My Story ***Trigger Warning****

Disclaimer: If stories of a sexual nature are disturbing, triggering or upsetting to you in anyway then I highly encourage you to not read on. Long story short this post will tell the story of sexual abuse and assault that I have suffered and have long hidden. If you wish to judge for what I have been through or how I handled it then keep in mind that I was very young when this as happened and I was very confused (as most people would be). I was very hesitant to come forward with this.

Trigger warning: Self-harm, depression, panic attacks, PTSD, sexual assault/abuse, suicide attempts and disordered eating.

With the support of many listeners and friends, I have decided to come forward with my story. If none of the aforementioned triggers or the disclaimer have phased you then I will begin with my story.

I am Paige and I am a victim of sexual abuse/assault; I have been carrying this burden with me for too long. It has changed my life forever and not in a good way. It has sent me on a downwards spiral, made me go through hell and back and left me to pick up the pieces of my life. I have suffered in silence for long enough.

When I was six, I was kidnapped and sold. My parents were huge on dont talk to strangers and always shared the horror stories that they saw on the news and read online. Despite my better judgement and their lessons, I didnt listen. I was quickly shoved into the backseat of a van and tied up at gunpoint. We drove for what seemed like hours until I had fallen asleep, chiding myself for how dumb I was for letting it happen.

I woke up in a dark room, confused and alone. Little did I know that in that room I would be beaten, starved and gang raped over the course of a few months. I would just lay there, trying to make sense of what was happening and missing my family. Each night a man would come into the room and have his way with me. This went on for two years.

Eventually the police found out about the ring and were able to track most of the people down via records that the main operators kept. There was no need for me or the others to testify in court, the evidence was plenteous. I had returned home with my family, thats it right? Wrong.

Even after the incident was over the damage didnt stop, I was mute and refused to talk to anyone about what had happened or anything at all. I couldnt look into the mirror without wanting to vomit and cry. I scratched and cut my skin everyday because it was the only release I had. I hated myself so so much.

My parents had to force me to eat and even then I would nearly always throw it up. Replaying every word, every action in my mind over and over again. If anyone would touch me, brush their hand against mine in the hallway or something like that I would burst into tears.

I was nine when I first tried to commit suicide. It was all too much for my young self to handle, I wont go into details but I narrowly survived. I wanted to forget, I didnt want to live in a world where things like what had happened to me happen regularly.

My dreams were haunted with nightmares, I would always wake up with one quick upright jolt the tore me away from the horrors playing in my mind. For a while, I couldnt even be around men without having a panic attack. I was so scared that they would hurt me like others had.

But I survived it. If you are struggling with trauma please dont suffer in silence. There is hope and there is help. <3