybe there are other places around that area that aren't so hipstery and vehement about y'know...having your own thoughts. But it's kinda hard to find and then there's the financial aspect of it. Feel like you'd have to travel to the region and explore in order to find your tribe, but then that's a gamble as well. But I just wanted to validate what you said about your observations. I have a knee-jerk reaction to Oregon/Portland because a couple of really evil ILs live there and they're good game players. I know one of them lived in a farm-type house and probably had to lie about their beliefs and play it up. But I feel like those kind of environments are a perfect playing ground for those seeking grandiosity and the things that appeal to Cluster B types. Not saying everyone there is y'know that kind of person! But it makes a lot of sense why they'd be there. Also, fostering this faux uniqueness. It's sad because when I went to Portland as a teenager a lot of people were really nice and helpful if you needed to get around. ...nowadays I don't think so. Maybe there's still some like that. But I feel like time has changed a lot over the years. Which is sad.
May you find love, acceptance, health, and your tribe.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Thank you! I hope my experience is different than yours because I am really excited and hopeful about going ♥️
I, too, want to find a tribe that is healthy, encouraging, and spiritually supportive.
That
@singercrystalspirit I just wanted to ask something quickly... I havent been online here in forever and was just checking in on your diary quickly (Im away visiting daughter #1 and grandson! 😁). The comment or question about you exploring your relationship with food and feeling connected to others by eating the same things as them..... I think I recall youve referenced that you struggled with ED related stuff in the past? Had you ever received inpatient treatment around this or supervision with meals? ( you dont need to ACTUALLY answer this here) because I imagine if that were the case, it could be possible that there could be a relation to that? I worked in an inpatient unit with an eating disorder program and often had 1-1 shifts with patients that involved sitting with them at meal time and both eating the SAME thing together, as well as talking about nothing food related. It was pretty easy to build connections with them in this type of scenario especially with multiple shifts in a row day after day.
@purpleWest8143
Hey!! Its good to see you!
Wow, I think you hit on something... I HAVE been inpatient in a program like that (it didnt help and Ive often said it made it worse).
Thank you for reading and for throwing that out there!
They also taught that if I truly didnt have an eating disorder, I would be able to eat anything.
Whereas recently with my doctors Ive learned that things like gluten and sugar are causing inflammatory reactions and cravings (yeast).
I think its an internal struggle who to believe, because the eating disorder treatment people taught that its an eating disorder to avoid any type of food entirely.
I hope youre having fun visiting 😊😊😊😊😊
x
@singercrystalspirit I didnt want to imply THIS was what was happening for you but I thought it might be an interesting relation to consider. I had some of the most in depth conversations with patients during those meal times 😉.
Food sensitivies and related inflammation are such a newer concept in the medical field I think. Traditional and Western medicine are definitely WAY behind the times on their awareness of the current research and evidence in this area as it used to just be seen as a fringe thing and many people didnt buy into it and there used to not be much evidence/ research backing it up- BUT thats not the case any more.
IMO I think the real key, when distinguishing ED from healthy eating patterns, (when considering restricting specific types of foods)is more when there is a skewed perception of self, obsessive thoughts (this part might be hard to distinguish as Ive found sensitivities ARE hard to manage and plan for and take lots of planning etc until youre very accustomed).
Comments from professionals about being able to Eat ANYTHING , I think has more to do without it causing mental distress. If eating something causes physical illness then there is obviously a medical reason to not eat it (trickier when it also effects mood in more indirect ways).
Dear Diary,
I
Dear Diary,
I am close to tears. I suppose I will cry later when I get done with work. I feel so lonely, and sad.
My heart hurts.
- Spirit
Dear Diary,
The day is not going uphill. Another "argument" with my therapist. Misunderstanding. Conflict. Whatever you want to name it. Emotional support, where will you come from today? And a large to-do list... What is an adult to do when the to-dos are long and the emotional resiliency (if that's the word I seek) feels thin?
Dear Diary,
I am not giving up. One year ago I started this thing, and I named it "Whatever It Takes." I have found myself again so damn concerned with what other people think of me.
Currently, I am concerned with what my therapist thinks of me -- whether she thinks there is something "wrong" with me, whether she thinks I am "good enough." I am concerned with what my sister thinks of me -- whether she thinks I am emotionally unstable, whether she thinks I am just like our mom. I am concerned with what my 7cups friends think of me -- whether they think I am too much to handle, whether they think I am a jerk.
Do you know what I want to do, Diary? I want to say "Fuck it all," and pack up my stuff, clean my room...
It's so much nicer not to care what anyone thinks....
Oh dear and to clarify, because I re-read that and this is Trauma Group, I am NOT directing the "fuck it all" at the dear Trauma Community. Just so that's clear. Oh geez. But see this is just another example of something I am feeling very frustrated with. I just want to be able to express myself without worrying about other people worrying about what I meant by what I said, and without having other people start treating me differently because they assume I meant something I didn't mean. But I find myself constantly censoring myself and trying to put my words in a very positive and encouraging way and sometimes it gets exhausting. And it's not that I don't mean it when I am positive so don't get that wrong either. I am only saying that I long to be free, free to just let whatever comes out of my mouth come out, without people taking it so seriously or permanently or personally or offensively. And it's also not anyone's fault, at all. And I'm not directing that at anyone I'm just saying in general. And I'm frustrated again that I'm clarifying that I'm not directing that at anyone. Grr.
@singercrystalspirit
Hey Spirit!
Well I don't mind the language and after seeing it pop up in a few recent posts by others... I think we're better than that at Trauma Co. to go around b-ing and whining about language because we're adults here and TBH, we also don't need to protect the younger members from it.
There's positivity, negativity, but overall, things are realistic here!
I do get what you mean about expressing yourself and not being understood, and your frustrations are totally valid.
What I did want to post about is your therapist. I'm trying to be as objective as I can/should here.
So yeah, fine, therapists are supposed to be outsiders looking in to people's situations and giving their "expert" guidance on how to get through it, how to try on new glasses to see things, so on and so forth... but there needs to be some basic respect. If I expressed my feelings and concerns to a "professional" who's supposed to help me with my emotionas, and they said "Good heavens, what an interpretation.", that sounds pretty damn dismissive and insulting. Similarly, that's like going to your PCP, showing them how your eczema turned purple, and them saying "Wow, how lovely. Remember to wear gloves after putting on lotion... kthnxbye." I didn't pay $100 or so per hour to listen to your catty attitude!
If I heard the same kind of attitude from someone who wasn't a therapist, I'd be mad and tell them off too!
Just my opinion, and maybe that's enough of it. It's not nice to see that you had to deal with a frustrating situation with your therapist again, hope you have a good weekend!
@Torremp
Hey Torremp! It's nice to see you!
Thanks for commenting!
Thanks for validating how I felt about my therapist's remarks. Right?! Gosh! I did feel pretty damn dismissed and insulted. Thank you for finding my words for me there.
I hope you have a nice weekend, too!
- Spirit
This is a record so that I know if I ever look back.
I feel alone. I feel that if I were to pour out all of the words and all of the thoughts and all of the feelings inside of myself, no one would care. The world would go on. Nothing would change.
It is an awful and terrible feeling. I don't know how to change it.
Sometimes, I even feel silenced by social media. I make a post, and no one sees it because it didn't hit the right registers for the algorithms. I want to speak and I want my voice to be heard. I want my voice to matter. And all of my voice. Not my politically correct voice, and not my people pleasing voice. I want my real, authentic, unfiltered, raw voice to matter. To be heard. To be held.
This is making me cry. It is a deep pain.
This one's from Singer. Not that I have multiple personalities, but... call them aspects.
Maybe when I get off work, I'll sing in my car.
I want to CRY. What is WRONG with me?
I have had support today, I have had friends reach out and be wonderful, I have talked with my parents, I have danced a bit, I sang a bit, I even left work early to finish it in a coffee shop... Why do I still feel so depressed and down? I hate this! I don't want to feel this way and I don't know its cause! Unless I'm freaking sensitive to QUINOA (because I re-introduced that to my diet yesterday) or unless I'm having a delayed reaction to the two alcoholic drinks I had on the 4th of July, or a delayed reaction to the bratwurst (which may or may not have contained gluten -- I intentionally did not check). I cannot think of any other explanation. I feel miserable. I don't know how to pull myself out. I am about to go for a run... I feel really, really dreadful and I can't think of what to do to improve it. I want to cry.
@singercrystalspirit
Hey Singer... I think days like this just happen, everything can be perfectly ok, and you still feel like crying... I don't think it has anything to do with quinoa, bratwurst or long metabolised alcohol... well, for me it helps to just accept such days as what they are, bad days, if I feel like crying, I cry, but try to remember one good thing of the day and try to end my crying with a little smile... then take a deep breath and tell myself, new try tomorrow... *hugs* hope today will be better for you
@courteousNorth5140
*Hugs*
I had the feeling when I was writing that, that I was being too hard on myself.
But... it feels so miserable to feel the way I've been feeling! And everyone in my life (well, my therapist and my mom and my dad) seem to want to suggest things to "fix" the way I am feeling and improve my situation. So... obviously that's how I feel.
It's a relief to hear someone say it's "just a bad day and it happens".
Sometimes I don't know who is right! I thought about that a whole lot yesterday, actually. Whether "fixing" things is actually what I am seeking.... or whether unconditional love and acceptance is what I am seeking.
Thank you for that 
@singercrystalspirit
you're very welcome :)
and well, I'm not a huge fan of just fixing things, I more go for sitting with my emotions and feelings and accept them, cause that's who I am and how I am... if I let them happen and be for a while, then I can focus on sth else again... but shoving them away and telling myself I don't have the right to feel what I feel, makes me feel like I'm somehow wrong altogether, and that just makes everything worse, I end up bottling up my emotions and then, well, I explode and can't handle anything anymore... so for me it's better to accept my emotions as they happen, sit with them for a while and then somehow tell them 'ok, sadness/anger/pain/memory/whatever, you had your time, now it's time for sth else.'
you'll find your way :) *hugs* everybody's different and that's perfectly ok
@courteousNorth5140
You're so lucky I like your way. You are right, I don't think it will quite automatically work for me in the same way. But I think you are also right, I will find my own way there 
Thank you. Hugs.
@singercrystalspirit
oh and going for a run is an awesome idea :) I hope it helped a bit
@courteousNorth5140
It did help a bit I still didn't sleep well unfortunately for the third night in a row. I am sure that isn't helping things. Thank you
@singercrystalspirit
well, yeah, having troubles with sleeping for sure doesn't make anything better, you're absolutely right... perhaps you need to change sth in your bedtime routine, take a bath before going to bed, change your bedtime hours, listening to a meditation or an audio-book (I recommend Harry Potter 😊), drink some tea or hot chocolate before going to bed, no coffee after 4pm, taking a walk in the evening, dimming the light in the evening, sometimes scents can help to calm down, too.... well, just a few suggestions :)
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks I had this realization today that I think I'm honestly not sleeping well because I don't BELIEVE I deserve to get enough sleep! Because I haven't accomplished my to-do lists, and because I'm not making enough money to pay my bills. Therefore I have decided I don't deserve to sleep, I ought to be working. Hmmmm.....
Dear Diary,
This morning I woke up to a new alarm clock that doesn
@singercrystalspirit
That posted out of order for some reason. Signing my name was meant to come last. Lol
I am doubting Portland.
Where can I live that will be friendly? Where I can make genuine, good, real, solid, long-lasting, positive friends?
This is what I care for and value the most.
I need guidance. I thought I was being guided to Oregon but I haven't felt that way for a couple of weeks now.
If you don't feel enjoyment, you aren't on the right track.
I'm hung up on Portland. The city or location isn't what matters. It's incidental. What matters is following your inner compass. You don't necessarily know where you are going to end up.