Feeling guilty and disgusted
My brother used to treat me like a toy. I just feel very overwhelmed by everything recently haunted by nightmares of what he was doing. It started with him touching me and licking me when we were watching TV when I protested he would say something like don't be bad, you don't want to make me feel sad. Later he was talking me into touching and licking him. I hate to be touched. I was so scared that he might hurt me so I obeyed I had his d*** in my mouth so many times, I feel worthless I should have been fighting more I guess even though I did not really understand. I just wanted to avoid pain, by causing myself much greater pain over time. Every time he would leave me shivering after satisfying his needs I just wanted to wash but I could not wash the feeling of disgust. I am haunted by nightmares that are memories, I am afraid of sleeping because I don't want to be reminded of the terror, the terrible taste and sore throat. However I find talking to people here on 7cups very helpful and it is great that this site exist. But right now I just feel miserable and overwhelmed by everything on my life and I wanted to write out some of my feelings, I often wander what did he thought and if I brought this on myself..
@Cervo72 I'm glad coming here to 7cups helps you. I'm sorry to here about what your going thru and I don't think that you bought it on yourself. I hope to see you around.
@Cervo72 Dear Cervo, I am so very sorry for what was done to you. Im glad that you have found this place where you can express your feelings. There is nothing that you did wrong – there is nothing that excuses coercing someone to do things. You were an innocent child, and your brother stole your innocence from you. As a child, we tend to think that there was something we did wrong and feel shame, but that is not true. All the shame belongs to your brother. Healing from childhood sexual abuse takes time, but it is possible. Even though you may be feeling fear, you are a brave person. You are here. You can come through this. Know that there IS hope. But, in the middle of it, it is very, very painful. It can be extremely helpful to work with a counselor who has specific experience with sexual abuse, as well as to come here among friends who undertand, and express your feelings. Im glad you are here.
@NacienteLuz7 thanks for your words.
