Confusion
My tragedy began when i was in middle school i was 11, i was a shy boy but a bit social having a lot of good friends and an average student and a sort of a gamer and everything was ok until i was in senior year of middle school when something suddenly changed, i was 14 i guess and playing in the basement when my cousin (female) came in to sleep in my room to chat with her boyfriend i think and i don't know how it happened but i began to touch her private parts when she was asleep, i don't know why i did it but it kept happening again and again when she came to our house and it didn't stop there because when she slept with my aunts i begun to do my thing in her and my aunts until she caught me one time but didn't tell me but shortly the other day when i was in my room she told me that when she comes, i shouldn't sleep with them and she didn't tell anyone about this, i felt very guilty back then and now even worse, i should note that i begun to be an addict in both gaming and porn at that time and being harassed twice first back then at third middle school and secondly in second high school year, and then i completely shut down on myself and lost everything from friends and family and then begun my social anxiety and depression that kept me inside home for the most of 4 years and kept sucking my pain in playing videogames 16+ hours a day, i see myself in the situation of being both victim and an abuser and i know it's my fault, it always been so i just want to hear your opinion of this.
@hardworkingLime8079
I would like to begin by thanking you for sharing your story. That takes a lot of courage. I would also like to say that having been in the place of the abuser does not make you a bad person. It does not mean what you did was right, but it was not malicious and does not reflect poorly on you as an individual. I think it is also important to consider how your cousin looks back on these events.
To experiance something sexually confusing at an early age is difficult. Not understanding why you did what you did is a fairly common feeling. In your situation there are few important questions to ask yourself:
- How do I feel about my actions?
- Why do I feel that way?
- How have I coped with these feelings?
- Have these events effected the way I veiw sex and or relationships? If so how?
- Have these events efected the way I view myself? If so how?
I hope this helps somewhat.
@UntilThen thanks for replying, i have already asked these questions before and yes it affected me so much that i've been scared of talking to girls because it remembers me of what i did and being afraid for them to experience what my cousin experienced. We talked rarely with each other even before what happened but i don't know what her feelings toward me are, i mean we just pretend that nothing ever happened but i feel guilty that i might destroyed her life forever. Now i just want to apologize to her for what i did but i'm too ashamed to talk to her about that topic, i'm just trying to fix what can be fixed and wish to go back in time to prevent what happened back then but i can't...
