Am I the one to blame
i willingly went to a hotel room to have a few drinks and chill with an older man a few months ago. he was 10 years older than me, but id known him for over a year and was comfortable around him. we smoked w33d and had a couple drinks because i couldn’t feel the effects of the blunt. my memory got super fuzzy and the only things i remember are laying on the ground with one of my condoms in my hand, and choking him while i was on top of him. i know he did something to me because one of my condoms was gone. i couldn’t remember anything so i asked him, and he said we didn’t do anything, just hung out.
the guilt eats me alive everyday, i shouldn’t have gone to that hotel with him, it was my fault. i shouldn’t have done anything like that, why didn’t i use my brain. why didn’t i know it was not safe, i should’ve kept myself safer. and these thoughts won’t leave me alone, that i’m disgusting now, and no one will want me, even if i told the one person who was supposed to love me, he wouldn’t want me anymore because i’m disgusting now. i’m damaged or something. why would anyone want a damaged person, no one will love me now, no one loved me before how can they love me now.
it’s so hard being alone with my thoughts, i always have to distract myself.
@pinkmango24
While you may have regret and feel awful not knowing what Really happened ......you are not disgusting....
we all have made choices that with hindsight we would rethink but that is in the past ...... this is all on him and i am sorry you experienced this but predators have a way of making someone feel comfortable with them
@pinkmango24
It's important to remember that what happened to you was not your fault. You had the right to trust this person and have a good time with them, and they violated that trust by doing something to you without your consent.
It's completely understandable to feel guilty and ashamed after something like this happens, but it's you are not damaged or disgusting. You are a survivor, and it takes immense strength to get through something like this.
You can distract yourself from your thoughts, but it's also important to allow yourself to feel your emotions and process what has happened to you.
As for telling someone else, it's completely up to you and what you feel comfortable with. You deserve to have support and love from those around you, but ultimately it's your decision to make. No matter what you decide, know that you are not alone and there are people who care about you and want to help you through this.
