Loss of meaning [trigger warning]

I'm having trouble even writing this down. But here goes:

Last year traumatic memories resurfaced. They were memories of my mentally unstable mother ordering me to do life threatening dangerous things. I won't go into details but she'd always make herself scarce so she couldn't be blamed if I had an 'accident'.

I think she believed it was a way out of her marriage and she desperately wanted people to feel for her. And the attention she'd get for the loss of a child was attractive to her. I understand that part and given what I know about her life I can't even blame her.

But fully realising that my mother wanted me dead is still new to me because I couldn't or wouldn't remember before. And even though it happened 30 years ago I'm sometimes overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all.

I can go about my day and from one second to the next all feeling that life has meaning is gone. And I just don't care about the things that used to be important to me. A part of me thinks: if this is true, then why bother?

But that loss of meaning can also dissipate very quickly. Meanwhile my mind is still re-evaluating other memories and I understand why I was so afraid in certain situations as a child better.

It just really hurts that she would treat me that way. And I'm not sure what to do with that knowledge. I guess there's nothing I can do but I feel so dehumanised, like an object instead of a person.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.