Fear of never having a consensual experience
Tw: mentions of sa
Idk if anyone else feels this but i just feel so lonely and disturbed over this. I was touched inappropriately/groped when i was 8, and other inappropriate stuff that a child or anyone for that matter shouldnt go through. I had all memories of these incidents suppressed and they came back to me when i was 16. After i knew about them, i started getting panic attacks, periods of high anxiety, intense suicidal thoughts and next to no self esteem. I'm 19 now and in college, i travel by train to reach there. I've had 3 incidents of harassment within these 2.5 months in those trains. During peak hours they're crowded af and i just hate it. I've had a guy try to hold my hand multiple times, a guy rub his leg on mine continuously for 40 minutes and a guy press his genital on my butt. And I'm just so triggered and panicky that i freeze and just try to make myself be as far away from them as i can but since the trains are crowded, theres not much space to move away. This is taking a huge toll on me. I dont even see myself as a person. I've started seeing myself as an object to be used for vile stuff. And this is not a kink, this is so not a kink. I just can't imagine myself having a partner or participating in any sort of activity that would be consensual just because it never had been and that scares me a lot.
I think it is possible to find someone and share with them your situation and if things are right between you and them ......... have a consensual time.....
the trauma you had at a child was bad enough but the whole transit thing is also awful.... i was groped as a teen in a big crowd swung around but as it was super busy never really saw WHO it was ....... i have real issues decades later being in large crowds..........
Hey, thanks for the suggestion but i dont think that'll be possible anytime soon
@alexa256 Hey hun, that sounds really hard to deal with, and its horrible cause it isn't consensual and you have no safe action to take against those people when they do things like that. I wish it wasn't that way for you. Is there some other transportation you could use that would be about the same cost and would be better for you overall to get away from that type of situation?
Hey and no, the trains are the most economic and time saving transportation available. The place where I'm from still treats mental health and therapy as a taboo topic so its not really possible.
