PTSD.... I Feel Too Broken to Heal

Good morning. Time to face the day.

@Echudson2021 I have ptsd too. Past trauma from dysfunctional relationships almost dying from bacterial meningitis of my brain. I have had serious medical treatment and therapy. This is my life. My recovery is forever every day

@Echudson2021

I've been struggling with CPTSD for about 4½ years now. I am super paranoid, I hear and see things that no one else seems to hear or see. My night is often interrupted by nightmares. I have - at times, overwhelming anxiety and depression, physical and mental fatigue, waves of nausia, panic attacks; and, sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a day dream or I just completely lose concious awareness.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling with CPTSD; it sounds like you have a very severe and debilitating form of CPTSD as well, so my heart goes out even more to you. I also was diagnosed with CPTSD, characterized with paranoia, nightmares, and dissociation like you have described. It is truly difficult, and I know that me telling you that it will get better soon or will eventually heal sounds like unicorns, sunshine, and rainbows, but it is possible that you can improve emotionally and physically. These sorts of things may live in you and haunt you from day to day, but as you go about life, the more normal days that you have, the anxiety and depression starts to dissipate as you realize that the threat that your body anticipates due to a long history of hurt no longer exists or does not exist the same as it once had. Those normal days can be hard to get with CPTSD, but you can and you will meet people who will treat you better than others may have in the past. And these people will help you develop a sense of trust again, where others may have deeply broken and hurt you. There are many people on this site that you can talk to as well, who will be understanding and compassionate toward your experiences, and will remind you that you are not alone.

I have a long history of substance use disorder but I cant really get high. I used stimulants - in the past - to feel "normal" Once again I am almost a month clean and I cant shake these symptoms (?).

I think it's brave of you to be honest about your struggles with substance use. There's a lot of stigma and criminalization of substance use in society, but many people who are depressed, anxious, and have trouble in their lives will turn to substances to fill in those bonds and emotional gaps. This does not mean you are a bad person, but that society has failed you, people around you were not there for you when they should have been, so you turn to drugs to make you feel happier, at peace, how you would have been if you had been afforded a more normal life. I'm sorry that you need drugs to feel normal, and I support your efforts to try to get clean. It's a tough process, and if you ever find yourself relapsing and using drugs, you are not a weak person or a failure. You are strong for trying to change your life and get it to a place where you want it to be.

I stay home as much as possible and cannot handle social interaction without feeling just super paranoid or angry, or a combination of both.

I understand why you stay at home as much as possible. When life and many overwhelming, difficult experiences have happened, of course you don't want to talk to other people. You probably don't have the energy for them when it's hard to get the energy to be happy and give yourself love, and maybe you even wonder if these people will hurt you like others have in the past. It isn't the end, however, and I have faith in your ability to one day feel and think that social interaction is not something to "handle," but something enjoyable and something to look forward to.

My doctor put me on medication that seems to help a little bit, but quite frankly, i feel like i can never attain the stability I need to live a normal life. The only place I seem to do well is in prison.....

I'm glad to hear that the medication you were given is helping you, and I'm not surprised you feel that way. There is no real magic pill for something as difficult as CPTSD, and people like us live it and understand this hard reality. It sounds like you have some form of a criminal record and was used to prison life; it is true that prison life can be simpler and stable at times, but you do have the strength and ability to be outside of prison. Whatever you have done, you have served your time for it in prison, and you have the right to be free now and make stable, healthy choices for yourself. It's easier said that done obviously, but you don't always have to think of yourself as an ex-prisoner who is better being a prisoner again. You're a person, a human being, and you deserve happiness and joy in your life like everyone else, and the fact that you have lived such a hard life, I can't help but think that you deserve better after going through all that you have.

Last year I attempted suicide and the attempt was botched. Instead of feeling lucky to be alive I felt like I couldn't even get that right.

I just feel doomed.Even though things are going well at this time, I feel like everything is just going to crash down around me, thats its just a matter of time.

I'm sorry to hear that you once attempted suicide, and your whole life feels doomed. Seeing what you have told me about the CPTSD, substance use, and former prison life, it makes sense that you feel this way; a lot of terrible things have happened, so it's not surprising that you expect more bad things to happen. And these bad things can only make you feel worse. But with all these bad things, there is potential for goodness. It's true that you feel like you couldn't even get suicide right when you look back, and we can take this from either of two ways. Some people might wonder if your survival meant something, that you were meant to live, that it was fate that you lived because there is something good to hope for and achieve and strive for in the future. You may not be a believer of fate and that's okay; you've lived a tough life, so I can only imagine how you feel about fate. If that's the case, then you still have a chance to be something more than your life has defined you as. A lot of bad things have happened, which have lead to a lot of pain and hurt, but you are more than your pain and hurt. There is a pained, hurting human being under it all, and that human being is somehting more, something greater than what happened.

Why can I not heal on an emotional level? I just feel perpetually sick, both mentally and physically. Why can't i come out of this?

Healing is hard. People may tell you to get over it and deal with it, but those people are generally people who have never experienced what you have. They will never understand the haunting of CPTSD and the difficulty of recovering from substance use and other experiences you have had. This may be incredibly isolating, and you may feel like you're the only person like you. You probably are, but there are other people who have experienced devastating hardship as well, and when you meet them, whether here or in everyday life, you realize there are other survivors. Healing as a survivor is slow. Some survivors will try simple hobbies or pastimes to take their mind off things, some survivors will look to or find trusted people to confide in and do enjoyable activities together, some survivors will look to professionals for guidance and hope, some survivors may travel and go to places to gain relief, some survivors will find comfort in religion and God--there is no one-size-fits-all method to healing. Surviviors can find hope in many different places, and hope for healing is there when you put your mind to it. It may not be immediate, but it is possible that you can find it for yourself. Please take care, Echudson, and I appreciate you sharing so much on this platform; I think you're a good person who has had a lot of bad things happen to you, but you can have better, and you do deserve better, love, care, and compassion from those around you.