could be a trigger dont know but these are my feelings is this normal

i see myself as a person who deserves nothing no happiness no anything no food or anything i feel i deserve all the pain i cause myself and i feel i deserved to be sexually abused and raped i deserved every bit of it because i wasnt smart enough to notice it wasnt good for me to be around him and i didnt tell sooner and that i didnt kick him away hard enough... i deserved every bit of what happened to me i deserved to be left by my mother and i deserved for her to treat me like crap because im nothing but that... im nothing thats what i am i am nothing to the world its not like i will make a huge difference if im alive or de ad ... it wont ... i always wonder why i didnt d ie when my mom gave me the medicine and why didnt my dad just let her kill me... why didnt he ... i often think if i wasnt brought into this world i wouldnt have to suffer... if life is one big game then i dont want to play its crazy ik