Upset b/c I can never be good enough to others or feel good enough about myself
I am going to try to write about this, as this is always a big problem for me and I know that a lot of these kind of feelings and thoughts come from the years of abuse, so it relates to the CPTSD. But, please, will no one do all they can to never be sorry for me in here or anywhere? That is very upsetting to me and I feel I am always responsible for all I do, say, behave and the same goes for all that with my alters.
I am just always so upset with myself for not being good enough to others, for not treating them the ways that they need, or that are ways that they are okay with, for upsetting others in any kind of way, ...just for being a bad, horrible person who is always bad to everyone and is never good enough to anyone. I do all I can to think of others, be good to them, do all I can to see things from their perspectives, always do my best to be so respectful of their needs, and I understand so much how my own inabilities with my brain problems can be so hard do deal with lots of the time for others. By this, I also have some cognative difficulites from some ECT's when they kept assuming it was just depression and I kept trying to tell them it was CPTSD things that I was feeling so bad in myself about. But, I am still left with lots of cognative probelms from those ECT's. I know I do not even write well anymore and it is not focused, easy to follow, flows with a central thought or theme, etc. I also have other cognative probems from this, such as not being able to remember so much. I just suck, am a very horrible person, can not be good to others and this is a bid deal to me that I can not be good enough to others and treat them better. I do not go around hurting anyone, being mean to anyone, yelling at anyone, being angry at anyone, or things like that one bit. That is not what I am trying to talk about. It is that I have even made someone upset yesterday because I was doing all I could to be so considerate of them, what they were going through and doing my best to care about that and them relating to that. See, I even upset people when I am trying to care and be concerned about them. I am just a big screw up, all the way around. It seems like I keep doing things like this and other kind of things that seem to upset people. I so wish I could treat people better and were good to them. I sure do need to figure a lot out and learn how to be so much better to people. I love people, care about them, want to help them, they matter to me--how they are doing, feeling, and what is going on in their lives. I so want to get it right to be better to people. I feel very horrible for upsetting anyone. I know I have done wrong. I am so upset that I upset the person yesterday by trying to express that I was considering what they were dealing with, basically. I can not quit caring about others and do not ever want to not be that way. I can never be a person that only considers how I feel. Others matter so much and how they are doing and feeling is so very important. I feel so bad, inadequate, and very horrible for not being and treating others good enough and making them happy. I am so sorry to any of you who do read this if I have been also being bad and upsetting you as well. If so, please just talk to me, let me know what I am doing to upset you, and I will do my best to work on it and be better to you.
Aw hey Amelia , I hear you're struggling with CPTSD and cognitive problems and have to deal with so much , super valid to feel the way you do .
The fact that it is bothering you how you upset someone yesterday shows how much you really do care about them and for people in general, from our little interactions in the forums ~ I always have a smile reading your responses in mine or other people's threads , because you truly pour your heart and soul into acknowledging and appreciating people , I always admire how self aware you are and always ready to accept and work on any improvements.
You are super good to people on the internet , Amelia ~ if only you were able to see your kindness and warmth through my eyes ~ if only you could somehow experience your own love and care that you shower to others around you !
It is an incredibly self less thing to care for other people and be as good and understanding as we can be with them ~ however it is also super necessary to be kind and gentle with yourself , and no that is not selfish and neither will it affect your care for others ~ but to be able to pour into other cups , shouldn't our cups be full first ? What do you say ? ❤
I understand you're feeling really bad and the situation you're in is causing you to feel horrible about yourself ~ please know it is completely okay to have these moments ,but it is also okay and needed hold ourselves tightly and remind ourselves that we have the best intentions always and we try our best always ~ now what's needed is a little self love and self compassion so that we can assure ourselves that it is okay and we are loved , valued and cared for ~ because Yes Dear @Amelia2324 , you're Loved , you're valued , you're cared for and you're an absolutely beautiful human being ~ who's always super supportive , encouraging , thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, kind and simply amazing.
Lots of hugs and love to you ❤
Hi Sun,
I want to thank you very much for finding and writing back to me here. It means a whole to to me, Sun. More than you know. I am not really sure how to reply back to you. I want to, but, I am not sure how to. You said so many kind, wonderful things from your heart, Sun. You have touched me greatly by being you and expressing what you did. I so wish I were more able to gather myself together well enough and respond back to you right. It is so very hard to understand how to feel and know what to do when you say things like you did. I do not know how to handle that, coming toward me. Inside me, it is as if that is not the way it is supposed to go or be. It is only supposed to be the other way around. I hope this can make some sense about how I feel inside. I appreciate you and what you wrote to me so very much, Sun. I understand how truly wonderful and special it is. I just do not know or understand how to handle it all. Things like what you said are not supposed to be said or written to me. I do not deserve something so nice from you, ever. Sun, I will try my best to think it over more, try to understand it better, and try to figure out how to accept this. You are always very kind and I like you for just who you are in so many ways. Thank you so much, Sun.
Awww ofcourse , so happy to write to you , Amelia ❤ I hear you're feeling like you shouldn't be hearing these words or more like not receiving this kindness ~ when we are used to only giving, it becomes hard and even makes us deny sometimes while receiving back ~ please take your time , you're not recieving anything extra or different, you're receiving what you put out in the world always ~ you put out kindness , support , compassion, love , warmth , encouragement, appreciation ~ and so you're receiving just the same . And you very much deserve it and More , today and everyday ❤
Your response is so genuine and I completely understand, absolutely no worries , we can always take our time and accept the good things towards us little by little , no rush . So much more love to you 🤗 @Amelia2324
@Amelia2324 I don't think you're horrible or a screw up. If someone was upset, maybe it wasn't really you or anything you said. Maybe they themselves were just having a bad day. From everything that I've seen you write, you've been so gentle and considerate of everyone you encounter and I am honestly grateful to have met you.
Some times it can be incredibly hard to find the right words to say what we want to other people. Some times what we say can get taken the wrong way by other's and their feelings may get hurt despite our best intentions. I don't think that makes us horrible people, not if our intentions were good. Truly horrible people say things with the intent to hurt someone, I can't see you ever doing that to anyone.
Hi,
How have you all been doing?
It is very nice to see you around. Have missed you lots! 
Sorry it's taken a coule of days to get back to you.....it's just been hard with many out lots....lots of stuff with it all going on. ...lots of strong feelings from those inside.....guess lots of upsetting things started it all off so bad
Will we get to hear from you again? Would like to know how things have been for you all.
That was very nice what you wrote to us. It was very helpful. Lots some do and Amy are upsetting to people all the time. We all know it. Kirk nor the 2 little ones dont really care about it, but the rest do. Amy does a lot too.
Think you may be right about the person that belive Amy wrote about feeling so bad about. Have had other similar problems like what it was with then before and no matter who was out, somethings were just always a problem to them and it was things that were so shocking that were a problem to them. but, it made and does make most all of us feel bad that they get so upset with us. but, you may have good idea about them. it was nice how you said that it is not horrible if we do not intend to be evil and hurtful on purpose to others. don't mean to be bad. don't try to hurt anyone on purpose.
maybe you can let us know how things have been for you.....if you want to and feel ok it would be nice
@Amelia2324 It's ok that it took a few days. There's never any pressure to reply. It's understood how hard it can be sometimes with so much going on
Sometimes people can just be in a bad place themselves and they can take offense to everything you say. It's not a reflection of you though - more a reflection of them. I know it can be hard not to let it bother you though because it does make you feel bad - especially if you're trying to be supportive to someone. Sometimes for some reason or another we just seem to irritate people but it doesn't mean that we're bad people and I've never seen you say or do anything to intentionally hurt anyone
We've been mostly keeping to ourselves. Quiet and trying not to bother anyone. Mostly depressed but the anxiety drops by every now and again. I feel as Amy does alot of times - like I'm a bad person but I have hurt people - Idk I'm not sure how to explain it and even more unsure if it even matters anymore. Thank you for asking
I hope it can help the Amy and the other's feel alittle better about things and not feel so bad about themselves
Hey, Hey!!!!
So happy to hear from you and how you've been doing!!!!!! Yay!!
That is kinda nice who you've been mostly keeping to yourselves, being quiet, and trying to not bother anyone. That is a good idea. Think we may need to do that also. I'm very sorry you've been depressed lots. That anxiety sure never does quit coming when it wants to. Hugs. That is interesting that you feel similar to how Amy does about being bad and feeling she has hurt people. If you do think on how you feel more about this kind of way, it would be nice to hear more about it and how it is more closely for you. Something things do matter lots at some points, then later, not so much--or the other way around also. Thanks very much for writing back and sharing how things have been for you all. Have you been outside, doing things like you used to around your place? Have you been doing anything else, or, is it too hard right now with dealing with a lot of depression?
@Amelia2324 Have the ones Amy included been feeling better about the incident with the person in the chat room? I'm not sure keeping quiet is a good idea. Especially since you're not bothering anyone. Misunderstandings happen the best we can do is apologize and move forward and outsiders can accept and move forward with or they don't. As for outside we spend more time outside then in most days. Usually doing yard work or the garden. The house feels confining.
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry the house feels so confining. It must feel so much better outside in your yard and garden. I'm glad that you have both to get out in and do things.
The ongoing problem does not involve a chatroom. The problem is still going on, still upsetting, still disturbing, and is about useless to even feel it can be worked through anymore with them, based on their strong self-beliefs and unwillingness to allow any caring, concern, compassion, empathy, or anything of that nature. I have never known anyone like this in all of my life, who is so opposed to any form of kindness. But, it is what they are not willing to accept for themselves. So, I will not ever try to express any of that to them ever again. We all are so different. You can only be good to those who are willing to allow it and willing to accept it. At this point, I'm very tired of trying to deal with this situation and believe that their is no solution for this with them. I'm tired of it all and feel that I have done all that I can possibly do. I can do no more about this. They are going to carry on being the way that they want and choose to be ln life. I am not wanting to change them. I am just not going to try to be kind in any way to them any further. I can still choose to be kind to others.
@Amelia2324 I honestly can think of a time that you weren't supportive to others in the discussions. I can only remember your kind and caring words which I have very much appreciated.
@adventurousBranch3786 *can't
Branch, Hi,
how are you feeling today? hope it is a good day for you. you are always very nice! it is nice when you are in discussions, very nice. like it. you are doing good job with leading too. we have seen you doing it. do you like it? Is it stressful? would be so stressful for any of us. you doing very good Branch.
it is nice that you think to say that we are not being bad in discussions, but we know we do sometimes, some of us. try not to but still do
want good for you Branch.
@Amelia2324 I was scared at first but each time I feel a little calmer. I find technical and computer things challenging but I was fortunate to get some help from some people here and that had made a big difference. I am trying not to be so hard on myself when I mess up on the computer like triple pasting something! It is always nice to see you there.
@adventurousBranch3786
Hi Branch,
So glad it is getting better for you and that you got some wonderful help. Branch, if we both only had pasting and deleting computer problems only to ever deal with, we both might be pretty bored with our lives. I am glad that you are getting able to be less hard on yourself with it. There just seems to be an endless amount of things the computer, tablets,and cellphones can do, that will never be possible to ever learn it all and enough to even be able to do a portion of it all. It sure would fill up too much space in my brain to try to put it all in there somewhere. LOL, I think I'm going to leave the space left in my brain for other things in life. I wish you many great days, Branch.
@Amelia2324...you are perfect just the way you are and I love how your around here supporting. You have supported me here many times when I felt completely alone in my pain . .I appreciate you and your a beautiful person with a ton of love and care for others. Thank you Best always 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Thank you Blackberry, Love to you.
It really bothers me a whole lot if I am called perfect, beautiful, and many other things like that. Please, can you help me by not saying those things to me? I am not wanting to be mean or upsetting to you, or discount your kind support. It is just that those things are very upsetting to me when someone says them to me.
I care lots about you, Blackberry, hugs. . I want to be here for you lots and support you in lots of ways.
@Amelia2324.. of course Amelia I completely understand and no worries I'll remember. I respect your wishes always. I am happy to help you any way I can even if it's something small . Sorry if I triggered you in any way. I hope your day is going well. I've been busy watching my daughter's dog as they went away to the beach ..he's a sweetie, calm and predictable. I care about you always and thanks for the hug and giving me a heads up. I like to know these things as I would never want to add to anyone's pain. 💜ABB( I'll list down a few of my trigger words if you like)
