Dating my former abuser

@scarletTurtle9604

Regarding his massive attitude change.... When people are younger, I think they often act out of desparation and are driven in ways they they don't understand fully because they are not exprienced and don't understand how to properly get things in life so they do stupid things. It happens to us all probably.

Then when they get older they realize their mistakes. Perhaps that is what happened to him in some ways.

I wonder how the concept of restoritive justice would apply in such situations. I'll look into it.

@scarletTurtle9604

Hey Turtle!

I understand that it feels like you're somewhere between a rock and a hard place, where you remember the emotional abuse that was inflicted upon you in the past by your boyfriend, but are trying to reconcile with your feelings for him (that you care for him).

I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you to hold both these feelings in, while being in a relationship with him.

That you were coerced/ manipulated into doing specific acts, by him, and blamed for his problems-would have been tough, beyond any level I can comprehend. I am truly sorry you had to undergo that and that the past continues to affect you in the flashbacks you're having, and the insecurity you're feeling in the relationship presently, as you aren't able to entirely accept that he still isn't being manipulative.

I am sincerely glad to hear that he has changed since, and you are no longer in that phase of the relationship that was taking such an immense toll on you!

Not being able to get over what happened during the initial stages of your relationship, as you try to be a part of it currently, could feel incredibly frustrating and that shows in your desire that you could *start over* or have an alternate beginning. I want you to know that it's okay to feel insecure in the relationship as a result of the past abuse that you faced.

It's okay to not figure out exactly how you're feeling at this moment-because the past and the present- present different realities. It's difficult to even begin to comprehend it, and reach a conclusion.

I admire that you're even trying to piece it together. We all need our time, and I want you to know that we're here with you *offers air-hugs if you would like them-you can't feel it but they're there*

P.S: I hope writing on here, helped you in some tiny little way~

@scarletTurtle9604

I don't think this is an uncommon as one would believe, unfortunately. My stepfather sexually abused me for years until I finally ran away from home at fifteen. Then years later I reverted and acted like daddy's little girl, even sitting on his lap for Christmas pictures. I think in part was in was a confirmation of 1, his approval. He cared and didn't want to hurt me. 2, it helped me have a sense of normalcy, that maybe it didn't happen if I could accept it and embrace him. Just try to look deep inside yourself and see for one if you really are into guys, or if you're not sure. You absolutely have the right to talk to someone professional to help you sort through all this. It does sound as if you have forgiven him, which is more about you than him. So, that is good. But, a trauma like that can never be forgotten and the scars will flare. Please, know that you are not alone. You have friends here. I'm so very sorry you had to experience that and that this is now causing you even more pain and confusion. You are obviously a very strong individual and I believe you can overcome this. Should you need anyone just to talk to or listen, please, tag me. I will gey back to you as soon as I possibly can. I do hope you are able to get the guidance and answers you need and deserve.

@scarletTurtle9604

Reading more about Restorative Justice
and seeing how it MIGHT apply to a generic situation SIMILAR to yours...

I found 2 books
The Little Book of Restorative Justice
The Little Book of Restorative Justice for Sexual Abuse

So far I learned this that MIGHT apply:

Principles:
Victims needs are first priority.

Silence is not golden.

Figure out what needs to be done to make things as right as possible.

Impact on victim can be:
Physical, emotional, behavioral, and world view.

Victim needs to regain support, dignity, validation,

Needs which restorative justice dialogue can address:
Victim can get answers from offender.
Victim can get empowerment.
Victim can get vindication.

Interventions should:
Honor what victim has been through.
Empower victims to control how they will name their experiences.
Establish offender accountability.

Restorative Justice Questions:
Who as been hurt?
What do they need?
Whose obligations are they?
What are the root causes?
How to engage those involved to address the needs and obligations?
What needs to be done to make things as right as possible, including addressing root causes?

Abuse needs to stop so healing can happen.
Separation from offender may be necessary.
Self-blame when unfounded should be stopped.
Safe space should be used to tell story if needed.
Abuse is dis-empowering.
Helping victim generate choices moves them toward healing and regaining control of their lives.
Victims need safe space to mourn their pains.
Victims need exploration of identity.
Victims need access to multi-layers of support that foster resiliency.

Understanding the offender typical offense cycle:
1) Life Stresses & Triggers
2) Preparation & Grooming of Victim
3) Offending
4) Shame
5) Rationalization & Justification
Repeat loop.

Offender needs to admit and be accountable for that loop and fix it.

What is the offender doing to make sure it never happens again?
Offenders need to move...
from denial to naming wrongdoing
from minimizing to acknowledging harm
from rationalizing to accepting responsibility
from justifying to taking responsibility

How to do that? Balance accountability with support.
A key concept: the more offenders feel included, them more likely they are to live in pro-social ways.

Hold the person accountable within a context of support so they face their harmful choices, learn to understand their offense cycles, and implement corrections.