no memories
hi! i've recently realised i actually don't have any memories. i can remember photos, like if i think of a time i can see a photo i've taken but not anything else that happened. i think that because i grew up surrounded by triggers i tried to block everything out. i was wondering if anyone else has had the same experience because i'm beginning to feel crazy right now <3
@stupidbambi
Not crazy at all. It is normal to block out traumatic memories. x
A normal memory is stored in the brain as a whole. But traumatic memories are fragmented. You can sometimes only remember bits and pieces. A feeling, a smell, image or sound.
Your natural response is to not want to look at these memories and even if you do your mind will try to dissociate.
And then there are memories that have been completely suppressed. You can't consciously remember them but your body remembers. That's why you can see a trigger, are not conscious of the traumatic memory but still start to shake.
It's okay.
Especially if you have repeated trauma over a prolonged period, two things can happen:
- Studies show that the hippocampus (involved with memory) can shrink
- Blocking out traumatic memories locks a bunch of other stuff up with it sometimes
So even in cases where you don't end up with an extreme dissociative disorder (like DID), your brain, in the effort to suppress those traumatic memories to protect you, suppresses a bunch of other stuff at the same time because it can't properly uncouple the traumatic memories from the normal ones. Between this and, as others have said, probably dissociating to a certain degree, it's no surprise.
If it helps, I can relate; there are huge chunks of my life, especially my childhood, that I barely remember as well. Recently, undergoing neurofeedback therapy for PTSD, they are coming back in tiny bursts and it is sort of like living my life over; it's kind of cool (though, I only say that because I haven't remembered anything traumatic yet). I also did not realize how many of my memories were actually just "somebody told me this happened" or "I saw this in a photo" until this last year; but that's also how trauma and dissociation works. You just don't even realize something's off.
Hang in there.
@EgoAddendum thank you for explaining it lovely! i've been looking everywhere to find what and why and i've not going anything and i felt very insane haha. thank u <33
@stupidbambi Of course.
Also, you may find that you tend to only remember "bad" things. This does not mean you are a negative person or were ungrateful for the positives that you don't remember. The brain actually processes "good" and "bad" experiences differently, and if the experience is "bad" but not traumatic/damaging, you are actually less likely to dissociate or forget it than a neutral or "good" event. So then you end up only remembering awkward, embarrassing, or generally bad memories.
Either way, just because you don't have many memories right now does not mean they are gone; you just don't have access to them. Through therapy, relaxation, and so on, you can start to re-remember or rexperience some of your old memories. Just be aware that if you have suppressed traumatic memories, those may come along for the ride when you start remembering.
Good luck!
@EgoAddendum i really needed to hear that, thank you 🥺
@stupidbambi
I also don't have any memories (good or bad). It's like someone took an eraser and just wiped them all out, but left the chalk dust and cloud. I know that I was physically & emotionally abused and sexually assaulted. It's very strange that I know it but don't remember it.
@survivorstarr yes i feel u! i remember specific things, just almost like photos from traumatic things and if i think of a time i can remember it by a photo i've taken. say if i took a photo at a restaurant, when i think of that restaurant or think of when i went to that restaurant i can see that photo i've taken. really weird
@stupidbambi
the way we remember is so interesting to me- like HOW memory works (or doesn't work).