my story of early childhood bullying

I was bullied starting at the age of 9 by a girl I thought was my best friend. We were inseparable and did everything together.

One day everything changed. It started with her running away from me on the playground. I would chase after her because at first i thought she was playing. But when i would catch up with her she would cry and say i was chasing her to try to hurt her. I was so confused, because I was never trying to hurt her, I just thought we were playing and I didn't know why she was running away and I just wanted to talk to her. But instead of defending myself i would apologize, say I'm sorry, in hopes that she wouldn't be angry with me and we would make up and it was a misunderstanding.

It got worse. She started telling other people I was trying to hurt her. She would tell my friends that I was a monster, I was evil. And then she would tell me to off myself. First with me alone, then in front of others, who did nothing. Because after all, to them I was a monster, and therefore I should off myself. People I had thought were my friends started to avoid me. I would try to engage and I would be ignored. Eventually I would go sit on the blacktop while i watched my friends play together without me.

Then it would all suddenly shift back to normal. I was allowed in again. My friend would come over, say hello, ask me to play, and in desperation, I would say yes. And then this cycle would repeat itself over, and over, and over. I began getting angry when it would happen, and desperate to cling to my friend. When she would start saying these things, or be at all domineering, I would react in anger out of confusion. Grab her arm a little too hard in case she ran away, usually. And people saw, and it only solidified what they thought of me. Things came to a head when my group of friends called a "meeting" to mediate between us. My friend continued with her usual bit, that I was evil and trying to hurt her and was a violent monster. I was so infuriated that I did the one thing I shouldn't have done. I shook the playground equipment we were sitting on in frustration. And I watched as she deliberately fell off. And of course, said I was trying to hurt her, and I was evil, and I didn't deserve to live. My friends never talked to me again.

She invited me to her moving away party because of course she was moving, and lashing out. Doesn't make what she did any better but at least i can kind of extrapolate why. I went, of course, being the kid that I was. It all went well. She smiled, I smiled, we acted like nothing happened, but the entire time I was so on edge that something would happen, she would say something. All my other friends acted weird and wouldn't talk to me. After she had moved away she continued to contact me. If she ever drove through town she would leave small gifts at my door. She would send me messages on facebook once we hit high school to try to get me to engage with her again. But I never responded. What would I possibly say to her that was positive. I was exhausted by that point.

After she moved I was left with no friends. All the other friends I had had were chased away by the bullying and by my response to it. I went on to start middle school completely silent, I chose to speak to no one, never speak in class, and never put myself in situations with other people because I didn't want to risk them. I got put into counseling by my parents but I think it only helped so much.

During this entire situation, no teacher ever tried to help me. No supervisor at recess would help me even though they saw me sitting alone. My friend's parents never did anything. My friends stood by and watched and even engaged with her. My parents tried but what could they do besides say "just don't talk to her" and "be confident!" ? I was going to try to be around her anyway because I needed to know I wasn't a monster, and her accepting me meant all that talk would go away, in my mind.

Sometimes I think about whether this is all just overblown in my mind. After all kids are mean to each other and they don't know what they're doing sometimes. But this was consistent, it was deliberate, it was giving her something, though I don't know what, to do this to me. I've thought for years and years about what that might be. Control, security, power, or maybe she just really thought i was a monster despite having been her closest friend. The worst part is wondering if she even remembers. I doubt that she would. If you remember doing something like that as an adult, you apologize. I know I said bad stuff as a kid. If I ever had the opportunity to take it back, I'd like to think I would do it in a second. But let's be real, I probably wouldn't. Most people don't have the courage, or simply don't know what they're done.

But if she doesn't remember constantly telling her best friend she's a monster who hurts people and doesn't deserve to live for an entire year of her life, I would be insulted. How dare someone do that, and screw up how I view myself and interact with the world for the rest of my life, while they are allowed to simply forget it ever happened? How was I, was this, that unimportant?

And it has affected my life. A lot. I suffer from anxiety disorder. I've had bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I have an extremely hard time making friends and trusting people. If i run into people who I disagree with or struggle to befriend, I immediately think something must be wrong with me, or them, or get defensive with them, then I think I'm a horrible person. I think about how I am a horrible person a lot, despite logically knowing otherwise. I'll blame myself for things that weren't my fault. I'll often wonder if something was my fault, especially the bullying and how when it got really bad I started to retaliate. I always wonder, what if i was wrong? What if i did hurt her and it was all my fault and I really am a monster? I've also had really bad run ins with other bullies, too, and friends who turned out to be bullies. When I run into someone like my bully, who is loudmouthed or manipulative, instead of being able to ignore it or just say they're not worth it and move on, it consumes my every waking moment. It fills me with fear, with anger, with the need to either retaliate or to run away, literally fight or flight, its a visceral fear reaction that I now am working on training out of myself. I'm filled with anger that there was never justice then, and there continues not to be. There wasn't for my bully, the teachers, friends, and parents who stood by, and the bullies who came after.

I know I deserve to love myself. I know I should care for myself. I know I should be confident and not live in fear. I know it is absolutely stupid to take to heart what a ten year old said to you years ago. But its so much easier said than done when it happened while you were growing, developing, then created a chain reaction down the road. And now I'll never be the same as I was before that. I'm still grieving for the kid that I was before her. Now there will always be some residual pain and fear left over in the back of my mind I need to keep under control.

Anyway, that's my story.